Firstly, i want to make it very clear that this is not, in anyway, shape or form, a post in favour of living an anorexic lifestyle! Quite the opposite as i have learned the hard way – living with anorexia is a nightmare from hell. I am writing this today because i have finally reached my goal of hitting the target of being a ‘normal’ weight, or in other words, i have finally touched the line on the BMI chart that my doctor uses, that tells me i’m healthy after such a long, hard battle, fought and won! I am, of course, pleased although the anorexia who was my ‘friend’ for so many years, is stamping it’s feet in protest! This is not going to be a post where i go into the details of weight, what i eat, what it was like in hospital all those times, the long-term effect, both mentally and physically that it has had on my life, or even the obvious stress caused to my family and the few friends who stuck it out with me. It has been a long, hard, uphill struggle as anorexia does not give up easily and tends to hang around like a bad smell even though i want to be free of any lasting vestige of this wicked disease.
It started when i was very young; when i was being abused and in my childish mind, i thought “if i can just get small enough, he won’t get me!”. Of course, that didn’t work and if anything, had the opposite effect but my little mind, at that time could not compute that fact; or as a therapist once pointed out that had i been bigger, i could have fought him off!! As if that was very likely, i don’t think! I thought for a long time that by restricting my food, i could be in control of what was happening to me. Naturally, it very obviously didn’t stop the abuse i was going through, not for the want of trying.
It’s hard to let go of something you have lived with which purported to be my best friend for all those years and it tried it’s best to pull me back into it’s black hole.The simple poem i wrote depicts how hard it is to let go, no matter so genuinely want to. It is a fight every single day but i know that i have to stay strong to have any semblance of a ‘normal’ life if it is possible to live a normal life after a lifetime of horrific sexual abuse, a battle which i still fight daily and continually.
I’m scared today, more than I was yesterday
Because I never, ever thought that I would lose you
And as I looked around and saw you walk away
I know we’ve been such good friends, stuck like glue
You must have left, quietly through an open door
Because I never loved you enough to keep you near
And when I turned around and watched you leaving me
Then I thought you’d be the one who’d stay sincere
And where to now, do I journey by myself, alone?
And how do I go on, without you now being so close
I can’t believe you’ve gone, forever from my side
I knew you were the one that mattered most
You’ve travelled far, been my ever faithful friend
Through all my early days, until the end I felt you’d stay
Through all my life-long years, you’ve been my companion
I never wanted you to go away
And from this day, what will future years bring now
Well do I really need, you having squatters’ rights in my head?
I crave the isolation, the knowing you’ll be there
I proved them wrong, as I’d always said
But what the cost? Have I damaged, permanently
This body that I have, detested in the looking glass
When I first trod my path, I never could have guessed
This tale to tell has turned out one big farce
And it breaks my beating heart
I never wanted to be apart
From you, my loyal friend
Right to the very end.
ANOREXIA IS ABSOLUTELY, DEFINITELY, NOT THE FRIEND IT TRICKS YOU INTO THINKING IT IS.cannot make that clear enough.
I HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR AND AM NOT GIVING UP!