Day: February 19, 2014

TEARING DOWN THE BARRIERS

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I am considered to be ‘disabled‘ (although i don’t like labels being applied to anyone). I qualify from the perspective of having both a physical disability and a mental health condition although i am fully aware that there are numerous other categories which belong under that banner. I am by no means the minority in today’s society. 

 

I have a rare condition whereby the nerves to my spinal cord are deteriorating which causes a multitude of physical symptoms.There is, as yet, no treatment or cure for this but they are hoping to do more research into stem cell transplants sometime in the future. As for my mental health condition, i have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which i intend to write more about in a future blog. Discrimination still goes on and as i quoted in an earlier post, and some people that either haven’t met me aren’t aware of the facts, think that i have a green tail and purple ears! I would much rather be thought of as a ‘normal’ woman with a reasonable amount of intelligence and a wicked sense of humour!

 

I am an amateur writer although i have had two modest books published thus far thanks to my trusted laptop. Writing is my passion (amongst many topics). I have in the past, written poetry of a very simple kind such as the following three verses:

 

The prognosis for my disability is pessimistic

The outlook, quite possibly grim

I could weep tears and sink into the pit of depression

Which is always there and waiting to consume me

 

But I will stand firm, as well as I can on shaky legs

And I will not be defeated; I will not be disheartened

I have come too far on my journey to give up now

I owe it to myself to look to the sun and ignore the clouds

 

I will greet every day with a smile and try not to frown

I will not give in; I will not surrender my life

For the sake of yet another label that I do not desire

I am who I am and have learned so very much through surviving.

 

I do obviously get frustrated and cross at times, particularly if i am in a lot of pain physically or struggling mentally, or often in the face of ignorance such as a question being directed at my carer whilst looking over my head and asking the classic phrase “Does she take sugar?”! And yes, when it comes to discrimination such as a few members of my own family and friends who have metaphorically ‘dumped‘ me over the years; and lack of access etc in public areas.

 

I’ve only just, literally covered the bare bones of this subject from my point of view. I could go on but i will leave you with this image which i like because it completely sums my attitude, ‘except on bad days’! I’d be interested to hear your take on disability, good or bad.

 

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AND STILL I RISE (Maya Angelou)

AND STILL I RISE (MAYA ANGELOU)

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

 

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I owe so much to this wonderful, courageous, woman. When i first read this poem, it filled me with inspiration and admiration, and the concept of  ‘And Still I Rise’ filled me with determination to recover from where i had been in my life, lift myself out of the mud, and to carry on fighting for MY freedom to speak about whatever i please. There may well be times when i do or maybe even, need to dip into the mud for a short while but i darn well don’t intend to stay there! Life’s too short.

DRAWING NEW LINES

Since i was born into this new blogging world, (which was all that long ago), i’ve concentrated a lot on my past and my childhood. And yes, i did experience awful, child abuse, domestic violence, rape, incest and all the complications that followed on from that, as is evident in most of my earlier posts and there is still more to express but i don’t want to flood my blog with this completely.

 

I decided to choose a new, fresh image to fit my newly reformed self;  something different from the usual theme that i would have chosen previously. I decided that i don’t want to be stuck in a rut of blogging about the same subject everyday (and that’s absolutely, 100% nothing against those who need to do that). It’s just that i’ve ‘been there, done that and worn the tee-shirt’ as they say and have spent my entire life to date doing so. I have made some wonderful friends since i first began blogging and hope they will stick with me on my slightly diverted travels. I hope also to make some new friends along my new path.

 

I had a long chat with my therapist this morning and discussed this ‘change‘ at length. She said i needed to move on although i can never totally be rid of my inner demons and my history of abuse but i need to open up my world a little more and ‘smell the roses’ rather than the cowpats! 

 

I came across this image which really sums up some of what i have been saying:

 

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So here we are, a fresh, new adventure although i realise that i have only just ‘dipped my toes into the water’ and i might yet decide climb back into my box, but i really hope i can be happy here in my ‘new’ home and hope some of you will come along with me for the journey.