Just when i thought i was over you, my little Ellie, you go and knock on the window to my heart, needing me to hear you. i really, genuinely thought you were all grown up now, and coping but here you are again. And i’m so sorry i haven’t been listening to you and i know you’re mad at me.
Hey, my mad little girl, i am hearing you now. I’m sorry i’ve been telling myself that i don’t need you anymore. You came back, just like that…..FLASHBACK!….You were four years old and i wasn’t even there for you. .I am paralyzed now; trapped in my past memories, such painful memories of what happened to you back then. Now i am hurting too but it is not your fault, little girl, please believe me. Please believe that i still love you and i always will. I know you are angry with me. I hear your pain. I see you, out there in the rain which falls as tears running down your little cheeks. I know you are scared and i understand why but i can’t quite reach you to hold you in my arms and hug the pain and the memories away although i so want to. Are you angry because i am afraid too? I understand if you are.
I know i couldn’t make him stop hurting you but i did try. I never gave up. But he was bigger and stronger than me with an evil and twisted mind. I fought for you but he’d always beat me down into silence when i really wanted to scream, and i know you wanted to scream too but were too afraid of the repercussions, of his threats.
Why did i think it would be so easy to push you away when so obviously need me? And i let you down. I am so sorry, my love. What on this Earth made me think i was over you? i think i was frightened too and didn’t want to see all those times when you were hurt and treated so badly. You had no childhood to speak of, every second, every day, week, month, year, went by with you desperately wanting it all to stop. I wish i could turn the clock back and be brave and strong enough to fight him, to scream NO! NO MORE! But of course, i can’t do that in reality, no matter how hard i try. My efforts are futile and my shouts and screams would fall on deaf ears.
I am lost too, little one and i am so sorry i’m of little help but please believe me when i say that i love you, i’ve always loved you and i always will. HUGS, my hurting child, HUGS.
And just when i thought i was over you….
Essentially Ellie 
big hugs my dear. The fact that you are so compassionate to your little girl will help you immensely. you are embracing her even though it is painful and scary. So brave of you. I could learn a lot from you on this one. take care!
Thank you so much, S. Your understanding means a lot to me. I hope it does help you, I really do.I’m just reading your post and will reply shortly. Hugs xxx
This post hit me so deeply. This is something that my therapist and I were talking about on Tuesday. She asked if I’d ever written a letter to my inner child (I call her my little girl). I have, but only as therapy assignments and the letters never felt sincere. Your letter touched my heart and I know it has touched the heart of the child inside of you too!
Thank you for your comment, Jen. When i was with my last therapist, she suggested that i write to my inner child but i was never able to do so in the 8 years that i went there. Now, i’m with a new therapist but we have only just touched on the subject but i haven’t been able to do this before. Why on earth i did in a public blog, i don’t know! Perhaps because it’s anonymous.
This post made my breath catch. Truly. I love how compassionate you are to your inner little girl.
Thank you for being so kind. It has taken many, many years in therapy for me to be able to accept my inner child. For years i really distanced myself from her but it has really only been in the last two years that i have learned to embrace her. Hugs xxx