These words are not clever or articulate. They are basic. They are feelings which hardly touch the edge. They are the crater at the top of a volcano which may erupt and spew it’s contents at any time. They are me.
(My experience of abusive therapy)
Eight years gone; vanished from my life
Deaf ears to the pleading all around me
Every minute of my life consumed by you
You told me that you loved me
I couldn’t survive apart from you
Every time you left me, a part of me died
And I shrivelled further into my anorexia
And permanently scarred my body
“Love me, hug me, and kiss me please”
“I need to be in your arms”
“Never leave me”, I implored
“You are my favourite mum”
I needed you. You needed me
When you were absent for a while
My world fell in. I was lost without you
Like a body deprived of oxygen
I didn’t know then, that you were toxic
You loved me too much; so much that it hurt
Unspeakable, unbearable pain
Cut into my flesh; forever imperfect
We’d text, “With love and hugs”
I cried down the phone every day
You were so near yet so far
Without you, I was helpless
The day my father died; you left me
With words that pierced my heart
I hid in a corner and died that day
Wanting to evaporate into spirit
That could fetch you back
I tried to end my life
The hospital staff disliked me
Because it was my fault and I wasn’t ill
They couldn’t see that you were killing me softly
.
Essentially Ellie 