These words are not clever or articulate. They are basic. They are feelings which hardly touch the edge. They are the crater at the top of a volcano which may erupt and spew it’s contents at any time. They are me.
(My experience of abusive therapy)
Eight years gone; vanished from my life
Deaf ears to the pleading all around me
Every minute of my life consumed by you
You told me that you loved me
I couldn’t survive apart from you
Every time you left me, a part of me died
And I shrivelled further into my anorexia
And permanently scarred my body
“Love me, hug me, and kiss me please”
“I need to be in your arms”
“Never leave me”, I implored
“You are my favourite mum”
I needed you. You needed me
When you were absent for a while
My world fell in. I was lost without you
Like a body deprived of oxygen
I didn’t know then, that you were toxic
You loved me too much; so much that it hurt
Unspeakable, unbearable pain
Cut into my flesh; forever imperfect
We’d text, “With love and hugs”
I cried down the phone every day
You were so near yet so far
Without you, I was helpless
The day my father died; you left me
With words that pierced my heart
I hid in a corner and died that day
Wanting to evaporate into spirit
That could fetch you back
I tried to end my life
The hospital staff disliked me
Because it was my fault and I wasn’t ill
They couldn’t see that you were killing me softly
11 thoughts on “KILLING ME SOFTLY”
Reblogged this on elliesofia and commented:
I’m reblogging this post as a precursor to my following post. I am still dealing with the destruction left behind by my eight-year encounter with an emotionally abusive therapist, Ellie.
It’s terrible and such an awful turn of events when someone who has been entrusted with the “highest” power and confidential to do “well” does more harm – and for the pain you have suffered Ellie – I am so sorry.
Thank you so much, Mj. You have such a good understanding of my situation. Hugs, Ellie xxx
Anytime sweet one – always happy to lend and share an ear 🙂
This should never have happened. I want to punch that person.
It should never had happened, you are right. I feel much the same as you about her. She did so much damage to my life and as a result, to my family and friends. Xx 💓
I think there’s another level to despicable for people who do the walkouts on such crucial days. Sure, any other day would have been bad, but – Can’t you wait a day or two?
A feel the hurt expressed in this piece. Heartbreaking.
Thanks so much for your thoughts about this. It was an appalling act and a callous thing to do. Another day would have been awful, too, but how can anyone with an ounce of decency and sensitivity walk out the day my father died? I should have reported her at the time, but I was in no fit state to do this back then. Now, it is too late. When I get assigned a new counsellor elsewhere, I want to work on my anger about what that woman did during therapy by having smashed my boundaries to bits and leaving me at such an important and crucial time. Thanks for your comment, Sam. It’s much appreciated.
Ellie you have been mistreated. I am so sad to hear there exist people like this out there. And they’re professional? How? No way this is acceptable. Hugging you, dear friend. May all end better from now on. You don’t need to try to be brave anymore: you are brave. I bless you. Xoxo, Selma
Thank you, Selma. Believe it or not, she was a member of the BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Therapists). When I had got over the trauma of her walking out on me on the day my father died, I wanted to report her to this organisation, but unfortunately, by that time, it was too late to lodge a complaint. The thing that bothers me most now is that she is still working as a therapist at a different place. I only hope she doesn’t treat anyone else like she treated me. I think, as your kind words say, things are a bit better for me now, and I’m grateful for that. With love, Ellie Xx 🌷💓