Sometimes the days are so bad that they all become nightmares merged together so tightly that i feel totally overwhelmed and cannot find an exit.
The last few days have been gruelling for me. I have to say that getting through them has been akin to wading through a sea of treacle. I am worn down, unable to find peace, rest or sleep.
I feel as if i have been attacked by my mind and the horrendous, debilitating flashbacks; by my memories, my thoughts and my life events, most of which have been horrendous reminders of the endless abuse i have suffered during the course of my life. Sometimes i wonder whether i attract abuse; whether i have a sign on my forehead, saying ‘I am just me.You may use me. You may abuse me’ . The feelings stay with me forever as do the images in my head, which are stuck on constant repeat.
I give myself a good talking to, “Pull yourself together”; “For goodness sake, get over it”. Those words that i have heard, said cruelly to me by people who shall remain nameless who have no compassion and are never going to understand what i’ve been through, not in a million years! Having PTSD is like being a hamster on it’s treadmill in a cage. There is no stopping and i am trapped within it. I am still being attacked by my abusers, even after all this time.