I wrote this simple poem while i was up for all of last night, crying and upset because a friend i thought i had, suddenly and unexpectedly, verbally attacked me and walked out of my life.


How can you declare me so evil
When you barely know me anymore?
What right have you send me running
To hide in the tightest corner of the room?

Why did you shoot me down so swiftly?
Why wound me with your tainted words?
Why judge me so harshly when I barely know you anymore?
I have fallen, injured, on to the cold stone floor

Are you happy now that you have speared me
Through to my fragile core?
Broken words, broken heart, broken friendship
How could I ever trust you again?


Wanting To Die

Suddenly, the bottom has dropped out of my world and i feel desperate. I have no reason – my state of mind is liable to change from minute to minute. I was ok ten minutes ago. Now, I’m not ok, far from it. I am complicated – most people don’t understand me. I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (BPD), i have DID which makes me ‘mad’ in most peoples’ eyes, i have anorexia, i self harm plus a multitude of other psychological and physical stuff going on. I am angry, I am hurting. I want to die. This video shows you some of what i feel every day:

I am fractured; i am broken
I want the pain to go away. I want the pain to STOP. Inside my head, is screaming. I want to die. I have no value. I have no worth. I am of no use to man nor beast. Please, just let my mind stop thinking. I want to die




I feel i want to express a short tribute to my dear friend, Sushila, who we sadly lost this week. This is with express permission of her family.


Sushila was 42 and lived in the UK, some way from me but we spoke on the phone often and met up when we could. She was a very compassionate Social Worker, working with disabled young adults and she loved her work. She never married, nor had children – i think she put everything she had emotionally, into her work. However, she did have a lovely, big softy of a dog called Tizzy. (Her family obviously don’t want me to publish Sushila’s photo but here is a photo of Tizzy when she was a pup). She is so cute and much loved by all and is now being looked after and re-homed with friends close to where she lived.



Most of her family lived in Rajasthan, India and were Hindus, as was she and Hindus believe that after you die, you are reincarnated according to how you behaved in your previous life (as in the following excerpt):

‘There is one thing that is certain in this lifetime: eventually we all must die. A belief in the cyclical reincarnation of the soul is one of the foundations of the Hindu religion. Death is viewed as a natural aspect of life, and there are numerous epic tales, sacred scriptures, and vedic guidance that describe the reason for death’s existence, the rituals that should be performed surrounding it, and the many possible destinations of the soul after departure from its earthly existence. While the ultimate goal is to transcend the need to return to life on earth, all Hindus believe they will be reborn into a future that is based primarily on their past thoughts and actions’.


Sushila was travelling back from visiting friends in Leeds when she was involved in a fatal road accident. She was travelling alone and both cars involved were a write-off. The police and ambulance crew said she was killed outright and wouldn’t have suffered which i thank God for. The other driver and passenger are in hospital, one in critical condition, the other, stable.


Her family are obviously devastated and a service will be held for her in the UK in two weeks time, after which, her body (that term makes it sound so impersonal), will be flown back to her family in Rajasthan for a traditional Hindu funeral. I will be unable to attend that service but will be going to the service here in two weeks time. I miss her so much already and can’t yet believe that she is no longer with us. They say ‘time is a great healer’ but that is of no comfort right now.


Sushila’s name actually means ‘a good charactered woman’…..how apt, how fitting, how appropriate for someone who devoted their short life to caring for others less fortunate than herself.










I was extremely honoured and quite amazed to be nominated for The Brave Heart Award by http://lifeandptsd.wordpress.com/  who writes an excellent and sensitive blog with a great deal of insight and courage and i am proud to call her a friend as many of you are.


However, because of current circumstances, having very recently lost a friend, i am unable to fulfill all the requirements needed to pass on this award to a further twelve very worthy nominees which i would have been been honoured to do. I do hope it is acceptable to you all that i dedicate my Award to my late friend, Sushila who was also a courageous survivor of abuse and a great source of support to others who have been through similar trauma.


I am currently not able to answer the questions required of me if i were to accept this award but i would like to quote the Brave Heart Mission Statement in honour of Sushila, as follows:

What is The Brave Heart Award?  The Brave Heart Award is for survivors of abuse and for those who encourage healing.

Stand Strong You Are Not Alone

I call you a survivor, because that is what you are. There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are loosing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong. I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse. In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.

Each step you take you are not alone.

Stand Strong.


I do hope the decision i have taken has not offended or upset any of you. There are many of you who i would have liked to nominate if circumstances were different. If i have upset or offended anyone, please accept my humble apologies. Thank you, all, for your care and understanding x






“Just for today, Kathy; i need you back. Just for today…..please. Just for today, i want those boundaries broken, the barriers torn down, the pain gone. I just need your love back. I need to feel you hugging me safe, hugging my inner child safe; telling her it’ll all be ok. I need to feel your motherly kiss on my forehead each time we said goodbye. I need to feel your arms around me, comforting me when i am upset and when i am hurting and to feel your soft hand gently holding mine. I am hurting now, Kathy. I want you back. I know i shouldn’t but i do, i so do today. I loved you, i still love you, although i hate you too, but love and hate run in close lines together. I miss our long Sunday talks on the phone; i miss our neverending texts to each other. Oh, Kathy, why did you leave me? Why did you hurt me so much that day? I needed you more than anything or anyone that day, especially that day of all days, I was in such pain and you could see that and you left me, suddenly, unexpectedly, angrily and there was no goodbye hug with your arms wrapped around me; there was no kiss from my ‘mummy’. You left. You left me. You abandoned me and in hurt so much; it still hurts that much but i tell very few people of the love i had for you. I need you back. Just for today, i need you back”.


I spoke with my therapist this morning. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a flashback of me curled up tight in my bed as a four year old, in the hope of being invisible, being so small so as not to be seen, hugging my bear so close to me, so very tight as the crack in the door let the light in and suddenly i wasn’t invisible. I wished, i wished, i wished that i was, that he wouldn’t find me, that he wouldn’t hurt me but i had no way of stopping him. He pulled the covers back. I shut my eyes tight, pretending it wasn’t happening as he raped his vulnerable, young, four year old child. My therapist pulled me back to reality. I was shaking so much. Right then i would have welcomed those arms around me, holding me safe; that reassuring kiss on the forehead. Right then, i wanted Kathy back but i knew it was impossible. I cried out “I miss Kathy, i loved her; she was my mummy!”. I was forlorn. My therapist gently reminded me of the reality of what i was saying, the reality of the situation.



Kathy was my ‘nightmare therapist’ i’ve spoken of before who stormed out on me because i cried when my dad died. The dad who had abused me for so long. That day, that day, i needed her more than anything. And today; just for today, i want her back. I hurt.



All of my life, i feel, has been an uphill struggle to survive. Ever since my last therapist walked out on me on the day of my father’s death (because i was crying), i have been crawling in the dark, trying to find my way out of this nightmare, Ok; i know my father sexually abused me through my entire childhood but i wasn’t crying for the loss of that monster but for the loss of the father i never had and for the loss of my childhood, left in tatters. I lost my therapist, the one i had depended on so much and loved so dearly, on the same day, just hours after my father’s death. I was absolutely devastated by both events.  


Since then, i have wanted to break free from my past. I want to stop crawling in the dark where my world is deepest black most of the time and feel the sunlight on my face, smell the flowers and to truly become a survivor rather than the victim i have always been.

(I don’t know if this video link will come into my blog as i’m not sure how to get this right) but please take the time to watch it.


I’m going to fight to get out of this cold, dark tunnel and i won’t  give up until i have achieved this. I know the memories will never go away, the flashbacks and nightmares will still haunt me but i have to fight them with all the strength i can muster, with every bone in my body, every cell in my mind, Give it everything i have got!. I so want to be free.


My current therapist is encouraging and has hope in me; she reassures me that i can do this even at my lowest points. She says if i really, truly want it bad enough, that she will help me. I have endured eighteen years of unsuccessful therapy previously but maybe i just wasn’t ready to break free back then. I want to break free now; get out of that dark tunnel and learn to fly like a bird soaring over the treetops. I’ve been crawling in the dark for far too long. 

{Finally, i want you to bear in mind that i have Borderline Personality Disorder and today just happens to be a good and optimistic day. In an hour, a day, a week’s time i could well be back in that mud again. But i do hope not}.



half face crying

Why don’t my tears fall when anyone can see?

As if I must hide my pain from the world with shame

When I cry alone, and only then

Do those painful tears cascade

Like waterfalls down both cheeks

I am not in the least, ashamed of knowing that in my splintered heart

You may think me strong

But inside, I am weak at the broken places

Yet I will talk until the cows come home of my weakness and pain with you

Only my nose ‘cries’ tears into tissues, but do my eyes betray me?

Can you see me in here, hiding?

With my backpack full of heavy rocks

Which dent and twist my spine

The agony is severe and persistent

 I wish I could put it down for a while

So I may rest a little and escape my inner tortuous world

Yes, mostly I am ‘on show’, my public face smiling

When inside I hurt so deeply

Yet I love so passionately

Can you see me, hiding?




The Liebster Award (Sorry for errors)

Liebster Award
Liebster Award

Yesterday, i was awarded with The Liebster Award – I nominated 11 people for this award – i completely messed up and put the wrong link to my website for my nominees to claim their awards so i am not even aware of whether they even know i nominated them. The link should have been https://elliethompson.wordpress.com/2014/03/21/liebster-award/ For the 11 bloggers i nominated, I hope i have got it right now! Please check out my original post ‘The Liebster Award’ to see if you were one of my nominees. Sorry, i’ve made a complete hash of this. Ellie xxx