Day: March 2, 2014

 

Something awful and very traumatic happened to me last week. (I can’t even ‘go there’ yet).

It’s left me in a state of severe hypervigilance. I am constantly jumping out of my skin. I am ever alert. I hear every sound. I sense every movement. I need to be in control of my surroundings. I need to be safe.

I hear a car door slam, across the road, next door, down the street, anywhere….it’s someone for me; they’ll want to come into my house; they will demand something of me; they’re coming to hurt me. I jump out of my skin.

Someone rings the doorbell; knocks at the door; taps on the front room window, i hear my carer’s key in the lock. I am alert at every sound.They want me; they are going to demand something of me, something that i do not want to give; they’re going to hurt me….i am not safe. I jump out of my skin.

I hear loud music blaring out from next door….they are doing on purpose, to irritate me.They are angry with me; i’ve upset them in some way; they are doing it deliberately….because i have done something wrong. I jump out of my skin.

The phone rings; what do they want of me? What are they going to ask of me? They want to come over and come in for coffee or suchlike; they’ll yell at me. I jump out of my skin.

A friend makes a remark, or worse still, says nothing; what have i done? Have i said something out of place? Have i not said something i should have done? I jump out of my skin.

I email a friend, i write a letter, i write a post on Facebook….I get nothing back; there are no ‘likes’ or ‘comments’…..I’ve done the wrong thing; they don’t love me anymore; i have offended my friends; they’ll abandon me. I jump out of my skin.

Everywhere; everyone;  anytime, at any given moment….somebody hates me; they are out to get me; i’ve done something wrong.I’m bad. Some say that i’m paranoid. Some say that i’m over-sensitive. Some say i am being stupid or i am behaving like a five year old. Some say “pull yourself together”.

I need to be safe. Leave me alone. Don’t come near me. Don’t touch me. Don’t hurt me.

PLEASE, PLEASE SOMEBODY MAKE IT STOP! Make them go away. Keep me safe.

I deserve this.

I hide in a cupboard with my bear. I am sobbing my heart out – i am so frightened.  I am only little. I want to be dead.  I am jumping out of my skin.