I feel so screwed up today; I am hurting. I think a mixture of BPD throwing my emotions all over the place, (frustration because i can’t get my new avatar to show up in my thumbnail) – i wanted it to depict me and my inner child, me being Ellie Sofia and she, Little Ellie. This is the image i chose to represent ‘us’ which should be in my thumbnail and isn’t!
My inner child is trying to ‘grow up’, away from all the pain and the trauma. Little Ellie is running as fast as her little legs can carry her to get away from her raw emotions and memories.
Sometimes, i feel like a helter skelter, up and down like a yoyo and i’ve changed my blog page more times than i’ve had hot dinners to try and keep up with each passing phase. This page was supposed to be a new, bright start and yet i keep getting pulled into the dirt again.
I trying to move on, i so want to move on, move forward, leave my past behind me as if none of it was true, none of it really happened. I want to think of green trees and sunshine, smiles and sandy beaches; i want to think of cute kittens and pink candyfloss. But, no, here i am again, going round and round the same hamster wheel, while desperate to climb the little chrome ladder to escape it all, to escape the cage that locks me up as a ‘victim‘. I want, so much, to be a survivor, not a victim and i strive every day to try and fit this ‘adult’ role. But my Little Ellie refuses to let go of my heartstrings, refuses to stop crying, refuses to grow-up. We are both so tightly entwined, we are bound by our umbilical cord, we are one no matter how hard i try to fight it.
And then, i hear this song which i feel compelled to find on Youtube and it literally brings me to my knees, with Ellie Sofia, sobbing and my Little Ellie a crumpled heap on the floor and incapable of even lifting her petite, little head let alone, standing up and ‘moving on’. {It is only fair to say to you, please don’t watch this clip if you’re feeling very vulnerable}. IT HURTS. It hurt me to the core and so much, it left me crying in pain and flooded with unwanted thoughts and terrifying memories.
I’m sorry, i’m truly sorry, my dear, dear friends, if this leaves you crumpled too but i want us all to feel less alone with our pain, our ongoing war to survive each day.
This is why i am trying to move on, run as fast as the wind, escape the black hole, fighting the hard battle of change.
This is why is why i’m trying to move on.
Essentially Ellie 