I’m trying to move on, to move on from my past, from my memories, from the ghosts that have haunted me all my life. Ellie Sofia is being unusually firm with Little Ellie although every ounce of that firmness is given with love. She wants to take Ellie’s hand, hold her tight and run for their lives. Run, run, run as far away as possible from this place of staying ‘stuck’. We’ve gotta get out of this place:
I don’t think things are being helped by my Borderline Personality Disorder; being so impulsive, acting on it and then regretting it afterwards. My mood and mind are in a state of flux all the time. I want to scream, i want to shout, i want to yell at the top of my lungs, i hate being in my head, i hate my thoughts being tangled up like Spaghetti Junction, i’ve gotta get out of this place; this place being my head. And maybe, yes, i am ‘out of my mind’ as i feel i am sometimes, but then ,i can never get far enough to escape the relentless pain.
I have written this on the spur of the moment; my thoughts racing through my head like a speed train and i know my BPD impulsivity will make me just press the dreaded ‘Publish’ button without even even looking back! And then, when this is ‘out there’, in the world and i stand here in all my nakedness, i’ll undoubtedly want to beat myself up for being so stupid and letting my thoughts just run and run and run. We’ve gotta get out of this place! I just wish someone would take me and Little Ellie by the hand and guide us in the right direction to go because this sure isn’t it. Help!