I’VE BEEN CRAWLING IN THE DARK

All of my life, i feel, has been an uphill struggle to survive. Ever since my last therapist walked out on me on the day of my father’s death (because i was crying), i have been crawling in the dark, trying to find my way out of this nightmare, Ok; i know my father sexually abused me through my entire childhood but i wasn’t crying for the loss of that monster but for the loss of the father i never had and for the loss of my childhood, left in tatters. I lost my therapist, the one i had depended on so much and loved so dearly, on the same day, just hours after my father’s death. I was absolutely devastated by both events.  

Since then, i have wanted to break free from my past. I want to stop crawling in the dark where my world is deepest black most of the time and feel the sunlight on my face, smell the flowers and to truly become a survivor rather than the victim i have always been.

(I don’t know if this video link will come into my blog as i’m not sure how to get this right) but please take the time to watch it.

I’m going to fight to get out of this cold, dark tunnel and i won’t  give up until i have achieved this. I know the memories will never go away, the flashbacks and nightmares will still haunt me but i have to fight them with all the strength i can muster, with every bone in my body, every cell in my mind, Give it everything i have got!. I so want to be free.

My current therapist is encouraging and has hope in me; she reassures me that i can do this even at my lowest points. She says if i really, truly want it bad enough, that she will help me. I have endured eighteen years of unsuccessful therapy previously but maybe i just wasn’t ready to break free back then. I want to break free now; get out of that dark tunnel and learn to fly like a bird soaring over the treetops. I’ve been crawling in the dark for far too long. 

{Finally, i want you to bear in mind that i have Borderline Personality Disorder and today just happens to be a good and optimistic day. In an hour, a day, a week’s time i could well be back in that mud again. But i do hope not}.

Author: Ellie Thompson

Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ... ... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full. I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else. Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊 View all posts by Ellie Thompson