“Just for today, Kathy; i need you back. Just for today…..please. Just for today, i want those boundaries broken, the barriers torn down, the pain gone. I just need your love back. I need to feel you hugging me safe, hugging my inner child safe; telling her it’ll all be ok. I need to feel your motherly kiss on my forehead each time we said goodbye. I need to feel your arms around me, comforting me when i am upset and when i am hurting and to feel your soft hand gently holding mine. I am hurting now, Kathy. I want you back. I know i shouldn’t but i do, i so do today. I loved you, i still love you, although i hate you too, but love and hate run in close lines together. I miss our long Sunday talks on the phone; i miss our neverending texts to each other. Oh, Kathy, why did you leave me? Why did you hurt me so much that day? I needed you more than anything or anyone that day, especially that day of all days, I was in such pain and you could see that and you left me, suddenly, unexpectedly, angrily and there was no goodbye hug with your arms wrapped around me; there was no kiss from my ‘mummy’. You left. You left me. You abandoned me and in hurt so much; it still hurts that much but i tell very few people of the love i had for you. I need you back. Just for today, i need you back”.
I spoke with my therapist this morning. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a flashback of me curled up tight in my bed as a four year old, in the hope of being invisible, being so small so as not to be seen, hugging my bear so close to me, so very tight as the crack in the door let the light in and suddenly i wasn’t invisible. I wished, i wished, i wished that i was, that he wouldn’t find me, that he wouldn’t hurt me but i had no way of stopping him. He pulled the covers back. I shut my eyes tight, pretending it wasn’t happening as he raped his vulnerable, young, four year old child. My therapist pulled me back to reality. I was shaking so much. Right then i would have welcomed those arms around me, holding me safe; that reassuring kiss on the forehead. Right then, i wanted Kathy back but i knew it was impossible. I cried out “I miss Kathy, i loved her; she was my mummy!”. I was forlorn. My therapist gently reminded me of the reality of what i was saying, the reality of the situation.
Kathy was my ‘nightmare therapist’ i’ve spoken of before who stormed out on me because i cried when my dad died. The dad who had abused me for so long. That day, that day, i needed her more than anything. And today; just for today, i want her back. I hurt.
Essentially Ellie 
This breaks my heart. Hugs my sweet friend. Xx
I am hurting; I am crying but your hugs are soothing. Thank you so much xxx
This breaks our heart too. How can people with so much power do things that are so abusive? We have had an abusive therapist so we know your pain. Leaving you was not ok! Safe safe hugs to you from all of us we have did so are sending you hugs! XX
Thank you all so much for your safe hugs. I’m sorry that you have had a similar experience too – it must have been awful for you. I understand did as i have a form of did myself. Sending healing hugs to you all. Take take xxx
Thanks Ellie you take good care too ok? I hope today is a good day for you! XXX
❤
http://lifeandptsd.wordpress.com/2014/03/26/brave-heart-award/
Stand Strong You Are Not Alone
I call you a survivor, because that is what you are. There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are losing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong. I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse. In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.
Each step you take you are not alone.
Thank you so, so much for taking the time and trouble to reply with so much depth and care. Your words mean so much and do give me hope and courage for when i am struggling. I am honoured that you think of me as a survivor even when i don’t feel that i am. Thank you so much for your encouragement to keep fighting. Thank you for reminding me that God has plans for me, for a better life and future. I pray regularly and pray too for you in your fight and all my friends here. I wish i could give you a hug so am sending you virtual ones.and pray that God blesses you and gives you His peace and healing, which you so much deserve. God bless you and keep you safe, my friend. {{Hugs}}, Ellie xxx ❤
hugs to you xx
Thank you, Mariann xxx
I have only recently found your space and am not quite familiar with it yet – but I have to say, as a victim of abuse myself – and only recently quietly but openly speaking it – I admire your strength and courage in sharing your thoughts so openly, expressing the pain and hurt, which can be so crippling. I am very glad that you are able to work with a therapist who can and will help you help yourself heal. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve yet to truly visit your space, but you are inspiring to me. And so, despite your pain – I thank you. And I send you positive healing energy for when you are feeling the most captured; you are strong and have reserves unknown to you yet, so courage my “friend” – you are on the most incredible journey of your life – one of self-love and healing.