Wanting To Die

Suddenly, the bottom has dropped out of my world and i feel desperate. I have no reason – my state of mind is liable to change from minute to minute. I was ok ten minutes ago. Now, I’m not ok, far from it. I am complicated – most people don’t understand me. I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (BPD), i have DID which makes me ‘mad’ in most peoples’ eyes, i have anorexia, i self harm plus a multitude of other psychological and physical stuff going on. I am angry, I am hurting. I want to die. This video shows you some of what i feel every day:

I am fractured; i am broken
I want the pain to go away. I want the pain to STOP. Inside my head, is screaming. I want to die. I have no value. I have no worth. I am of no use to man nor beast. Please, just let my mind stop thinking. I want to die



Author: Ellie Thompson

Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ... ... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full. I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else. Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊

13 thoughts on “Wanting To Die”

  1. Bless you, my friend. I was cruelly ‘dumped’ and abandoned by a friend and felt my world fall apart. I slept a while and felt calmer on waking although i had hurt myself. It helped so much to know you were there and that you cared. I can’t thank you enough. Hugs, Ellie xxx

  2. This is a very powerful video – and I thank you for sharing it; it has helped me better understand things I hadn’t understood before and heightens my sense of empathy. I have been most of these “issues” in the video before, too, but not to the extreme degree.
    I wish I knew how to reach out to you – to let you know that someone – somewhere does care and love you – and that as difficult as it is for you to reach out and trust and self-love, it *is* possible.

    I haven’t been visiting your blog long, and so I don’t know your “back story” but just from the tags alone – I can say with love – that I can relate and share your pain. Know there are others like you – you are not alone – really – and that if you can somehow find some small spark of self-love within yourself – trust it and reach out to your support system. You may feel utterly alone, dejected and “broken” – but you’re not – you can’t be – because otherwise you still wouldn’t be here – and you wouldn’t be reaching out so openly here.

    I hope you can make a little headway and find some peace and love in your life – soon – with trusted help.

      1. From one who has more or less, to a certain degree been where you are – sincerely hope for all the best for you – you are truly more than all the “labels” and abuse – you are worthy of being well and living a life of dreams and strength. Be well my friend. πŸ™‚

  3. Hey, old post or not I want you to know that you are not alone. I know that these disorders can make you feel completely alone … I know everyone’s unique in how they experience their disorders but I can relate. I suffer from alot of what you’ve listed … so I understand in my own way. I don’t know if you would find comfort … but if you wanna talk or something … πŸ™‚

    1. Thank you, Siylasia, for understanding. You will be pleased to know that I have become a lot stronger since I wrote this post. I hope you are coping ok and that you have a very happy Christmas and a good New Year x πŸ™‚

      1. Of course, we all need a little understanding. Good to know! Whatever it is that you are doing in order to make life that much more lovely, keep it up! Aww … thank-you! We all did over here- you?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: