I am writing this post by way of an apology to you all.
I am sorry i have been so out of touch recently; that i haven’t read or replied to your blogs; that i haven’t said thank you for all the kind comments you left on my last blog, which i have only just seen; that i haven’t been of much use to anyone really. In addition, i found a crass, sarcastic comment from some sick pervert which i didn’t ‘Approve’ so that it didn’t appear on my page to upset anyone else. I seem to attract perverts. I think i have done so ever since i was a small child.
I have very few friends and most of those have buggered off since i’ve not been well! I know i have my blog friends, here, who i value highly even though i’m never likely to meet any of you and we are all, to some extent, incognito.
I really crashed after that experience i wrote about in my last blog. I’ve been getting so many vivid flashbacks that i’m scared to hardly breathe. It seems as if they appear directly in front of my eyes in glorious technicolour and i inhale them one after the other until i go to pieces altogether, break down and feel like i am losing my mind I can’t seem to function at all. I am unable to concentrate on anything, including my blog, finishing my book, reading, phoning family or catching up with many emails. I am so exhausted all the time and I just want to be curled up in bed permanently.
I’m not interested in food and am only eating the bare minimum; at the same time telling myself, firmly, that this is not my anorexia returning although i have lost weight.
My therapy sessions are fraught with memories, anger and tears. Thankfully, i’m not self harming, nor have i gone back to the drink and drugs or overdosing although i have felt tempted many times.
Well, i think that about sums up where i am at at the moment. So, i’m very sorry if i have hurt any of your feelings and all i can say, with the scrap of humour i have left is ‘normal service will resume as soon as possible‘.
Hugs xxx
Essentially Ellie 