I’d like to say that i have totally recovered from my life-long anorexia, and yes, to a certain extent, i have, but it never quite goes away altogether. I still have the anorexic voice in my head, day in day out.


I don’t look painfully thin although i am slim and it’s a constant battle to keep that voice at bay. It ebbs and flows but the tide never actually goes out. i’ve been dangerously underweight and in treatment more than once and i can honestly say that i don’t want to go back there again. I just wish the nagging voice would stop.


I watch, like a hawk, everything i eat. I know the calorific value of everything i put into my mouth. I mentally count the calories i’ve consumed. I always buy the lowest fat, lowest calorie food product of each type; milk, yoghurts, ready meals, fruit and vegetables even. I don’t eat anything ‘nice’. “I’m not allowed it, i don’t deserve it, i’ll lose control”, says the voice.


I don’t allow myself potatoes, bread, crackers, pasta, rice, sweets, cake, biscuits, etc and definitely no chocolate! Stupid, i know. We all need carbohydrates for energy (no wonder i’m alway so tired). I dread eating out and will starve myself all day if i know i have to go out for a ‘sociable’ meal.


I still binge sometimes, when i’m really hungry, and then i make myself pay for it by hardly eating the next day. I used to misuse laxatives every day to ‘get rid’ of the food i’d eaten but i no longer do that although after a life-time of doing so, my digestive system has never recovered and i have to take non-addictive, prescription medicine, daily, to be able to ‘go‘ at all and i’ll weigh myself at least three times a day but i’m not anorexic!


(Mischa-Barton photo)

I don’t look obviously anorexic and although my few friends i have left, say that i look ‘drawn’, i don’t agree with them. I think i’m still too fat. What a bloody, useless, fucking  failure of an anorexic, i am. I don’t recommend that anyone starts the perilous journey to this never-ending road. It hurts and it’s agony and you’re never free of it. ‘I am dying to be thin’. And anorexia does bite back.








Author: Ellie Thompson

Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ... ... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full. I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else. Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊

4 thoughts on “ANOREXIA BITES BACK”

  1. Painful to read your entry. I believe it’s a disease of the mind, the body is just doing what you’re forcing it to do. I’m sorry you’re in such pain. I blame society, the media, the celebrity culture and just the terrible attitude society has against women and young girls. Instead of promoting body positivity, some of these rags just destroy them.

    I don’t know you. But I want you to get well for your future kids, the man who loves you, or will once you learn to accept and love yourself, and for the beautiful life ahead of you if you just believe in yourself.

    Food is for life, for energy, for sharing with friends and family, for pleasure – not for pain or eventual death. Love yourself, please!

    1. Thank you for understanding, my friend and i hope your struggle with an ED is not too awful at the moment and if it is, i am sorry and really feel for you too xxx

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