I’d like to say that i have totally recovered from my life-long anorexia, and yes, to a certain extent, i have, but it never quite goes away altogether. I still have the anorexic voice in my head, day in day out.
I don’t look painfully thin although i am slim and it’s a constant battle to keep that voice at bay. It ebbs and flows but the tide never actually goes out. i’ve been dangerously underweight and in treatment more than once and i can honestly say that i don’t want to go back there again. I just wish the nagging voice would stop.
I watch, like a hawk, everything i eat. I know the calorific value of everything i put into my mouth. I mentally count the calories i’ve consumed. I always buy the lowest fat, lowest calorie food product of each type; milk, yoghurts, ready meals, fruit and vegetables even. I don’t eat anything ‘nice’. “I’m not allowed it, i don’t deserve it, i’ll lose control”, says the voice.
I don’t allow myself potatoes, bread, crackers, pasta, rice, sweets, cake, biscuits, etc and definitely no chocolate! Stupid, i know. We all need carbohydrates for energy (no wonder i’m alway so tired). I dread eating out and will starve myself all day if i know i have to go out for a ‘sociable’ meal.
I still binge sometimes, when i’m really hungry, and then i make myself pay for it by hardly eating the next day. I used to misuse laxatives every day to ‘get rid’ of the food i’d eaten but i no longer do that although after a life-time of doing so, my digestive system has never recovered and i have to take non-addictive, prescription medicine, daily, to be able to ‘go‘ at all and i’ll weigh myself at least three times a day but i’m not anorexic!
I don’t look obviously anorexic and although my few friends i have left, say that i look ‘drawn’, i don’t agree with them. I think i’m still too fat. What a bloody, useless, fucking failure of an anorexic, i am. I don’t recommend that anyone starts the perilous journey to this never-ending road. It hurts and it’s agony and you’re never free of it. ‘I am dying to be thin’. And anorexia does bite back.
4 thoughts on “ANOREXIA BITES BACK”
Painful to read your entry. I believe it’s a disease of the mind, the body is just doing what you’re forcing it to do. I’m sorry you’re in such pain. I blame society, the media, the celebrity culture and just the terrible attitude society has against women and young girls. Instead of promoting body positivity, some of these rags just destroy them.
I don’t know you. But I want you to get well for your future kids, the man who loves you, or will once you learn to accept and love yourself, and for the beautiful life ahead of you if you just believe in yourself.
Food is for life, for energy, for sharing with friends and family, for pleasure – not for pain or eventual death. Love yourself, please!
Thank you xxx
his made me cry. It made me cry because I can relate. I really relate to your words hon. It sucks. It totally sucks to have an ed. XX
Thank you for understanding, my friend and i hope your struggle with an ED is not too awful at the moment and if it is, i am sorry and really feel for you too xxx