I’m feeling lost and alone. I need somebody to love me. Really love me, not just care about me. I mean love me truly, not sexually, not necessarily physically although i like safe hugs, but love me for who i am and let that be enough for them. I want someone to love me heart and soul. Simple needs really. I would love that somebody back with everything i have. I would give them my all, my everything, my undying love.
I need someone to listen to me, no, not merely listen but hear me. I go to therapy once a week, which of course i pay for. I talk; she listens. She talks; and I listen. It helps. It works; she hears me but it’s only 50 minutes out of a week of a lonely 10,080 minutes.
I have people to chat to occasionally. I know they care, and I care back equally. But, it’s not enough. Maybe i’m plain greedy, ungrateful, selfish. No, it’s not that. It is that i am hurting, i am lost. I have few friends. I have more friends here in my blogging world than i do in my real life and although i am so very appreciative of that, it’s still not enough. Will any amount of love ever be enough, i wonder? Am i wanting the impossible? Am i asking too much?
My family have long ago, abandoned me all but a sister in Canada who i speak to sometimes. But she is so very far away and can’t afford to visit often. And i can’t go there because of my agoraphobia. I just want someone to love me.
Am i feeling sorry for myself? Yes, i probably am. Am i selfish? Yes, quite likely. Am i ungrateful? Yes – after all i have God in my life and i know that He does love me dearly. So why isn’t that enough? It ought to be. I don’t know. Today, it just isn’t. Tomorrow, it may be and i’ll be fine again. Who knows? I’m just sitting here on my own with too much time to think and having a rant!