I’m feeling lost and alone. I need somebody to love me. Really love me, not just care about me. I mean love me truly, not sexually, not necessarily physically although i like safe hugs, but love me for who i am and let that be enough for them. I want someone to love me heart and soul. Simple needs really. I would love that somebody back with everything i have. I would give them my all, my everything, my undying love.
I need someone to listen to me, no, not merely listen but hear me. I go to therapy once a week, which of course i pay for. I talk; she listens. She talks; and I listen. It helps. It works; she hears me but it’s only 50 minutes out of a week of a lonely 10,080 minutes.
I have people to chat to occasionally. I know they care, and I care back equally. But, it’s not enough. Maybe i’m plain greedy, ungrateful, selfish. No, it’s not that. It is that i am hurting, i am lost. I have few friends. I have more friends here in my blogging world than i do in my real life and although i am so very appreciative of that, it’s still not enough. Will any amount of love ever be enough, i wonder? Am i wanting the impossible? Am i asking too much?
My family have long ago, abandoned me all but a sister in Canada who i speak to sometimes. But she is so very far away and can’t afford to visit often. And i can’t go there because of my agoraphobia. I just want someone to love me.
Am i feeling sorry for myself? Yes, i probably am. Am i selfish? Yes, quite likely. Am i ungrateful? Yes – after all i have God in my life and i know that He does love me dearly. So why isn’t that enough? It ought to be. I don’t know. Today, it just isn’t. Tomorrow, it may be and i’ll be fine again. Who knows? I’m just sitting here on my own with too much time to think and having a rant!
Essentially Ellie 
I apologize to fellow bloggers for the huge size of the text in this post. I’m honestly not ‘shouting’ at you. I can just find any way of reducing it. All suggestions gratefully received x
I very much relate to how you feel. I don’t think it’s selfish, though. I think everyone deserves to be loved. xx
Thank you for your reassurance. It’s sad that you can relate too xxx
I relate too. Thank you for writing this. I am SO in that place. xxx
Thank you for your understanding. I’m so sorry you are in that place too xxx
I don’t think any of the feelings you are feeling are selfish – although I can really appreciate your perspective and the place from where these absurd ideas come.
I think when we have been so terribly brutalized in our lives – and when we are trying like hell to work on ourselves each and every day, in seemingly every moment, when we feel abandoned and so terribly alone – then we truly need gentle, loving – unconditional loving – from a safe and trusted friend – an actual physical person who doesn’t judge and isn’t interested in “fixing us.”
It’s just difficult to not add additional garbage on ourselves because we feel guilty for needing more than we have – and I think this maybe should be one of the first steps we take to “fix ourselves” — because unless we are honest and open and truthful with ourselves, admitting the depths of our pain and loneliness – then how can we heal.
I so understand how you feel. Courage my friend.
Patricia, Your words touch me deeply and i can feel that you do indeed understand and care. and for that i thank you so much. I understand what you are saying. and thank you for your help and support and for urging me forwards when i slip back. Thank you, my friend xxx
You’re welcome Ellie 🙂 Compassion and empathy from friends are always good things when offered in an authentic and truthful manner – and I do understand your feelings – having them myself also – and so, yes, in some ways we are kindered spirits. And from this, when one is strong, the ability and willingness to try to help the other when they are down, grows truth and friendship and trust.
I hope you have a very good day – in whatever small ways – because it’s the small ways that add up to better and bigger things.
You are not ungrateful. You are not selfish. Ranting is ok, Ellie. You have a lot on your shoulders. Rant away. You know where we are. Email us any time hon! We’re here for you. We want to be, we love you and will reach out as much as we can. XXXooo ❤
Thank you – that’s really lovely of you to say those things. We love you lots too xxx ❤