A NOTE TO MY BLOGGING FRIENDS

In two days time, it will be the second anniversary of my father’s death…the father who sexually, emotionally and mentally abused me all through my childhood. This anniversary throws up so many connotations as i remember the last time i saw and spoke to him on his death-bed. only three hours before he died. I was the last one to see him before he died. Ironically, i could have said anything to hi during that last couple of hours and always thought that i would have ‘my say’ at last. But instead, i found myself holding his hands; the very hands that had abused me and ripped my virginity away at the tender age of four. I whispered “I forgive you, dad“, despite being alone with him and having the liberty to say whatever i wanted; in fact, all the words i’d always imagined i would say to him when he lay there so helpless. But no; i had to tell him i’d forgiven him as much for my own sake as his;  so i could finally let go of all the hurt and pain caused by him, and move on.

But , if only life was that simple. I am still haunted by nightmares and flashbacks, day in, day out, so why, what was the point?

I am feeling so vulnerable with the vivid memories of him abusing me flashing through my mind; this combined with memories of laying a red rose on his coffin as we all did, at his funeral and crying for the loss of another chance at life with him, ever, ever again.

I was not mourning the loss of my father in the normal sense but rather mourning the loss of the father i always wanted but never had and mourning the loss of my entire childhood  which had consequences on every day of the rest of my life. Such loss. 

This is affecting me greatly right now so i wanted to apologize to all my blogging friends that if you don’t hear much from me in the next few days, be it posts, comments or likes etc., I am sorry but i will still be thinking of you all and will be back on here as soon a my head allows me to. I feel awful leaving you all in the lurch, knowing that many of you are going through such difficult times right now too and i am so sorry i can offer so little support over the next few days – i do hope you understand and forgive me.

I love you all dearly and will be thinking of each one of you. Take great care of yourselves and stay safe till we next meet xxx ❤ 😦

Author: Ellie Thompson

Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ... ... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full. I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else. Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊 View all posts by Ellie Thompson