FEELING WHOLE :)

Just for once, i feel whole and complete today rather than fragmented as usual, although there are always broken fragments inside. Today, I feel content which makes a nice change from my usual highly stressed out self. Some of you who know me well will understand when is say ‘my real Baby Emily has come home at long last’ and that has made a huge difference.

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I’ve got through the whole day without a single panic attack and i’ve been pretty good with my eating too (ate most of the small meals my carers gave me), haven’t needed any extra, emergency medication and the pain i get with my disability is bearable today too (I just wish my legs worked!!). Well, i count myself lucky really…I have a good wheelchair which gets me about and I always think they’re are a hell of a lot of people who are worse off than me (and that is so true).

Yay! I even had my favourite carer come to me this evening – she’s lovely and is called Kim. We always have a hug…we’re both ‘huggy’ people. I’m not supposed to hug my carers but she is special. We are just, really on the same wavelength! When she leaves this care agency, we’re going to keep in touch (yes…I know were not supposed too!) and we’ll make the best of friends. I showed her my favourite song on here…’Brave’, sung by Sara Bareilles which means so very much to me as a survivor (and I am a survivor; I no longer choose to be a victim). I’m going to take this opportunity (and I hope you don’t mind), of reblogging this video which i put on an earlier post. I just love it. It took me best part of forty years for me to be able to ‘let the words fall out’, as the song says. I can stand up and speak my truth and I’m not ashamed of that today.

 

10 thoughts on “FEELING WHOLE :)

  1. I’m so happy that this day has been so much better for you — and that you can piece it all together – even in the smallest of ways! Yay! And, I’m proud that you choose to be a survivor – and that slowly you will be able to move through the pain, hurt and grief — and one day – I know you will keep moving to “running free” – more than a strong survivor – but one heck of a woman who has a story to tell – and – has the ability to move well beyond it all. It may never completely leave us Ellie – scars may remain – but they too will fade with time — and we can wear them proudly – as badges of our courage and strength – quiet reminders of what we have faced – and how it is we Choose to move on – to much better healthier places.

    Good for you Ellie – and treasure this day – and all the wonderful moments – they will give you strength and courage and hope when you start to “slip” or feel down and out.

    1. Thank you so much, Patricia, for such an encouraging reply. As i write this in answer to your comment, it is Sunday and i am struggling quite a bit, as i was yesterday but as you say i will keep running even i sometimes i don’t feel i’m getting anywhere. Your words have helped today…thank you, my friend xxx

      1. I’m glad that somewhere you have found something positive within my reply –a little bud of hope to help and remind when we feel so overwhelmed. Be well my friend -and I hope your today brings you more joy than pain.

    1. Goodness … where did you find this post? I wrote it eight years ago, not long after I’d first started blogging. I wasn’t in the best place back then; it was just after that counsellor left me that I mentioned more recently in a comment to you. She walked out on me the day my dad died, and she’d been emotionally abusive for most of the eight years I saw her from 2004 – 2012. She left me in a complete mess; hence, I was quite disturbed then. I wrote this two years after that and was determined to get better from my very poor mental health. She left me with extremely raw emotions. These days, I’m a lot better, albeit I’m having a bit of a tough time right now. It will pass. I have faith in my new counsellor and know I’m headed in the right direction.

      As you commented, there is a lot to know about me. I’ve been to hell and back, and more than once. However, I’m pretty open with my feelings. I’ve always found writing cathartic. I’m honoured that you’re sticking with me. Thank you. Ellie

      1. I found the post at the bottom of today’s post, in the related posts section. I guess it was the first time you posted “Brave.” But what I was refering to mostly was the wheelchair, and I wondered if you still have it, and the home caregivers, which is a job I used to do many years ago.
        “Sticking with you” is not how I look at blogging. I basically only have one real friend left in my life, the woman I share my life with.
        I am an old hippie, living in a town full of rednecks. The one couple/friends we had here moved away for work purposes, and we stili visit with them when we go to the city, but mostly we stick to ourselves now. So all my virtual friends have replaced the “real” people in my life. It just seems easier that way.
        What will happen in the future I do not pretend to know. Being an atheist has scared a lot of people away. Being a far-left thinker has also accomplished chasing people away. There are obviously other personality traits that do that too, but I’m not always sure what they are.
        So, I take life, and people, as they come and go. I am not exactly what one might call a “social” person in that I have always lived on the edges of society. I think that scares a lot of people too. But that is their choice. I try to be friendly with everyone, but it seems that is not possible. I certainly am not scared to tell people what I think, sometimes of them. In my mind I question their humanity, or lack of it. A few stay and discuss things. Many just disappear. I like to discuss things. Not everyone does…

      2. Hi rawgod. I hadn’t realised that my blog showed a ‘related to’ suggestion when I posted. I’ve seen that on other people’s blogs but wasn’t aware it was on mine. I’m not sure I like that as the posts from years ago – and it many years ago – are not who I am anymore. I’ve previously been through all my posts and deleted many that I didn’t wish to be read again. I didn’t actually realise that this one and the BPD ones were still available to read. It’s certainly been an eye-opener reading them again after so long. You asked about my care and my wheelchair. Yes, I still have my wheelchairs, one manual and one electric. I’m fortunate in that, with a lot of effort and training in rehab etc., I can now manage on my own and don’t require care anymore. I’m very happy about that.

        I’m glad you have a partner in your life who you are close to. I can identify with having virtual friends and less flesh-and-blood friends. I do have a few good friends, but have made a lot of virtual friends, too, mostly through my blog and also the zoom courses that I do from home which are online. I really enjoy those. Being an atheist, a far-left thinker and an ‘old hippie’ doesn’t bother me at all. I’m pretty much the same in my views, although I’m less of a hippy these days than I used to be. I think of myself as living an alternative lifestyle. I’ve always thought I’d love to live in a commune, but I find, as I get older, the idea doesn’t appeal to me as much. I like my privacy and space too much. I have some odd personality traits, too, but nothing too antisocial anymore.

        I like that you take people as they come – I do, too. I do find you friendly and great to have a conversation with. I enjoy our discussions. I’m known for writing too much, whether in emails, texts, letters, comments and replies. Some of my friends find that amusing. A few people have been irritated by the length of my communications, but then, that’s their problem and not mine. Anyway, I’ll leave it there. I will reply to your other comments on my BPD blog separately …

      3. It is sad that we do not get to see our blogs as everyone else sees them. They must have some kind of algorithm that chooses what to put in related post sections, especially the ones not from our own blogs. I have noticed some blogs always show the previous post, and the next post, but not all of them. (But what do they show when there is “no next post” yet?) Also, for some blogs, they show posts with a directly opposite theme. An atheistic post will show posts by religious bloggers — that one I never understand. But that is what WordPress.com is all about, not making any sense. I often think about looking at WordPress.net to see what is different from .com, but so far I have not found the time.
        No one has ever complained about the lengths of my posts, but certain people complain about the length of my comments, or my comments being “off-topic.” I just tell them my mind goes where it wants to go, and in my mind there is a usually a relationship, it just might be very subtle.
        My worst problem is my typos. I am a horrible typist, and while I try to proofread everything I miss a lot. I had to take my Spelchek off because it could not understand my typos and stuck in totally wrong words and did not highlight them. Now I just rely on my own eyesight, which is not that good anymore. But so much for housekeeping. I’ll look for your next replies, becauseI enjoy our discussions/conversations too.

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