I was going to call this post ‘Back Down the Rabbit Hole’ but then i read my kind friends’ comments on my last post, where i was feeling great and i thought to myself (after much deliberation), that NO, I refuse to go back down that black rabbit hole. I’m not feeling good by any means (and i had a bad day and also had no email yesterday to be able to read any of your posts or emails, so i apologize if if have not left comments or replied to emails yet). But i refuse, i just downright, plain refuse to go into that darkness again.

I am really struggling today, yes, but nevertheless, i find myself on the hamster wheel where i have been many times before. The perpetual cycle of going round and around and around, endlessly. But yet, in my despair today, at least i am still running. I am still moving, all be it that i moving reluctantly. I am moving! And it takes some doing; it really does when all i want to do is burrow back down into that rabbit hole and stay there in the blackness with my eyes tight shut.


I’m battling with BPD with it’s continuing unpredictability, and my DDNOS which turns my life upside-down and inside-out at times. I am fighting hard to recover from anorexia. I am in pain today as my wheelchair ran into a pothole in the road as i was crossing it on my way back from church and my leg is so sore now. And i didn’t feel sociable at church so i went for the service to praise God for the good things i do have and then i came straight home rather than choosing to stay on for coffee and general chit-chat.

So, here i am, running as fast as my wheels will take me, running to keep going, running to keep fighting; fighting not to give up and feel sorry for myself. I don’t have any idea where i am running to in this wheel at this time but all i know is that if i stop my racing, i will surely fall straight back down that dark hole again and NO, i choose not to go down that route today!



6 thoughts on “THE HAMSTER WHEEL

  1. One breath and one moment at a time – and yes, we know the despair and ease with which we can easily slip into the comfort of the darkness – but even if it’s the slimmest sliver of sunshine or light that captures us for but a moment, then – this what we need to hold onto —- and tightly —- because I’m beginning to think, personally, that it isn’t necessarily about where we’re heading, but rather just getting out – and once in light – then – as we can strength, faith, hope and courage, and more support from those who can see our “inner light” shining – then, we will find new paths and directions.

    Keep strong Ellie – one breath and moment at a time.

  2. Thank you so much, Patricia, for your understanding and intuitive words. Today is a difficult day but I am trying to remember your advice…one breath and one moment at a time. Hugs, Ellie xxx

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