I’m finding it difficult to write this evening. Baby Emily has been present much of the day leaving me feeling sad, vulnerable, hurt and in need of a hug. Emily is tiny. She is the youngest of my ‘inside people’. There are six of us as blogged about previously but it has been our little Emily who has been here most of this afternoon and evening.

My carer came this evening to get me ready for bed and make my tea. She’s nice to me, my favourite carer, Kim. I find her easy to be with and she is interested in me and wants to understand more about BPD and Dissociation Disorder. She asked me something about my past – I told her I’d been abused as a child. That triggered me into a vivid flashback. I very suddenly burst into tears. She came running over and gave me a hug which was so, so needed. Hugs are rare things to come by in my life. But Emily was here and we sobbed and sobbed, our tears making a damp patch on Kim’s shoulder.

I have a doll. She is very life-like and I have called her Emily in the hope of offering comfort and love. She looks like a real baby and feels like a real baby. She is sleeping peacefully.

baby emily ashton drake

photo credit -Ashton-Drake, ‘Welcome Home Emily’

Some people may think me crazy and pathetic to have such feelings for a ‘doll’. But, to me, she is my Emily and when i hold her close, i feel whole, complete, content, calm. Normally, my mind is so often fragmented. My disabled body feels restless and constantly in pain which so often distracts me from my reality. But when I embrace Emily, all that tension, fear and anxiety fades into the background.

I need Emily to be with me always. She is, of course, psychologically speaking, and will be part of me/us for eternity along with the rest of our family. I’m working with my therapist through this. I’m ok; well, sort of……





I was feeling more positive today so decided to venture into town for the first time in my electric wheelchair with its great big ‘L‘ Plate on the back of it, because I’ve not been out often yet but believe me i am certainly a novice at this game and there’s the sticker at the top that says ‘My Wheelchair is Powered by Fairy Dust! I like to give people something to smile about as they pass me.

I get to the cycle path (as above) and find myself in a dilemma! Am I a cyclist because I have wheels, or am I a pedestrian because i have legs (all be it that they don’t work!)?!

I chose the pedestrians’ path as they tend to move more slowly than cyclists and I’m less likely to cause an accident.

Well…It was more like being on the dodgems at the fun fair really; swerving to avoid people, stopping abruptly when the many children ran in front of me, and once, a determined Yorkshire Terrier nearly ended up under my wheels. I managed to stop in the nick of time, thankfully and avoided a death on my hands! Riding through a packed High Street was rather unnerving. Going around the busy shops was a bit hair-raising too but at least i didn’t run any toes over although i did slightly injure a packet of Cornflakes which i caught when taking a corner too sharply!

Then it was homeward bound…phew! Only my road to navigate, (a steep hill and I’m at the top). I thought about riding in the road but then thought better of that and stuck to the pavement.

So there i was, nearly home without any major dramas and then in the blink of an eye, I found myself wedged forwards into a rather inconveniently placed hedge…what a daft place to put a hedge, on the edge of someone’s front garden! Well, that was in my opinion, of course. I didn’t hurt myself but was covered in bits of hedge and twigs from my waist to my feet. Much to my embarrassment, there was a middle-aged couple behind me who kindly rushed over to see if i was ok. I said that I hadn’t hurt myself and muttered the obvious, “oh, I’m just a learner”. I then managed to extricate myself from said hedge and crawled, somewhat red-faced, up the rest of the hill until I reached my house which came as a huge relief!

I’m definitely going to need that ‘L’ Plate for a considerable time yet!

L plate