I posted a very desperate post this morning. I have calmed down a bit now and am beginning to ‘pull myself together’, for want of a better expression. The relatives I mentioned in that post were actually very much closer to me than I made them sound and it still affects me badly, every day (but I’m still not at liberty to say which relatives they were). I still love them both to bits but now don’t have any contact with them at all (their decision and choice, not mine).
I’ve been through a hell of a lot in my life (as have many of you) but today has been particularly difficult especially as it coincided with the anniversary of my friend’s death (she died suddenly at the age of 53 – she was beautiful, inside and out). It’s been five years since I lost her.
I was so upset this morning and I said that I wanted to take a load of pills (and it wouldn’t have been the first time), but instead of that, i rang my therapist and we talked which helped. I also rang my Social Worker who came over this afternoon. I was very blessed that they were both able to give me some of their valuable time.
I’m sorry if I worried any of my friends; it was selfish of me. Sometimes, I think I need to grow up a bit more and take more responsibility for my actions. Nevertheless, I still need and receive a lot of support,not just physical because of my disability, but I have a wonderful therapist, a kind (although not terribly effective) Social Worker and a Support Worker who comes in twice a week for four hours to take me my numerous hospital and doctor’s appointments and other necessary trips out.. My wheelchair fits into her adapted car). So, I have to think to myself, I am more fortunate than very many in this world and therefore I should be and indeed I am, very grateful.
I know I have a lot to contend with but I refuse to let this life beat me. I just refuse, point-blank refuse! I may have very serious problems but as much pain as I am in, both physically and emotionally, to say nothing of having to endure BPD and DDNOS as well, this life will not beat me! We can get through this mess together.
Essentially Ellie 