I posted a very desperate post this morning. I have calmed down a bit now and am beginning to ‘pull myself together’, for want of a better expression. The relatives I mentioned in that post were actually very much closer to me than I made them sound and it still affects me badly, every day (but I’m still not at liberty to say which relatives they were). I still love them both to bits but now don’t have any contact with them at all (their decision and choice, not mine).
I’ve been through a hell of a lot in my life (as have many of you) but today has been particularly difficult especially as it coincided with the anniversary of my friend’s death (she died suddenly at the age of 53 – she was beautiful, inside and out). It’s been five years since I lost her.
I was so upset this morning and I said that I wanted to take a load of pills (and it wouldn’t have been the first time), but instead of that, i rang my therapist and we talked which helped. I also rang my Social Worker who came over this afternoon. I was very blessed that they were both able to give me some of their valuable time.
I’m sorry if I worried any of my friends; it was selfish of me. Sometimes, I think I need to grow up a bit more and take more responsibility for my actions. Nevertheless, I still need and receive a lot of support,not just physical because of my disability, but I have a wonderful therapist, a kind (although not terribly effective) Social Worker and a Support Worker who comes in twice a week for four hours to take me my numerous hospital and doctor’s appointments and other necessary trips out.. My wheelchair fits into her adapted car). So, I have to think to myself, I am more fortunate than very many in this world and therefore I should be and indeed I am, very grateful.
I know I have a lot to contend with but I refuse to let this life beat me. I just refuse, point-blank refuse! I may have very serious problems but as much pain as I am in, both physically and emotionally, to say nothing of having to endure BPD and DDNOS as well, this life will not beat me! We can get through this mess together.
Essentially Ellie 
I’m sorry I haven’t had much contact with you lately and that I haven responded to your blog posts, but I do read every one of them. I just wanted to say today that I am so proud of you! You reached out for help. You called your therapist & your social worker instead of taking the pills that you wanted to. That is really a big deal! That is a sign that you are better able to recognize when you need help and rather than acting impulsively , you seek out support! I’m really proud of you & I miss our chats ❤
Hi Jen. Thank you so much for what you have said. It means an awful lot to me and it’s friends like you who give me the courage to carry on sometimes. We must keep in touch more often. Hugs xxx ❤
Hey Ellie! Its been a while since I posted and I was on. I was going through a really dark period in my life and I had stopped posting watched a whole series of project runway went out with a lot of my friends and I felt so much better. Perhaps you might want to take what I call a nothing day where you just do everything that you love in 24 hours.
Hi there! I’m sorry you’ve had a tough time but glad that you better now. A ‘nothing day’ sounds like a really great idea! If I get the chance, I will definitely try that – thanks for suggesting it. I hope you stay well and keep fighting off that dark. Do stay in touch xxx 🙂
I definitely will. Its good to have you here as well! Its like someone is here too and like walking beside me. I’m sorry you lost a friend though. I can’t say I know what that feels like. However I have very few friends and I hold them very close to my heart. Please take care 😀
I will be glad to walk beside you xxx 😀
I think you have made a breakthrough here in your second post Ellie. I’ve read the first – and even if I would have wanted to comment, there were no words.
I’m glad that you realized that there are supportive people in your “real time” (as opposed to the cyber world) that can be of service to you, especially when you have a major triggering moment. This is a really big step in helping yourself in “real- time.”
And, for what I’m about to write next Ellie, I apologize if it hurts or adds to your pain. This is not my intention.
The TRUTH Ellie, whether you accept it or not, is that YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR NOT RECOGNIZING THAT A CLOSE RELATIVE WAS ALSO BEING ABUSED. And, no, I’m not shouting – but rather can’t think of any other way to emphasize this.
In hindsight – however near or far it may be – when you are mired in your own personal problems of the highest order, we can’t always see what’s happening to others, even if the signs are “visible.” And sometimes we don’t have the strength or courage or ability to help – because our own secrets and fears hold us back. I think the important thing to understand and realize is this: YOUR TRAUMAS ARE YOURS – AND YOURS ALONE. You can empathize and understand and be compassionate – BUT – YOU CAN’T SHOULDER THE BURDEN OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHERS. NOR SHOULD YOU BLAME YOURSELF.
We live in a world where it’s only very recently that “abuse” has become an issue that is no longer as cloaked in silence as it once was. Still, there is a very long way to go – and the only way you can truly help others – is by helping and healing yourself – first.
You need to accept the facts of what is the situation with your relative who has been abused as well – for what it is – you are not responsible for it – NOR are you “that” victim. This may be an extremely painful reality to accept and deal with – but it truly is not your “damage” you heal. You may share the feelings etc. but by blaming yourself and accepting the responsibility that is not yours, it seems to me you only make it harder on yourself to move forwards in your own life.
As I’ve said – I don’t mean to sound harsh or critical – for I’m not judging you in any way – as for my thoughts – they are mine – what you choose to do with them – accept, think, respond, reject, etc. is up to you. I’m no Guru or healing master – we all share commonalities, but each is still and individual.
I truly am glad that you found a healthier and saner way to get through your crisis – and I pray that you will continue to find peace, and love in your life, one moment, step and breath at a time.
Wow! Thank you so much, Patricia, for giving my situation so much time and thought. I have read every word and understand and very much appreciate what you have said. You haven’t upset me at all. Sometimes the truth hurts but I have to accept that and move on which is what I am aiming to do. No doubt, there will be relapses but I intend to keep ‘at it’. Thank you so much for your encouragement. Bless you xxx
Sometimes “tough love” is the best kind – and although we are “strangers” and we share commonalities Ellie, I DO appreciate the differences in our situations.
What I’ve come to appreciate about “recovery and healing” is that I’d rather hear an honest opinion or thought and think about it, even if I find difficult to initially digest, then some “pollyanna” response that offers little by way of trying to see beyond the thoughts and in this case, the words written in pain, fear, hurt, despair and loathing.
I am truly glad that you have found some seed of strength and courage in what I wrote to you – it was heartfelt – for I so truly *WISH and PRAY* that you continue to heal —- I *know* you are a wonderful person with such great gifts that you can share with the world Ellie.
Hi, I just found your blog and followed. I can already tell I’m going to love being here and connecting with all of you. I’ve been through some traumas too, and can relate on many things. I am happy to hear that you are better than your previous post.
Hugs!!
Hi there and a very warm welcome! Thanks for your kind words. Hugs too, Ellie xx 🙂