I feel a real hypocrite writing this blog after my last post but I’ve been up all night with no sleep and just need to get this off my chest.
Today, my carer took me down to see my Mum (a rare happening because of distance). I worry about her as she’s not in the best of health and can’t get out much. I only get the opportunity to see her every six months or so. So we left early in the morning and drove the hour and a half it took to get there. Its the same house that i grew up in; the same house that my dad abused and raped me in all of my childhood. We drew up outside and I just couldn’t bring myself to go in so waited in the car while my carer, H went and got Mum as we were taking her out to eat. Mum’s never believed me about dad so she didn’t/wouldn’t understand why I wouldn’t go in.
My dad has died now and she’s lives there alone but the house hasn’t changed, or the road it’s in. It looked as foreboding as it was back then and I was being attacked by panic and flashbacks while I was on my own, sitting outside, waiting for H and Mum. That house…Mum’s house; Dad’s house; Mum and dad’s house which was Mummy and Daddy’s house. I felt vulnerable although logically knew I was perfectly safe now but that didn’t help. That house!
photo credit: shutterstock.com
Eventually, they appeared at the front door and came down the steps to reach the car. I took a deep breath and told myself to ‘pull myself together’, knowing full well that I couldn’t, not inside of me at least. My stomach doing somersaults and images, sounds, feelings attacking my heart and soul. Nevertheless, I got through it and greeted Mum cheerfully. She was pleased to see me and added that I looked too thin (as usual).
We drove off much to my relief and went to a little local bistro we’d been to before, to have lunch. I’d calmed down a bit by then. Nice place. We sat eating lunch, which was good, and drinking coffee and just talking for hours. It was a pleasant few hours apart from the fact that every now and then, the subject of my father came up and I was away; off; back in time; back at that time. I shuddered and tried to get myself back into the present. I used techniques my therapist had taught me and managed to maintain a calm exterior while my insides had gone to jelly.
We left to go and drop my Mum back at that house and on the way back from there, we went right past the top of road where my teacher lived who had abused me so appallingly when I went for private ‘lessons’ twice a week.Triggers were everywhere! Suddenly, I was being attacked just as I’d let my guard down a little and I finally broke down with just H and I in the car. She knew. I knew she knew but she was so tied up with her own relationship problems that she was of little help.
So, there was me, on my own inside my head, trying to deal with this ‘stuff’. I tried diversionary tactics, I counted the trees; I followed the sat. nav. even though I wasn’t driving the car; I counted backwards in twos etc. and eventually made it back home, much to my relief.
H helped me into my PJs and I should have gone to bed but my mind was still buzzing with the day’s activities, thoughts and emotions. I started to write this. I kept going off to ‘la-la land’ and eventually with much spacing out and nil on the sleep scale, I arrived here at daybreak. Shattered, exhausted, vulnerable still, mouth tasting stale from too much coffee and not enough toothpaste.
My morning carer will be here in about half an hour, breezing in as usual when all I want to do now I ‘breeze’ my way up to bed. Bit late (or early) for that! I have a busy day today and I’m all behind with emails so sorry friends but I will reply asap.
Anyway, here I am, having survived which is exactly what i keep intended to do and will do so despite the odds. So thanks for keeping me company in the small, dark hours. Another day.
Essentially Ellie 