I feel a real hypocrite writing this blog after my last post but I’ve been up all night with no sleep and just need to get this off my chest.
Today, my carer took me down to see my Mum (a rare happening because of distance). I worry about her as she’s not in the best of health and can’t get out much. I only get the opportunity to see her every six months or so. So we left early in the morning and drove the hour and a half it took to get there. Its the same house that i grew up in; the same house that my dad abused and raped me in all of my childhood. We drew up outside and I just couldn’t bring myself to go in so waited in the car while my carer, H went and got Mum as we were taking her out to eat. Mum’s never believed me about dad so she didn’t/wouldn’t understand why I wouldn’t go in.
My dad has died now and she’s lives there alone but the house hasn’t changed, or the road it’s in. It looked as foreboding as it was back then and I was being attacked by panic and flashbacks while I was on my own, sitting outside, waiting for H and Mum. That house…Mum’s house; Dad’s house; Mum and dad’s house which was Mummy and Daddy’s house. I felt vulnerable although logically knew I was perfectly safe now but that didn’t help. That house!
photo credit: shutterstock.com
Eventually, they appeared at the front door and came down the steps to reach the car. I took a deep breath and told myself to ‘pull myself together’, knowing full well that I couldn’t, not inside of me at least. My stomach doing somersaults and images, sounds, feelings attacking my heart and soul. Nevertheless, I got through it and greeted Mum cheerfully. She was pleased to see me and added that I looked too thin (as usual).
We drove off much to my relief and went to a little local bistro we’d been to before, to have lunch. I’d calmed down a bit by then. Nice place. We sat eating lunch, which was good, and drinking coffee and just talking for hours. It was a pleasant few hours apart from the fact that every now and then, the subject of my father came up and I was away; off; back in time; back at that time. I shuddered and tried to get myself back into the present. I used techniques my therapist had taught me and managed to maintain a calm exterior while my insides had gone to jelly.
We left to go and drop my Mum back at that house and on the way back from there, we went right past the top of road where my teacher lived who had abused me so appallingly when I went for private ‘lessons’ twice a week.Triggers were everywhere! Suddenly, I was being attacked just as I’d let my guard down a little and I finally broke down with just H and I in the car. She knew. I knew she knew but she was so tied up with her own relationship problems that she was of little help.
So, there was me, on my own inside my head, trying to deal with this ‘stuff’. I tried diversionary tactics, I counted the trees; I followed the sat. nav. even though I wasn’t driving the car; I counted backwards in twos etc. and eventually made it back home, much to my relief.
H helped me into my PJs and I should have gone to bed but my mind was still buzzing with the day’s activities, thoughts and emotions. I started to write this. I kept going off to ‘la-la land’ and eventually with much spacing out and nil on the sleep scale, I arrived here at daybreak. Shattered, exhausted, vulnerable still, mouth tasting stale from too much coffee and not enough toothpaste.
My morning carer will be here in about half an hour, breezing in as usual when all I want to do now I ‘breeze’ my way up to bed. Bit late (or early) for that! I have a busy day today and I’m all behind with emails so sorry friends but I will reply asap.
Anyway, here I am, having survived which is exactly what i keep intended to do and will do so despite the odds. So thanks for keeping me company in the small, dark hours. Another day.
10 thoughts on “GOING BACK THERE”
Ugh I’m sorry you had all those triggers!!! I’m a mess talking to anyone from my past, let alone driving on the streets and seeing the houses! Sounds like you did a phenomenal job of using your coping skills though!! Hugs xx
Thanks for understanding so well. I thought I’d handled it all quite well until this morning. Now I’m dissolving into melted jelly especially with the mass stress that I’m under after yesterday and now with workman around etc. I just can’t cope with it all now the building work has started (repair of house). Too many men about, in and out the house with no privacy. That’ll all be in my next post. I’ve had it ‘right up to there’ at this moment and not coping very well. Hugs too xxx 😦
I hope you can get some sleep. You are very brave and loving to be willing to confront all those triggers just to visit her. Sounds to me like you handled it very well to accomplish your primary purpose..checking in with mom. Is there anything you can plan for the next time you go that will allow you to sleep that night? Cyber-hugs to you this morning,.
Thank you, Revgerry for taking the time to leave me a message.Unfortunately, everytime I go to Mum’s with my carer, we have to go to the house to collect Mum as she is has lost her confidence to go out and meet us elsewhere (and she has no friends to help). Also the only way to reach Mum’s house is by going past that teacher’s road. I would do anything for my Mum so no doubt will just have to get used to it. I’m so exhausted now though, I can’t think straight. Thank you for caring and for your cyber-hugs which are much appreciated xxx
Ellie, you are so very brave. I we admire yous. Stay strong and keep fighting the good fight…we know you can do it! Getting nill sleep is not fun huh? I hate that! Much love to you hon and xo
Thanks, Carol anne, for all your understanding and support. I slept better last night, thank goodness! Hugs too, Ellie xxx
Wow. Your blog is so inspiring and comforting to those of us with turbulent pasts. I’m so impressed and inspired by your ability to take care of yourself in the face of such traumatic memories and flashbacks. I’ve never been back to the places that hold those for me… I can’t imagine the bravery and composure it takes to battle through those emotions. Your strength is a beacon of hope for all of us. Thank you for sharing. Much Love ❤
Thank you so much for your kind words, Madilcarr. They mean a lot to me. I really feel that it’s my friends here in our blogging community that keep me going. I can’t imagine how I’d cope without all of your support and encouragement.Take care. Hugs, Ellie xxx
Thinking of you Ellie. Be strong and keep well. Sleep. Eat and rest.
Thanks, Patricia. Good advice – thanks xxx