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I went to therapy this morning. I’m still dealing with the aftermath that my last counsellor, ‘J’ did to me for eight years, My current therapist, ‘T’ suggested a write an unsent letter to her because I am so angry and need to get it out somehow because it is poisoning me.
I can’t believe that she did so much harm and damage in hindsight, and yet she is still practicing privately and potentially harming other vulnerable people. I loved J even more than my own Mum and that’s not right for a start. It was because she would cuddle me, hold my hand when I was upset and we always had a long hug hello and goodbye.
In between those three days a week (which is also wrong in counseling), we used to text each other and there were phone calls, cards and presents! Not good, I know now. She made me totally dependant on her. I dropped all my friends, hardly spoke to my family and couldn’t sneeze without her permission!!
It became a very codependent relationship (also wrong) where she needed me as much as I needed her. She told me about her private life and that was sexually abused as a child too. I think now, that she was trying to work through her own issues through me.
I saw her for an hour three days every week and was getting into debt, paying for it, to say nothing of the taxi fare there and back as my disability was beginning to worsen at that time and there was no other way I could get there. I worked out that I spent more than £30,000 going there over those years!!! That was all my Disability Benefit gone every week, plus skipping out on a lot of food and then becoming anorexic, plus I had to work part-time to make up the money, and was trying to raise two children at the same time. No wonder I have two very dysfunctional adult children who won’t have anything to do with me, thereby depriving me of seeing my three granddaughters.
I don’t yet know how much physical damage I’ve done to my body because of all those pills. Personally, I think they damaged my nerve ending in my spine and other places, thereby causing my disability. I can’t be sure of course, I’m just taking a partly-educated guess. I don’t yet know what toll all that has taken oN my other organs, i.e., my liver, heart and kidneys.
J STOLE EIGHT YEARS OF MY LIFE; WOULDN’T ALLOW ME TO ‘MOVE ON’, AND I VERY NEARLY ENDED MY LIFE AND THEN WOULDN’T BE HERE TO WRITE THIS TODAY.
I GOING TO STOP HERE BECAUSE I AM TOO ANGRY TO WRITE ANY MORE AND I COULD GO ON FOR A LOT LONGER BUT THAT WOULD BECOME DEADLY BORING FOR YOU TO READ, (IF YOU GET THIS FAR) AND I THANK YOU HAVE STUCK IT OUT TILL THE END). (I AM EXHAUSTED NOW).
Essentially Ellie 