Why do I do it? Why in the hell do I do it? What do I just go and stick my big foot in it again?
I’m angry with myself and upset and cross and all because I said the wrong thing….Why didn’t I say the right thing? I’m always doing it and I hate myself for it.
I phoned my mum and my sister, a while ago, today. Mum was busy washing her hair so I spoke to my sister J. Well, when I say ‘spoke to‘, I think ‘spoke at‘ would be a more apt phrase! I did it again….I talked too much because I was on a BPD high at the time. I talked about me. I talked about my day. I talked about what I had for lunch. I talked about my blog. I talked about my book….I even read two of the articles from it, out loud, I just talked about me! I didn’t think at the time to ask how she was, how her family back home was, had she spoken to them yet today, what did her and mum have for lunch? How was mum etc, etc, etc. I talked non-stop until J interrupted by saying,”we’re going round to see cousin R now so I can’t talk anymore. Have a good rest of the day…lots of love…byeeeeeee”! Bang! Gone!
As soon as the phone went down, I realised what I’d done and promptly burst into tears. “I’ve f**ked up again”! “I’m so selfish”. I should have asked more and said less. I hate myself. My sister doesn’t love me anymore! Mum’s angry with me for holding them up! She won’t love me anymore either. Everybody hates me. Why can’t I do anything right I’m useless, I’m selfish, I’m fat! This is my head! I feel rejected, abandoned, lost, scared, angry with myself for being so selfish.
Suddenly I’ve dipped into a BPD hole in the ground. It’s dark, cold, muddy, empty apart from me, I’m scared. I’m lost in my own world. Why am I writing this? Who the hell wants to read my rubbish, my rant. I just needed to get it out. The alternative would be harming myself in some way.
I’m sorry you’ve had to read this garbage….just delete it please. x 😦
Essentially Ellie 