Why do I do it? Why in the hell do I do it? What do I just go and stick my big foot in it again?
I’m angry with myself and upset and cross and all because I said the wrong thing….Why didn’t I say the right thing? I’m always doing it and I hate myself for it.
I phoned my mum and my sister, a while ago, today. Mum was busy washing her hair so I spoke to my sister J. Well, when I say ‘spoke to‘, I think ‘spoke at‘ would be a more apt phrase! I did it again….I talked too much because I was on a BPD high at the time. I talked about me. I talked about my day. I talked about what I had for lunch. I talked about my blog. I talked about my book….I even read two of the articles from it, out loud, I just talked about me! I didn’t think at the time to ask how she was, how her family back home was, had she spoken to them yet today, what did her and mum have for lunch? How was mum etc, etc, etc. I talked non-stop until J interrupted by saying,”we’re going round to see cousin R now so I can’t talk anymore. Have a good rest of the day…lots of love…byeeeeeee”! Bang! Gone!
As soon as the phone went down, I realised what I’d done and promptly burst into tears. “I’ve f**ked up again”! “I’m so selfish”. I should have asked more and said less. I hate myself. My sister doesn’t love me anymore! Mum’s angry with me for holding them up! She won’t love me anymore either. Everybody hates me. Why can’t I do anything right I’m useless, I’m selfish, I’m fat! This is my head! I feel rejected, abandoned, lost, scared, angry with myself for being so selfish.
Suddenly I’ve dipped into a BPD hole in the ground. It’s dark, cold, muddy, empty apart from me, I’m scared. I’m lost in my own world. Why am I writing this? Who the hell wants to read my rubbish, my rant. I just needed to get it out. The alternative would be harming myself in some way.
I’m sorry you’ve had to read this garbage….just delete it please. x 😦
Essentially Ellie 
i also do this. always have. it makes me hate myself. luckily the people close to me in my life understand and i’d expect that the loving relationship between you and your mum and sister will be the same. i am sure they know that when things are ok it seems exciting and you need to say everything! just as they know that when you aren’t doing well you will withdraw. your sister didn’t tell you to shut up. she didn’t tell you you were being annoying or talking nonsense. she let you speak. probably because she loves you and tries to understand how your brain works. try to be kind to yourself. it is extremely hard to stop this BPD brain of ours from trying to sabotage and nitpick everything we do and say. i hope this helps and you don’t spiral further x
Thank you so much for understanding and caring enough to comment. It helps to know I’m not alone in behaving this way. I sent my sister a message saying I was really, really sorry for talking so much and she sent one back telling me she loved me! You are right – she did understand – it’s so difficult to make yourself think that when you’re spiralling downwards. I’ve calmed down a bit now, thank you (although I still feel guilty) but better than before. Thanks again. Ellie xx
It sounds like a hard thing to come to terms with- the wanting to share and then the crash after.
I wondered as I was reading it, if this happens to you on a regular basis, would it help to have ‘ask questions’ written somewhere that you will see when you phone?
It is a good thing that you wrote instead of harming. The other thing that occurs to me is- could you call another day and say ‘I realised when I put the phone down that I’d spoken a lot and I really wanted to know how you are- how are you?’ That would help to even things out and they would hear that you realised that the call could have been more even 🙂
It doesn’t always happen that I talk too much. Sometimes when I’m low, it’s difficult to get much out of me at all on the phone. Your ‘Ask Questions’ idea is a useful one thank you. I will try that and make sure I have it by the phone when I’m feeling too ‘bubbling’ on the surface. And yes, I will call my sister again later and explain briefly, then ask her lots about her day etc 🙂
That sounds like a good plan 🙂
I think it just can’t be easy, especially when you’re on a BPD high, as you stated it. A nasty spiral leading to the depths of self-hate and loathing, but fortunately, it sounds like your sister understood the energies you were projecting – and as you’ve commented to others, told you “no problems, I get it, I love you.”
Ellie, sometimes, in our “weakest” moments, we reach out in anxiety and fear, a nervousness that underscores our deeply rooted pain and need for acceptance, love and approval from others. And yes, we feel like complete idiots and selfish sh*ts for it – but everyone does this, at some point of other, in their lives, even if they haven’t suffered traumas and abuses, as we have done.
And it’s okay —- those who truly love you – just as you are —- will still love you.
And maybe, as I’ve been sitting here thinking about your post – this is a key issue for us — because BPD aside, and no, I’m not undermining it, I think at the core, it’s our loneliness and fear of rejection that makes us feel selfish about our “weak moments.” Maybe if we were able to trust, safely trust and know our intuitions more, we would find it less difficult to seek out friends that were supportive. Sometimes I think part of “our problem” lies in our deep sense of isolation, loneliness and desperation. And this, it seems to me, is a hard thing to accept about ourselves.
I hope you’re feeling better and that things are smooth and well with you, your sister, and your Mum.
Dearest Patricia….you understand me so well, as if you’ve been under my skin. I can totally relate to everything you have said and it all makes so much sense to me. You have knowledge and wisdom in your mind that I find helpful,interesting and fascinating. My sister did understand when I next spoke to her, as does my mum and your reply makes so much sense when I think about it.
I’m feeling brighter now although my day is tinged by a little sadness as my sister flies back to Australia today and I will miss her as it will some years until I see her again. Thank you for caring xxx ❤