It’s so very hard to say goodbye, or at least ‘au revoir’ to your own offspring. My children have broken my heart and continue to do so despite everything. I’ve not heard from either of them since ‘The Reunion’ despite leaving a loving but undemanding message on my daughter’s ansafone. I don’t have a number for my son so can’t contact him! This has been going on for years and years and I don’t know how much more heartache I can take.
I’m considering an option my therapist put to me….to mentally say au revoir to them both for the time being until/if they ever come round to caring about me. Or maybe I have to wait till my grandchildren are old enough to want to come and find me. In the meantime, I have to concentrate on building a life for myself which unfortunately doesn’t include them. But it’s so hard to let go, to give up the hope, cut the umbilical cord and say goodbye (at least for the foreseeable future). There’s nothing left to try anymore. They have me beaten. I don’t want to wave them goodbye knowing they won’t even be waving back.
I’ve even had to take their photographs down and put them carefully away because it just hurt’s too much to see them. I have started keeping three ‘memory books’, one each for my grandchildren and I write nice things, also what I’ve been doing, that I’m thinking of them, that I never stopped loving them. I find pictures that I think they’ll like, considering them one by one carefully. I wish I knew what they were interested in, what they’re ‘into’ etc, especially my eight and five-year old. Sadly I don’t know my little S, who’s one and a half, at all so have no idea what she likes so just have to choose age-appropriate ideas. I hope and pray that one day, they will want to come and find me, that one day they’ll question their parents, my children, and ask why they don’t see me.
What makes me really sad is that they don’t have anything to do with my Mum either and she so longs to meet her great-grandchildren but she’s 84 and none of us know how much longer she’ll be with us. Hopefully, she’ll still be here in 5-10 years time but who knows when our time is going to be up? But it will be too late for her and that is so, so awful.
This song is about a couple saying goodbye but I’ve added it here because the emotions are the same when you try to say goodbye to your own children. And I will always love them. There will always be a huge place in my heart for them. I will forgive them for hurting me if they come back. I will always love you, T and C xxx
Essentially Ellie 
I’m so sorry Ellie for you having to do this. But it is necessary for your sanity. Hopefully in time your grandkids will come find you. And then you’ll be able to give them the books and show them you always cared about them. XXX
Thank you so much for understanding and for your comment. I keep turning this situation over and over in my mind, wondering if I’ve made the right decision but I know that I have no other choice. It causes me a great deal of pain. Thanks for caring xxx
Ellie —- you mentioned in your post that your children “have you beaten.”
Actually, despite the terrible pain you feel, you have “won” —- you have and will claim the right to your life. On your terms.
By making and taking this critically important decision, you will, with time, as you settle into it, feel better and lighter. It may not seem so at the time, but it will – trust me. I *know.*
And, what you have to consider is this: you can’t project your hurt, despair and pain, and deepest wishes on others, even your children. Whatever happens in the future, is *their* problem and fall out. We all have lessons to learn in this life —- forgiveness and being able to move forwards is crucial.
You are correct in knowing that it isn’t fair for your grandchildren to pay a price – as chosen and determined by your children, rightly or wrongly so – but in accepting your children’s decisions, you “reclaim” your power. And the fact that you make something positive from it – by creating these lovely treasures, is wonderful.
Hold onto this – and stay strong; the pain of letting go and coming clean and to terms with it may feel like your heart and soul are being ripped from you – but honestly, it will release you from the demands that have been placed on you by others, in this case, your children.
I’m going to share a link here with you – for a post from another blogger I follow. It’s not long – quick read, but there is something crucial in it that I think you might find a source of comfort and understanding.
Hugs Ellie.
here is the link: http://sustainabilitea.wordpress.com/2014/07/03/compost-your-past/
just copy and paste it in a new tab/window in your browser 🙂
Pat…I can’t thank you enough….you never cease to amaze me with your level of understanding of my words. You always have good advice and comments to give me and, yes, I do believe, indeed, that you *know* how I feel.
I read the link you attached and it took me a few moments to ‘understand’ it but once I did, I realized how profound this ‘composting’ idea is. I will spend time and thought in mulling this over, letting the idea settle in my mind and learning to incorporate it into my daily thoughts and living.
I will continue to keep these scrapbooks for the little ones and think of, and write in a positive way so that any negativity is not projected onto them.
Forgiveness…. yes, it does set you free as I learned when I finally forgave my father for abusing me, not long before he died. I know that is slightly different as my father is no longer on the planet whereas my children will continue to live their lives ‘their’ way and I need to learn to accept this,
I understand the positivity in ‘composting’ and yes, find this a comfort and that it could bring about a change in my deepest thinking on this whole process. Once again, thanks so much, Pat.
Hugs, Ellie xxx 🙂 ❤
Ellie —- hugs back to you.
And thank you for the generous compliments and comments.
This entire “event” is a process — a healing process that we all must undergo — and it is always my sincerest and honest intentions to try to share and help others – by doing so, we all learn and exchange and empathize and offer compassion and deeper understanding of ourselves and others, no matter what the “detailed differences” may be. Of course, we may be at different stages of our journeys, but perhaps ideas and thoughts offered may help at some point.
I’m glad that the “composting” idea struck a chord with you Ellie — it did with me as well. Indeed, it is a “gift” to be shared, and reflected upon, as we move through this journey.
Hugs to you Ellie, and I wish and hope you can continue to work through your journey with much light, love and peace. 🙂
Pat