My impulsivity is really bad today and was yesterday but I can’t seem to get it under control. Yesterday, I emailed my son and daughter-in-law for the second time this week pleading to have some contact with my beautiful, one-and-a-half year old granddaughter who doesn’t even know I exist. Then, on the spur of the moment, I phoned both my son and my daughter-in-law and my daughter (all who are absent in my life). It was a nice message, chatty and friendly but begging to see my grandchildren (again). None of them picked up the phone so I just had to leave messages.Today, I received a short, sharp and unpleasant email consisting of one line from my d-i-l and I very obviously am not going to be given the opportunity to meet that little one.That hurts. It really does hurt.
Then I found this image on Facebook which just fitted how I felt and I impulsively put it on my FB Timeline:
Of course, I was referring to access to my grandchildren (again). Then I panicked in case any of my family saw it and quickly deleted it and hope there was no harm done.
Today, I know I’ve been a real nuisance; phoning my neighbour and cracking a joke (I never do that!!); phoning my mum in the middle of the day when I usually phone in the evening, just to check in with her, and I know she isn’t out anywhere today but she didn’t answer (obviously not a good time to phone). I’ve ordered three pairs of jeans, two Kindle books which I’ll never find time to read (but they sounded good!), two CDs when I’ve got stacks already, yet I choose to play the same one on repeat for about three weeks running before I change it! Plus more purchases (mostly unnecessary) when I’m in debt already!
I am jumpy, trying to do too many things at once because I can’t decide whether ‘this’ is more important than ‘that’ and I want to do both now! I’m trying hard not to impulsively eat everything in the fridge (just because I fancy ‘something nice’). And now I’ve written this and know I won’t be able to not press the publish button I feel I’ve got to. Stop the world, I wanna get off!
HELP!!!
Essentially Ellie 
It seems you had a day very similar to my days. You are not alone in wanting to get off this ride. Me too
Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry you feel like that too sometimes. Please know you’re not alone either and I hope you have a better day today, and I’m hoping I will too x
I know what this feels like, and I’m sorry you’re going through it 😦 I hope you’re able to step out of it soon. Hugs xx
Thanks for understanding. I’m sorry you feel like this sometimes too 😦 I’m still struggling with it today but these phases doesn’t usually last long or happen too often tho’ often enough, if you know what I mean. Hugs, Ellie xxx
It royally sucks when we start riding at whirlwind speeds into impulsive, “destructive” behaviours.
I can so understand this – I’m feeling it too – must be something in the stars – but am trying to keep an extra tight reign on myself lest I then completely crash.
Funny thing struck me Ellie — and of course, I mean this in the most caring of ways — you found something of value and importance to you – you post it on you FB page — and then hurry to remove it, lest *YOU*be judged.
You *do* realize that you have *already* been judged and condemned by your family? (Not that I’m saying they are right or anything.) So why are you still pandering to *them?*
It seems to be you should look within and take a stance – decide for the best – even as it breaks your heart – and I do understand that Ellie – because honestly, you – YOU – are worth the truth of your feelings and values.
Be well my friend.
Hugs (((((Ellie))))))
Pat
Thanks for your helpful and caring comments, as always. How strange you feel the compulsion to ‘buy’ but, well done you for keeping it under control..
Yes, I have been condemned by my family but it’s so hard to give up those hopes and longings, not so much for my children (I realize they are adults and have opinions of their own). With my grandchildren, I feel I would be letting them down if I didn’t ‘fight’ fr my relationship with them – they are children and not being allowed to form their own feelings about me without them being tainted by my children. It’s so hard to let go of fighting for them although I know I am losing them and that is breaking my heart.
I have built a life for myself around ‘not’ having contact with them and that breaks my heart too so I guess I would having nothing to lose by stepping back other than *guilt* for not fighting for my little ones 😦 .
I’ve always found it difficult to think ‘good’ of myself or give myself any value (low self-esteem) and I need to do more work in therapy on that one.
Hugs too, Pat,
Ellie xxxx
Actually Ellie, it shouldn’t seem strange to fight the compulsion to “buy” — those of us who have been so damaged, for so long, by so many (my, there are many “so”s there) often try to fill the void and burning hole in us, by filling it with objects we think will help ease the pain; sometimes it can be good things, but when the pain is winning the battle, and one decides to look for more destructive things, like alcohol or drugs or what have you, then it’s a tougher fight.
I am no different.
Self-esteem — the “bane” of our existences — because we swing like pendulums – up down sideways back and forth. It’s hard to find the balance – because we have been told, repeatedly, that we are “to blame” that we are the “bad” ones etc. A lifetime of hearing that, even if in our deepest spirits we don’t believe it, is hard to “put back into its rightful place – the garbage.” So, yes, we keep working on it – making the effort is what counts, and we should celebrate our triumphs.
You’re right Ellie – your grandchildren should have the right to make up their own minds – although it seems they are a bit young – and I can understand how you feel it is terribly unfair for them to be subjected to their parents’ perspectives, and ultimately, at this time, these decisions.
I wish I had words that could alleviate your pain and guilt, but I don’t. Sometimes, in order to heal, we have to make some damn tough choices.
Hugs to you Ellie (((((Ellie))))))
Oh wow, do I relate. We can be very impulsive also. Its hard, really f-ing hard! I’m sorry your dil was so rude to you! There really is no need for that. I love shopping, but I can relate to buying frivilously. XX
Impulsivity is what gets me into trouble more than anything else! I really need to get my spending under control – I know that but stopping it is easier said than done, isn’t it? When I get my bank statement, I cringe before I open it and that I delay for days sometimes xxx