the darkness

What do I write when I suddenly feel so dark inside;
when a veil has been drawn over my face
so no-one outside of me really knows how I feel?
And no-one seems to want to know.
“She’s just in one of her ‘funny’ moods today”, they comment,
not seeing the tremendous pain I am in.

Everything is black. I can see no light and yet,
yesterday my life was bursting with love and joy
and I was on top of the world. Then suddenly,
I find myself plummeting headlong, back into the abyss.
The sun may be shining outside but I have my eyes closed
because I cannot bear the pain of opening them.

Today, I cannot see the sun, nor the moon or the stars
I want to hurt myself to feel the physical pain
because the emotional pain inside is just too much to bear.
I’d would die for the want of a hug, yet
I don’t want you to touch me
Just in case I am contagious. 

6 thoughts on “CONTAGIOUS?

  1. I hope its ok to give you a virtual hug. I dont think your contagious. I think thats a message drummed into you as a young child. And it just never left your thinking. I see you and I hear you and I know how much pain your in. XX

  2. This actually brought tears to my eyes. I used to be a very hardcore self-harmer. I was hospitalized for a time & I felt exactly like what you wrote. I read your bio & it looks very similar to my story but i haven’t put it all out there yet. I’m new to WP. If you are interested in a new friend I’m down:)

  3. Sending you healing thoughts, energy and gentle hugs ((((((((Ellie)))))))

    Sometimes it’s like that — on top then below rock bottom; I’m beginning to think that maybe we allow ourselves to plummet because sometimes we feel guilty for giving ourselves permission to be happy, free, spontaneous and engaged in life. Of course, there are so many factors that influence and play into all of this – much more than I have simplified here — but, yes, I’m beginning to feel that my little thought there might hold some meaning – at least in my case.

    Be well and try to find some healing light and hope.

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