Well……..This isn’t poetry or anything cleverly or attractively worded! This isn’t about my past experiences. This is a rant and about me feeling so p*ssed off!
I’ve just spoken to my sister who tells me that my daughter *Claire* doesn’t want anything to do with me because…. a) I have mental health problems, b) I am disabled, and c) because I choose to have a decorative cross on my living room wall, (pictured here), thereby ‘stating‘ I am a Christian!!
All this time, she’s been making excuses not to come and see with my two young granddaughters and now I found out it’s all about discrimination or being ‘different’! I am fuming…..I am so f#*$ing angry! (And yes, I know that’s not a very Christian word to say and that I should forgive her but at the moment I am hurting too much). She is basically ashamed of me and would rather not have anything to do with me or for me to be her Mum!! She objects because she doesn’t want her children to be aware of such differences! That’s not what I taught her when she was young so where did that come from?! Children needed to be educated about ‘differences’ in people, be it class, race, sexuality, faith, disability….whatever; not being taught how to be prejudiced and discriminatory. How would it go down, I wonder, if I purchased a copy of this book and sent it to her:
…….Not too well, I should imagine!! And perhaps I should send a copy to my son, *Tom*, while I’m at it as he shares exactly the same views, hence I don’t see my littlest granddaughter and I doubt I shall ever see the new baby due at Christmas :((
For goodness sake, it takes all sorts to make the world and I always say, providing nobody gets hurt, then ‘each to their own‘ and we should respect other people for who they are, not for what their label is…
If it hadn’t been for my carers coming early and getting me into my pyjamas, I’d have gone out in my wheelchair and bought a bottle of something but I’ve been clean and sober for more than two years now, so that wouldn’t have been too clever. On the other hand, I haven’t coped with this too well as I have self-harmed, cutting my arm for the first time in nearly three years so sh*t, I’m not exactly proud of myself. And if my children knew; well, that would give them more ammunition.
And just to cap it all, it’s my birthday on Wednesday and I very much doubt I’ll get a card, let alone a phone call from either of them. Fortunately, I am meeting a new friend that day, for lunch so will have a lovely time, family or no family.
I don’t have therapy till Tuesday….how do I deal with this amount of rage and anger without doing myself any more damage?!
Essentially Ellie 
I’m so sorry that the “truth” as your children see it – is so painful and petty in spirit towards you. Clearly they have many life lessons to learn about self-respect, empathy and compassion.
I’m glad that you managed to not choose such a destructive path — but I am so sorry that in the moment of overwhelming grief and pain, you did self-harm — even after so much “well time.”
Don’t be ashamed – you slipped up — because clearly your pain reaches into the deepest areas of your being and soul —- I understand, Pain is a release —- self-harming is a sign of release — seeing the blood makes you feel alive – while crushing the emotional crippling and anger and self-loathing. That’s the crazy irony of it, yes?
Ellie, you are stronger than this. By falling into the pattern of self-harm and destruction, you are destroying your beautiful soul. Don’t pander to the pettiness in heart, spirit and mind of your children. You are NOT responsible for their decisions and narrow minds – even if you did your best to teach them otherwise. And somehow, you need to accept this. Instead of blaming yourself in hate and anger – use the deeply felt emotions to empower yourself. If you think it would make you feel better – and perhaps send them a message about YOUR STRENGTH — then by all means, send them each a copy of the book. And let it go. You are the only one that is and can be responsible – for you – and you alone. The same applies to them.
I hope you find some comfort and light Ellie (((((hugs to you)))))))))
Sorry I haven’t replied before, Pat – I’ve been in such a dark place, I wasn’t able to write. I understand everything you are saying and am now just about beginning to crawl out of the blackness. I’m still in a ‘grey’ place but things are slowly picking up as I try to come to terms with what i going on for me. I value your words and your opinion SO much, Pat. You have so much wisdom and understanding.
I am trying to get myself stronger again. I have, not so long ago, emailed my children about how well I was doing at the time, getting out, going to college etc and more but all to no avail. Nevertheless, I am now trying not to let their cruel attitudes bring me too far down. I regret self-harming but what’s done is done and I am trying very hard not to slip back again.
Having BPD affects my state of mind from one minute to the next and I seem to go up and down like a yo-yo which I think is evident in my pattern of writing. Thank you for the many hugs and embraces – I feel and value each one of them, Pat, and knowing someone out there thinks me worthy of hugs means the world to me.
Many {{{{{hugs}}}}} in return to you, Pat xxx ❤
Ellie – absolutely NO need to apologize, for anything. Sometimes, words and answers aren’t possible – and that’s perfectly understandable and acceptable, so don’t feel badly.
I’m on a roller coaster ride myself right now – so, yes, I do get it – and truthfully, don’t feel like talking to anyone – my despair and anger are raging, boiling — but I will deal with it in my way – maybe not the best or healthiest, but it’ll be what it will be.
But I had to reply to your comment – just so you know – it’s all going to be okay Ellie – somehow, some time, in some way. And so, you take very good care of yourself, as best you can – and perhaps, today, we’ll see a little bit of sunshine through our raining tears.
(((((((Ellie))))))
I’m sorry that you are struggling too, Pat. I have faith in knowing we will both get there in some way. Sending you Love, Light, Prayers and {{{Hugs}}} xxx ❤