Following last night’s blog, I am now, this morning, very much, hurting, upset, aching and guilty about what I expressed. I was so aggressive! Where did all that anger come from? It’s not like me to express myself as I did, to rant and rage to that extreme. I am writing this in shame and trying hard to resist the temptation of hitting the Trash button. I am feeling very guilty for ‘attacking’ my own flesh and blood in that way. I am shocked about how I could say such things even though they are the honest truth. But I feel my children have abandoned me. They are totally and openly rejecting me. I have been discarded, like a bag of kitchen rubbish tossed into the bin to rot till someone takes it away and dumps it somewhere….anywhere….on the trash heap.
The weaker side of me so wants to trash last night’s post but the stronger side of me is saying that I have a right to be heard.
Damn it, I cut myself last night…..how do I explain that one when my carers get me washed and dressed and notice the angry, red wounds on my arms? They are aware I have healed scars but never fresh marks. I feel so ashamed. Why the hell did I go and do that yet I barely remember the actions I took in my pain and despair. I am watching the clock and trying to think up excuses before they arrive. I hurt so much, I hurt so badly that I feel physical pain in my body far more than usual; pain in my heart, sick to the stomach.
(My carer has been and gone. She saw my arm. She saw I was upset. I couldn’t hide either. She says she has to report me to the office when she goes back. I feel like a naughty schoolchild about to be sent to be reprimanded by the Headmaster).
Oh God! What a mess! I feel like sh*t inside, yet I know I will go to my new church this morning, full of artificial smiles and joyful exclamations of “Yes, I’m fine, thank you”. I am very, very far from fine.
5 thoughts on “ARTIFICIAL SMILES; (THE TRASH BUTTON)”
Ellie, Why does she need to report you? You are an adult. I mean what are they going to do once she reports it? I’m so sorry things got so bad. I really feel in my heart for you. Sending tons of hugs, xo
x ❤ x
Sometimes Ellie — in the light of day, we wonder and question —- but perhaps, in your actions, which were indeed very dark, you were able to allow yourself permission to express exactly how extreme your feelings are and were.
And you need to stop feeling ashamed – and guilty — for as difficult as it is.
Perhaps you need someone to actually *see* you —- not just the people here in the cyber world – but in your “real time” life —- and if your carer is the one that allows for more help to be offered to you – then is this not a good thing? Unless deep in your heart, you aren’t ready for more —- perhaps out of fear and loathing?
All I’m suggesting to you Ellie, with deep respect and love, is this — you need to recognize that the feelings of abandonment, especially by your children, your flesh and blood —- are real. Honour them. I know it hurts beyond repair — but all of cycling and recycling back on the same issues aren’t helping you love yourself.
I *do* get it Ellie —- and I know, you have to be ready to take the leap, and accept the loneliness and pain, but the freedom is sweet – and divine.
If I may share something personal? Feel free to edit or trash the comment as you wish right?
On June 16th this year, Father’s Day, I “came clean” —- spoke MY truth – to my abuser – you can guess the person, without me actually naming him, although I have no problems with it? And then, his “better” half – yes, she – basically called me every name under the sun, and swore up and down that *I* was sick, crazy, deranged etc. And then, abruptly, wished me a “good life.” End of story. Phone call and line dead. Family. Uh huh.
Thing is, after living with this for about 40 years (I’m 45) – after therapies and the cycles of learning, repeating, losing etc, I finally was ready to say enough – knowing that I would be REJECTED and ABANDONED.
And you know what, it was the most liberating feeling in the world. No more secrets or lies. No more needing to react in certain ways in order to perpetuate a huge untruth and denial of accountability and responsibility on *their* parts.
Did it cut me to the core, even though I was really ready and prepared? Yes. Was I nervous? Yes. Did I hope for a conversation and possible dialogue? Yes. The child – innocent child – I suspect, will always want the unconditional love we never had —- and so we hope against hope — even as we *know* better. I don’t condone their actions — but I can live with their decision – and mine. And surprisingly, the initial deep pain I felt, didn’t last that long. And with each day that I’m able to be strong and engaged in *my* life – as decided and accepted by me, however small the slice of strength may be, then this is a “battle” won – for me — a battle of love. Self-love and self-respect and honour.
Ellie, my greatest wish for you is that you are able to move into “this place” of peace and well being – because then all the hard work you’ve done, the heartache you’ve lived and relive, will start to evolve into something far grander and more loving than your wildest dreams. And it seems to me, in order to begin, you need to recognize that you – yes you — poor sweet innocent Ellie – child hurt and wounded in so many horrific ways – are LOVE — and can be — but you need to stop projecting your wounded self *AT* your children. You are seeking to find acceptance and unconditional love from people who, unfortunately, unable to offer Love – True Love — agape — to neither themselves, let alone anyone else. And for this terrible pain you suffer repeatedly Ellie, my heart breaks.
Prayers and Light and Love (((((((Ellie))))))))
Your wisdom and kindness and understanding what you are saying, even if I am unable to act on them is much valued. I hear and understand all that you say and I can really connect to that.
I am SO, SO very proud of you Pat, for speaking your truth on June 16th. I’m sorry that you got such a negative response but am glad you have ‘grown’ from this as opposed to being knocked completely flat. Your courage never ceases to amaze me and I am very, very honoured that you chose to share this with me and I wouldn’t want for one second, ever want to ‘trash’ your words – they mean far too much to me.
I ‘take on board’ what you express, Pat and try to learn and grow from them and I know that one day, I will be able to climb to the top of this mountain.
Thank you for your prayers and love and for caring about me. This is so much appreciated, in fact, beyond words. I am sending very much love and hugs and you are always in my prayers, my dear, dear friend, Ellie xoxoxoxoxox ❤
We share as best we can, and learn and grow, one from the other, in empathy and compassion, and generosity of spirit, while respecting each and the other. And so, we continue to find courage and hope, faith and love, light – and if we’re having a crappy day, maybe a bit more breathing room, to give ourselves a break.
Light and Love to you Ellie (((((hugs)))))) and prayers.