My life is not perfect; far from it. I won’t go on to list all the things that are not how I’d like them to be but hey, nobody said life would be perfect! I will say my biggest upset is the total lack of contact with my children or my little grandchildren who I miss terribly. There is a fourth grandchild on the way but I doubt I’ll be allowed to have anything to do with that little mite when he/she enters the world. All my grandchildren are growing up not knowing they have a Nanny Ellie. I do not exist on this planet for them despite them all being in close proximity to me.
On to other events. I can just see the glimmer of light at the end of this deep, dark tunnel I have been lodging in for so long. I dig my way through mud, shovel by shovel, clearing the beginnings of the path that will lead me out of this place. I long to reach the warm sunshine I can see lighting up the far end of this prison. I crawl and I claw my way, inch by inch nearer and nearer to my goal. At last, pieces of my life are beginning to come together; important matters are finally falling into place. I don’t hesitate to list these as they are gradually bringing light and a warm glow into my life (minus my grandchildren, of course).
- At last my new laptop has arrived, all shiny and new. No more trying to hump that great huge dinosaur of a computer about (I called it Triceratops for that reason). This one is as light as a feather and a dream to use, although it didn’t come cheap (but it did come with a credit card bill!). I’ve called it ‘Amy’ – don’t ask me why; no rhyme or reason – it just came to mind and has a friendly sound about it.
- I think, at long last, that I have found my spiritual home…thank you, God. It’s a really small, fairly run-down ramshackle hut of a building, but proudly painted with clean blue and white paint. The people there are so friendly and are already treating me like one of their family. I feel totally comfortable there. The Senior Minister is called Roger and he has a really wicked sense of humour. The services are simple but genuine, the songs are mostly modern and beautiful, the faith is strong, the sense of community is steadfast but mostly, I get treated like a human being, not like an obstacle in a wheelchair (which incidentally had new batteries fitted this week so it goes like a dream now). I’ve called my chair ‘Charlie’, the girl’s variation, naturally….women are better drivers! (No offence, fellas).
- I am at last doing something about changing my care agency. I’ve been on to Adult Social Care and reiterated the fact that my current agency were no longer able to meet my needs. After much interviewing, I have found a care company who really do seem to care so I’ve just got to get the two lined up together with each other now. Not an easy task, I can assure you.
- In addition, college starts back on the 10th September and I’m eager and raring to go!
- I’ve had my mobile phone, basic though it is, repaired so now I can be in touch with the word once again.
- I had a birthday on Wednesday and three of my college friends surprised me and turned up with balloons, badges, flowers and gifts like I’ve never had before. I had a fantastic day with them. My birthdays are usually spent on my own, singing ”Happy birthday to me…” etc.
So, that is six reasons to be grateful that God is good and believe it or not, it hasn’t been easy to write bout the good stuff when I’m used to wallowing in the mire. I can become accustomed and far too ‘comfortable’ writing about all the negatives. But just once in a while, and I have to make the most of these rare moments, it’s good to bask in the sunshine. 🙂
Essentially Ellie 
Well HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY Ellie! I am so happy that people – friends – surprised you and you had a wonderful day and could celebrate! I’m doing a happy hobble about in sincere pleasure for you. I really hope all of you birthday wishes come true! And try to make it a challenge — each and every day, should be a birthday celebration – one small thing that brings you truth and celebrates the joys and wonders of You!
(Go on – I dare you to take up that challenge 😉 )
I’m so glad that things are falling into a better place all around —- new computer – Amy – sounds right indeed – new chair batteries for Charlie – I bet she’s wonderful to you 🙂 New courses starting up — yay! let’s keep the brain working and stimulated as we discover life again! A spiritual community that feels right to you — awesome. Sorting out carers that will actually be positive in direction in helping you manage your needs and health better — well worth the efforts.
It’s all the small and not so small challenges that end up being triumphs which really mean the most. I’m glad you’ve stuck with it — lord knows, sometimes it’s the time factor that drives us right over the edge – and makes the despair and darkness deeper — but yes, there is Light.
And so, if I may be a bit selfish — I am going to keep your wonderful achievements in mind – because I’m feeling pretty exhausted and am resisting the such of the black hole — so — i will think of Ellie and smile and think, c’mon, one step at a time.
Hugs to you Ellie ((((((((Ellie))))
Pat
Bless you, Pat….you say the nicest things and I do so appreciate your kind words and thoughts, even when you are feeling shattered and heading for that dark place that none of us want to be in. You….yes, you…bring a ray of sunshine and heaps of encouragement into my life however I’m feeling :). You understand me so well…I do believe that we are on the same wavelength.
Do take care while you’re doing your happy hobble! Can I join you in a happy wheelie?! 😉 And…I will indeed take up your challenge! One day at a time. Sometimes it has to be one hour at a time, one minute, sometimes second by second. Whatever we can do to try to strive forwards is good and if that means battling through every day for a while, through the grim times, then so be it. I sure don’t intend to give up….I have a life to live and I will do just that, step by step when I am able.
I know I need to keep looking for that Light even when I’m in the darkest of tunnels. It’s not easy and many a time I’ve tried to throw the towel in and give up on life. I do hate having BPD though – it makes me so bloody unpredictable from one minute to the next and as is evident in my writing, either everything is black or everything is white…typical BPD thinking.
Today has been a productive day too…a trip (on the spur of the moment) to the hairdresser (well overdue); down to Tesco’s to pick up a few bits; into town to collect a prescription at the chemist; grabbed a coffee at Starbucks and then headed off home… just missing the rain, thank goodness. This afternoon, a friend came over and we had coffee and an indulgent custard tart and chatted about life and stuff for nearly three hours….where does the time go when you’re having fun?! Love, Light, Joy and {{{{{Hugs}}}}} to you, Pat. Keep fighting the good fight! {{{{{Pat}}}}, my dear friend xxx ❤
Ellie, I loved your list. Way to go. So happy you have six things to have some gratitude about. Sending hugs!
Thank you so much. Sending Hugs to you too xxx P.S. Haven’t seen your blog for a while….are you still writing? x
Wonderful to hear some of the good things happening in your life. Hopefully someday you will be able to spend quality time with your Grandkids. If nothing else you can pray for them. Love and hugs Meghan
Thank you so much, Meghan. Hugs xxx ❤