AS NICE AS PIE…

I’m as nice as pie to those around me, caring, lovingly so, genuinely. But me? Me? Right now, I couldn’t give a toss. I feel like shit and am full of self hatred and anger and don’t know why. Perhaps jut a phase of the Borderline Personality Disorder which is of no consolation whatsoever.

This isn’t a clever piece of writing….neither beautifully worded or artistic….just a scream from deep within, silenced before it hits the surface and not dissimilar to the silent screams of my childhood. Flooded with flashbacks and sudden vicious body memories…ugh….argh….get me out of here! I don’t want to be in my body. It’s ugly, it’s damaged, it’s scarred for all to see…I hate it….I want to cut, cut out the bad. I hurt. I am hurting inside and out….the pain becoming intolerable. Panic setting in now as if enough isn’t enough.

the_scream_munch_artcover_by_yourlittlepsycho-d2z2lyb

(Edvard Munch – The Scream)

The clock is ticking, tick-tock, tic-tock…ticking the hours of my life away. I urge it to tick faster to stop it all…stop the pain. I long for slumber but this evades me too. I’m drowsy now but fighting off the sleep I so desperately need; head nodding slowly only to be suddenly shaken back into the reality I don’t want to see, hear or live. My head is muddled. I need help. I don’t know where to turn…. I search, I rummage, I hunt, but cannot even muster up the energy to ask for help

“Go to bed, for f*ck’s sake, go to bed. Stop expressing how you feel and boring the pants off the world“, my mind speaks to my head. I make no sense. This is literately nonsense, no sense….madness….confusion….total and utter confusion.

Chloe cries, my little one. My precious child within screams out in pain….and I can do nothing to comfort or console her….she suffers as we all do.  

I need to get out of my head….I need to get out of my life…..no longer wanted, needed or desired. So why should I remain here to suffer for the sake of those supposed to be close to me yet full of venom and hatred towards me? 

What am I dong here? Empty, devoid of love, worthless, pointless, aimlessly wandering to and fro and yet trapped within this head of mine….desperately fighting to escape from what is supposed to suffice as a brain..

“GET ME OUT OF HERE! PLEASE, GOD, GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

 

Author: Ellie Thompson

Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ... ... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full. I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else. Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊

6 thoughts on “AS NICE AS PIE…”

  1. You make perfect sense. Its better to let your thoughts free flow. More comes out that way. Im sending you tons of hugs. You are valuable and worth something to me! Give chloe a hug too! XX

  2. Keep on expressing yourself. Your words are very strong and you come across clearly.
    Thank you for sharing us your most inner thoughts.

    I wish you only the best.

  3. I hope that you find the energy and realization that you are worthy — in the ugliness of the pain you feel and see. You see only scars —- we see and know the LOVE that is You.

    Hugs and light and prayers Ellie.

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