Often lately, I have been thinking that for how much my children care or rather do not care about me, I may just as well be dead in the water, as the song says. Would I missed? No, I think not. At least, not by them. I know I have some good friends and I appreciate that so much but it doesn’t take the pain away. Am I angry? Yes, I am. I am angry at my children for depriving me of my grandchildren.

I’m angry with my care agency for not doing their job properly, not my carers (they are all great). It’s the bloody management who don’t bloody well look after their staff so their staff are all leaving in droves and I can’t say I blame them!

I’m angry with my church for not even noticing that I haven’t been there for the last six weeks, and now; now that I’ve let on (I thought, confidentially) to someone that I was leaving as I’ve found a much more supportive church; now, the phone rings at 7.15pm. I can see that it’s my church but I don’t pick up. The Minister has left a message saying she just wanted to talk to me about something and she wondered how I was…NOW? 

I am just so angry….I’m angry with life in general. I’m angry at the world! I’m not feeling sorry for myself…I’m just feeling utterly and thoroughly pissed off by everything in my life! I’m so angry that I’m in the state of mind that I don’t really care whether I’m here (as in alive and breathing), or not. In fact the idea of being ‘dead in the water’ quite appeals at this current moment.

I think I’m going slightly mad! I feel like an unexploded time-bomb, detonated and primed to off at any minute….any minute now. What do you do with yourself when yo feel like this? Answers on a postcard….


  1. I’m sorry. I have been mostly estranged from my children and grandchildren and i know how much it hurts and how many years it took before there were even scabs over the wound. But I’m better now, and just cheer them on from the sidelines. Since I “need” them less they are more willing to spend the very occasional hour or two with me. Sigh. I hope you can make your peace with your differences. hugs, gerry

    1. I’m so sorry, Gerry, that you too, have had to cope with this pain but glad that you’re be to cope with it a little better now although it still hurts. Thank you so much for your understanding and I am sending healing hugs to you too xxx

  2. I know this is a bit of an odd comment. Its just that I go to church to pray. And the act of praying alone gives me peace. Sure there’s fellowship after the church but its usually not deep enough for me to consider the people whom I speak to as my friends.

    The one or two members in the church are friends with me. My friendship with them extends to more than just the church and church activities. So I think its fair for you to be upset if such friends didn’t call to ask after you. And I completely understand that you are in a lot of pain because your family isn’t there for you.

    However I dont think the onus is on the church to look up on you or anyone of its members. So i dont quite get the anger that is coming through this post.

    1. Thank you for your comment, lovelygirl. When I am really angry, I need to be reminded that underneath God has it all in hand and everything happens for a reason. I suppose I just considered others at my church to be friends. I know that when I don’t see a member of church who I know well, not being there for a period of time, I always phone them to check they are ok. Perhaps I am just too sensitive and take things to heart too easily. Nevertheless I think I will be a lot happier at my new church where the congregation is like one big family and do look out for each other. I feel a little calmer this morning xxx

      1. I think everyone has a different definition of friendship and being close. We show our concern because we want to. There is no obligation on the other person to return it. It’ll be great if they do. But I don’t think the concern and care is we share genuine if people we care for are constantly obliged to return it.

        All the best in your new church.

  3. I’d offer some comfort and support if I could Ellie – but I’m in a very dark place. And so, what light and love I do have left – I share with you.
    Be well.

  4. Bless you, Pat for replying. I know when you’re in that very dark place, it is very difficult to read other people’s posts, let alone comment on them. I’m so sorry you are in that awful place. I hope the darkness doesn’t last too long and I am sharing my love, light, prayers and healing {{{Hugs}}} with you, my dear friend xxx ❤

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