I’m just going to write this randomly because I just feel like it….mad or what? It’s way past my bedtime and I should be getting some sleep before college  tomorrow, but no….here I am, writing again….


I am so pissed off with looking at the negatives in my life when I should looking at the positives. But, It’s not that easy – I only wish it was. There is more to life than being stuck in between….isn’t there?

“Trying to make some sense of it all,
But I can see that it makes no sense at all,
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor,
‘Cause I don’t think that I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you”

My kids are slowly killing me by way of torture but I need to find a way to let go of them, move on, forget all about them, pretend they don’t exist! But how? Anyone got any good ideas…..please; all suggestions considered; any takers out there? Answers on a postcard, maybe?

I need a fairy with a magic wand! Now, there’s an idea….fairies and magic…..mmmm……I love fairies (and angels) – I think they’re magical, just magical!

Tomorrow, I’m going to sit down and write out and illustrate my favorite magical things (maybe from a child’s perspective). Because, I’m sick of being stuck in the middle of this war when I’m a peace-loving soul at heart. It’ll be a challenge, that’s for sure.

And now I can/must go to bed and try to leave my muddied thoughts outside on the pavement, where they belong. I will take the fairies and the magic up to bed with me. Sweet dreams, my friends xxx 


Well that wasn’t really worth the paper it was written on, was it?


Today is bleak yet I want my heart to shine.
My face, drawn. Better if it cracked a smile.
My mood is sombre, longing for light to break through.
I am in darkness but I pine for a sunbeam.

I try too hard. Go easy.
I’m battling alone. Ask for help.
The nights are dark. The moon hides her face.
A blackbird sings. Why does this not delight me?

How did I get to be in this place?
I stopped believing in rainbows, in wishes, in stars,
In fairies, in angels, in the majesty of this planet.
I questioned if there was indeed a God.

A page of my bible fell open. In it I read:

“Trust God from the bottom of your heart.
Don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go.
He’s the One who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!” (Proverbs 3:5-7)


May this bring comfort to others who suffer today..


When I started this new section of my blog, I intended it to be less serious but I need to write about this. I suppose life is full of ups and downs anyway and this just, unfortunately happens to be a ‘down’.

I was fine this morning; positive, bright and optimistic – looking forward to a full day at college. I stopped at the supermarket to pick up something for lunch and arrived at college on time. There was a large group of us, something I’m not very comfortable with at the best of times. The topic for that session was ‘An Introduction to Recovery’  (from a mental health condition). Those of you who know me will know I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and Dissociative Disorder.

All was going well. We watched a piece of film on the projector that I wasn’t entirely comfortable with and then there was a discussion between us after that. I tried to communicate but I know I talk quietly but I can’t help that at the moment. It’s just not ‘in’ me to be loud or prominent in anyway, nor very forthcoming (often to my detriment). There was one woman sitting opposite me who seemed to insist in talking over me and as soon as that happens, I just shut down. I tried to listen to what others were saying but the topic that were discussed were very ‘near to the knuckle’ for me. I wasn’t expecting that. The chatter turned to family and children/grandchildren and then childhood. As you may know, my two children refuse to  have any contact with me nor allow me access to see my grandchildren. So, that hurt to start with. But ‘childhood’ suddenly conjured up the nightmare experiences of most of my early life and suddenly I dissociated completely from the conversation and was in my own world or horror. It was just like someone had fired a bullet from a gun at me. I had to get away.


I shot out of the room in my wheelchair as fast as I could go and bolted from the college and don’t remember much about the journey home. Flashbacks kept stopping me in my tracks though – that much I was aware of. I came indoors and just wanted to hide (I don’t know who from at that moment). I grabbed my bear and held my hands up in front of my face as if to hide and also to try and block the images out of my mind. I’d had a panic attack.

face under hands drawing

When I’d calmed down a bit, I was then really angry with myself for abandoning college like that. I should have just taken time out and rejoined the group. How immaturely I had behaved for a woman of 57 (which I hate to admit to). I thought about going back but was fearful of the same thing happening again and also felt too ashamed . Maybe I should have faced my fears; confronted them at least. After all I’ve had enough therapy and still go.

I need to take a leaf out of my own book and next time that happens, instead of allowing myself to get the stage where ‘I’d gone some else’ in my head, I should have employed some of the tactics I have already learned in college such as the Mindfulness course coping strategies. I’m back there on Monday and am determined not to let that happen again. I need to take responsibility for my own feelings and actions and be a bit more assertive. The old and classic adage “I would do an Assertiveness Course but I feel I’m not assertive enough’ applies!!


Well, I have been away for over a week (not long I suppose…) and in that time, I’ve been taking a wander around my life and made some decisions. For a start, I thought I’d choose a new ‘Theme’ for what will hopefully be a fresh start. The stars in the night sky give me hope for the future which is why I chose this image for my new style blog. You’ll see I’ve changed the blog topic name to ‘A little bit of this and a little bit of that’ because that’s what I want to attempt to write about.

I chose this video clip as it shows Julie Andrews returning to the children and all of them remembering their favourite things and the tone of the song goes from being a little sombre to purely delightful. I wish, I hope, I pray that this joy reaches out to touch you all and to touch me equally, dear friends.

I know my past happened and I cannot forget it but I want to move on and write about other things too and not stay trapped in the misery of my past. And yes, I have to say that I can’t just run away from my mental health problems. I still, of course, have Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Disorder (DDNOS) and these conditions play a big part in my life as they always have done.

I want to be able to write about ‘a little bit of this and a little bit of that’ and have some lighter moments and reflections to balance out the not so good days. Oh, I realize this may be no mean feat but I have therapy every week and that’s where I should be dealing with the skeletons of my life, rather than reliving them over and over in misery here,

So, a fresh start? I do hope so. I intend it to be one. I realize that some of my followers may no longer be interested in what I write about but then, I hope they’ll also be some new ones that hop on board for the ride along with, of course, my stalwart friends who have hung around long enough to see me return.

I’m way behind with all your emails and posts and realistically know that I cannot possibly catch up with all the news of your past week and more so apologies there and I didn’t intend to offend any of you. Hopefully, as my head starts to clear and the stars in the sky shine through the darkness of the night then perhaps both you and I can start to remember a few of our favourite things.

Have missed you and am sending *HUGS* to you all xxx 🙂


girl looking at reflection in glass

Apologies to all my friends and followers but I am taking a break from my blog for a while as I have a lot of problems going on in my private life and am not able to write at the moment, nor read, comment etc to all your blogs either for a while so I hope you will forgive me.

I am very stressed and overwhelmed by everything I have to deal with currently; endless problems and issues, added to which my mental health is not good at the moment and my psychiatrist has increased one of my medications as from today so I guess it’s not had a chance to kick in yet, if it does at all.

I will miss reading your posts but please know I will be thinking of you all and will catch up with your blogs as soon as I feel well enough.

Stay safe. Keep strong. Take Care and God Bless,

With My Love,

Ellie xxx

i'm sorry for feeling grumpy and mad