happy clown

As you see, I am a clown…..a funny ha-ha clown…..a hilarious clown…. a what-you-see-is-what-you-get sort of clown. I even laugh at jokes when they are not very funny, just to please the raconteur of the joke or story. I am perhaps, too eager to please.

However, I am in fact a very illusory type of clown. You see, my smile is not a genuine smile – only a streak of red paint slapped across my face. Don’t be fooled by my beacon-like nose for it is merely plastic and once removed reveals a snivelling, sniffing and rather plain flesh and blood nose. My colourful face gives the illusion of a bright and happy soul whereas, truth be known, the paint hides the falling of many tears. Strip away the layers, the glowing colours and the gleaming red nose and you are left with a totally different picture. Something more akin to this, I would suggest:

tears of a clown

The contrast is  extremely striking; they could hardly be more different. How can they be one-and-the-same person? If what- you-see-is-what-you-get with the latter portrait, it would seem unlikely that there would be a queue of people wanting to be the best of friends. The painted clown would win hands-down in the popularity stakes and understandably so, particularly for those people looking in from the outside.

However, from the perspective of the person on the inside looking out at the world, in this case that just does happen to be myself; ‘all in the garden is not rosy’, in fact far from it. So far from it that you would never guess that I currently have suicidal thoughts and ideas in my head and far too many of them and would go as far as to quote ” If I should die before I wake, Bless me Lord my soul to take”. And as selfish as it may sound, if I could go to bed tonight and know that I would not wake in the morning, then going to bed would be so much easier.

There will be those amongst you who will indeed be thinking that I am selfish, ungrateful, feeling sorry for myself. I am not. Yes, I am well aware that there are many, many people who are far, far worse off than me; that there are people who would give their eye teeth to be where I am now but I am not them, nor cannot be. All I want, all I truly want at this moment is for the pain to end, not the physical pain (that I can bear) but the emotional pain.

“Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord, my soul to keep;
If I should die before I wake,
I pray for Lord my soul to take. Amen”

3 thoughts on “THE CLOWN

  1. Hugs to you (((((Ellie))))) – just hang in there a bit longer – look to the small things that help bless your day. I know and understand. Be as strong as you can – but never deny who you are. ❤

    1. Thank you, my friend. I know and appreciate so much that you know, understand and care as I care about you very much too. Thank you for your encouragement – your words mean a lot to me {{{Hugs}}} for you xxx ❤ P.S. I'm sorry I haven't kept up with reading your posts….my concentration is so poor at the moment ❤

      1. No worries or problems Ellie – none at all. Besides, I hardly expect you to follow everything – it would be so difficult, especially when I get on a roll. Besides, it’s about you – taking care of you – as best you can – in the manners that help you – and that is totally understandable. This, more than having you reading along, when you’re not up to it – or don’t have the time or energy, this taking care of you – is what truly matters.
        (((Ellie)))) You be well ❤

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