Month: November 2014

FEELING GOOD!

Well, if you listened to the video clip you know that just for a change, I’m feeling good! :). I have my fair share of problems in life (but then, who doesn’t?) and some of them are serious, some of the fleeting, some of them heartbreaking but today….well, today, I’m feeling good and decided to shout about it (unlike me, I know).

megaphone

When I wrote my last post, I wasn’t feeling too great but some of the comments made by my friends here in blog-land really got me thinking in a positive way! So, today I am making the most of it! Am I on a bit of a high? Well, yes, quite probably but right now, I really don’t care! (Mind you, it’s about two hours after my bedtime but do I care? Does it matter? Nah!).

I’ve had a great day today – I’ve been to church, the first Advent Sunday service which is always special followed by copious amounts of coffee and scrumptious cake. Then I found myself volunteering to go into town with a group of church friends where we had a table and display stand and were helping interested children make felt snowmen or Christmas trees etc, complete with hats for the snowmen and carrots for noses and those wobbly eyes that move when you shake them. We gave out balloons to any passing children (those whose parents didn’t pull their child away as they were too busy xmas shopping!). I felt for those little kids as they gazed at the bright balloons on sticks longingly. Nevertheless, my stint down there for about two hours resulted in the giving away of about fifty-odd balloons and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it! In my distant mind were thoughts of my own grandchildren and how much I would have liked them to be part of all the jollity of it all but I tamed those thoughts and concentrated on my grand balloon achievement :).

Then I set off home in my electric wheelchair, smiling daftly at passers-by with children, still thinking I had balloons to give away….oh! I got really carried away!  I suddenly remembered that I had a friend coming round for coffee in one hour so it was a mad dash home, bombing down the cycle-path at top speed, burning rubber and I didn’t run anyone over in my enthusiasm! I just made it home in time to find above-mentioned friend complete with large parcel which had been delivered. I was thrilled to bits….it was something I had waited ages for and was much needed in my occupation….my shiny new, compact, lightweight laptop had been delivered and when we unpacked it, it was perfect…just what I’d wanted and saved so long for. So, of course that added to the excitement and exuberance of the day. So…..here I am with my eyelids drooping, knowing I have to get up for college tomorrow and I won’t have anywhere enough sleep….but after today, do I care? Nah! I’ve had a wonderful today.

…..and so to bed; well, “time for bed”….said Zebedee (for those of us who are old enough to remember The Magic Roundabout)! Goodnight all x 🙂

happy day

FINDING POSITIVITY :)

Well…..It’s been a while since I wrote my last blog. I’ve been really down lately and recovering from my accident too. Anyway, I’m on the mend and feeling brighter. In fact I feel pretty good as the end of this week has come and quite a lot of that has to do with a guy at my college called *Jonathan* who is one of our brilliant Peer Support team.

I had a really bad session in our ‘Hearing Voices’ group on Wednesday, basically because ‘my people’ in my head (my voices) were all trying to compete with each other and also all the other students’ experiences of voices being described. The chatting got quite intense and a bit loud at times and ‘Chloe’ got scared and we decided to make a run for it. I just had to get out of there so I left in a daze and can’t really remember coming home in my wheelchair. Once I got, I put into practice some of the Mindfulness techniques I had learned in previous courses at college which really helped calmed me down and quietened my mind which was a considerable relief.

I went back to college on Friday and asked to chat with Jonathan. We went to a quiet room and I talked about everything I was feeling, what the session brought up for me and why I panicked. We shared our experiences which was really valuable and I opened up about some of my past ‘taboo’ issues. I really felt like and knew that Jonathan understood my feelings really well. Our chat became really positive….I shared some of my plans for my future which included doing an Open University course/degree in Psychology which I am currently looking into. I also said that when I’ve done and understood all of my courses there, I would like to become a Peer Support myself. I feel I have a good and kind understanding of other peoples’ feelings and experiences and with a bit of guidance and training, I think I would be pretty good at it and am feeling really optimistic at the thought or helping other students with similar problems to me and working/volunteering in a learning environment. We must have chatted for nearly two hours but Jonathan had really helped to ‘dig me out of my hole’ and left me feeling really positive.

man and woman chatting over coffee

After a mug of coffee, I got together with my friend, *Maddy* who was there, and between us we have been designing our college Christmas card which I really enjoyed. It was a Mixed Media project and I think we achieved our goal. The cards will be printed off to give to all our students and other interested organizations at Christmas. I enjoyed working with Maddy and when our task was complete we felt a real sense of satisfaction. I left college that day feeling ‘just great’ and most of all I felt I had contributed something valuable and that in the context of this big wide world, I did matter. I have a place and a purpose. I may not have many of the things in my life that I would like to have but I so appreciate what I do have and am, today, feeling really good, content, and dare I say it, all things given, that I am happy!

smile emoticon

LETTING GO

Letting go of someone you love isn’t easy….It’s heart-wrenching, it’s agony, true heartache. Taking the decision to let go and taking the action is even harder. What do you do when you’ve tried everything in your power to hold on to the hope that that love will somehow be reciprocated but it never is? Letting go is the hardest thing….Let Go Let God.

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I’ve thought long and hard about this. I’ve cried bucketsful of tears. I’ve hoped, I’ve wished, I’ve prayed. Oh, how I’ve prayed; all through the day to the point where I just cannot think anymore; all through the night until the sun rises and another day dawns. [“Heavenly Father, I hand this situation over to You, for You are stronger than I. My God, You know what has happened. You know what has gone before. Be merciful, I pray, oh Lord. I ask Your forgiveness for both myself and my children. In Jesus’ name, Amen”].

You may think me heartless; callous even, but there is only so much pain and rejection and hurt I can take. I am immersed in a sea of emotions which surround me; the murky waters reaching up to my chin, waves threatening to engulf me. My children cause me so much pain and suffering. If I don’t let go, I will surely drown. If I drown, I am of little use to any other person on this planet. My son and my daughter refuse to have anything to do with me. I’ve recently been ill and in hospital and now I’ve been home for a week, and neither of them have phoned, text’d, emailed, sent a card. Not a word. I love them. I will always love them, from the very bottom of my heart. I will miss them. A part of me has died for each grandchild I have lost in this manner. I’ve no idea how my little ones are – I’ve no way of finding out and it’s killing me and dragging me back down the hole I have fought for so many years to get out of. Both my psychiatrist and my GP say I need to let go to maintain my mental health. Easy to say the words, I thought; difficult, oh, so hard to take the action needed. My door will remain open forever, my loves, should you choose to come back; my love will be there always….it will never fade or lessen.

So, I have to say, my darlings, my precious ones, I will set you free. This is what you have requested (no contact). I don’t pretend to know why, nor to understand. I’ve prayed for your peace of mind, for your salvation. But all to no avail. I cannot hold you back any longer. I set you free although it shatters my heart into a million pieces to do so…..

Banksy balloon

 Sorry seems to be the hardest word…….

quote of the night

I can identify with this and thought it quite profound x

Multi-Me

“I hold the hands of people I never touch.
I provide comfort to people I never embrace.
I watch people walk into brick walls, the same ones over and over again, and I coax them to turn around and try to walk in a different direction.
People rarely see me gladly. As a rule, I catch the residue of their despair. I see people who are broken, and people who only think they are broken. I see people who have had their faces rubbed in their failures. I see weak people wanting anesthesia and strong people who wonder what they have done to make such an enemy of fate. I am often the final pit stop people take before they crawl across the finish line that is marked: I give up.
Some people beg me to help.
Some people dare me to help.
Sometimes the beggars and the dare-ers look…

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HOSPITAL BREAK!

I am sorry to all my blogging friends that I have not read or commented on all of your posts but I have been in hospital for several days. This is just a status post really.

I lost my balance and fell as I was transferring from my outdoor wheelchair to my indoor one. I landed badly and have unfortunately broken my bad leg (now in plaster) and got a minor fracture of my shoulder (now in a sling) so I am typing with one hand. Fortunately I am right-handed and it is my left shoulder that is injured. I am still in quite considerable pain and am needing extra Care.

broken leg in wheelchair

I also knocked myself unconscious as I hit my head on a hard floor as I fell. I don’t remember anything after that until I woke up the next day on a ward. Apparently, I was found by my Carer who called the Paramedics who rushed me to hospital in an ambulance with blue lights blazing. I was then taken into Resuscitation as the damage to my head caused me to start fitting which I have never done before. Once they stabilized me, I was on High Dependency for a short while before being transferred to a ward. I made a fairly quick recovery thankfully although of course we still be in plaster for a few weeks now which is obviously further disabled me on top of my general disability. However, I realize that my accident could have been far worse and I thank the Lord for saving me from serious injuries.

However, I am good spirits apart from my continuing family problems. Sadly, neither of my children have made any contact with me or the hospital whatsoever despite the hospital informing them of my accident. That really hurts and I know that I should try to forgive them and am continuing to pray for God to soften their hearts and for them to come to know and trust in Christ.