Month: December 2014

BITTERSWEET BABY

baby-silhouette

Well……it’s official (apparently)! I am now a Nanny for the fourth time! I heard via text message from another member of my family that my son and daughter-in-law had a baby boy yesterday (my first grandson). That’s all I know – I don’t even know his name. I long to see him but I know this is nigh on impossible given my family situation. Do I feel happy that this new little life has been given into God’s kingdom? Yes. But, how can I be happy when I know I will see as much of this little one as I do of my other grandchildren? He will not know me, just as ‘the girls’ don’t know me and that breaks my heart.

I hear other people my sort of age talking about their grandchildren and how they come and visit with the sons or daughters they have. But not me, and it’s hard to hear sometimes, hard to listen because it is so painful. So, I smile sweetly and say “how lovely for you” and I mean it genuinely – I am happy for them but the pain I feel inside is heart-wrenching and continues to gnaw away at me because I know it will never be that way for me. I am the invisible Nanny, the non-existent one, “the Nanny we don’t talk about because she is a bit funny, (she has mental health problems and has a disability – you know how it is”).

I am deemed as useless as I cannot babysit, go upstairs to admire the gerbils, get down on the floor and play, chase them round the living room etc. What use I am to them? I write in the sky amongst the clouds, “Dear Son/Daughter, I love you – I have always loved you and I want to love my grandchildren and be part of their lives. I can still cuddle them, read them stories and be a positive influence in their lives. I am not mad or stupid. I am not a danger to my grandchildren. I love them and just want the opportunity to get to know them and for them to get to know me. My heart aches with my longing to see them. Is there no hope? Why, please tell me? Why?” Unsent letters, as writing would alienate them further so they remain in the clouds.

I keep journals though; love journals, one for each child where I write what I was thinking about today to do with them. I don’t write anything negative about anyone, especially my son or daughter.

If only…..Life is full of ‘if onlys’. Not just my life but the lives of many others for different reasons. We can but dream sometimes and we have to settle for that and be content, but easy, it is not! My heart is breaking I have to hang on to hope. Hope that one day when they are grown, they will and come and search me out and discover for themselves that I’m not what my son/daughter portray me to be.

“Dear Grandchild, I love you so much. I have always loved you from the minute you were born. I will always be here for you, waiting for you, waiting for the ‘if only’ to come true”.

Make a wish…..

dandelion-wishes

THE REASON FOR THE SEASON

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Well…..here we are again! It’s nearly Christmas and the country has gone mad! Everywhere you look, everywhere you go, people are pushing and shoving to get last minute bargains or expensive gifts to give to their loved ones and fill the childrens’ Christmas stockings. Food is selling so fast, the supermarkets can hardly keep up with filling the shelves quickly enough. Millions of trees are being chopped down to become fairy lit trees, and processed into cheap Christmas cards that will be hastily written, expensively posted, arriving at their destination only to be dropped into peoples’ rubbish bins (or if they’re really lucky, the recycle sack), after a few days of gathering dust on the mantlepiece! All for two days! Two days! And all that waste…. and for what?  For the sake of commercialism and ‘feeding’ the ‘fat-cats’ who are at the top, making all the profit and doing little of the work in most situations. Come the 25th we’ll all be sitting down and stuffing ourselves with turkey, stuffing, roast potatoes, chipolatas, pudding, cake, mince pies, chocolates and sweets, alcohol and so much more and then complaining we’ve all got bellyache! It’s all so much and yet there are hundreds or more hungry and homeless people in the country. To say nothing of the rest of the world which is another story entirely!

Christmas-Dinner-dp

I’m far from perfect. I know that and I include myself in the above but I am not sending numerous cards; instead I’m giving what I can afford to charities of my choosing and will probably send some e-cards to those fortunate enough to have technology at hand. I will chatting on the phone to those family members that I am still have contact with and to close friends (a privilege I appreciate); I have an artificial Christmas tree and Christmas dinner and ‘trimmings’ will not be over-extravagant. And you may cry “bah, humbug” at me but, truly, what on Earth has happened to Christmas?

I mean the real Christmas. I mean the real reason for the season? Where does Jesus fit into all this? Yes, many churches will be holding Christmas services and that’s when the churches are bursting at the seams, (once a year!). What about the rest of the year? Christmas is for giving – giving of ourselves to God as well as giving to those less fortunate than ourselves in every sense.

Where in the bible does it say “thou shalt stuff thyself with turkey”, or that “thou shalt have more Christmas cards than thy neighbour”?

What about the birth of Jesus? In the bible it reads (Luke 2:4-7, 10-11)

4 Joseph went from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to the town of Bethlehem in Judea, the birthplace of King David. Joseph went there because he was a descendant of David. 5 He went to register with Mary, who was promised in marriage to him. She was pregnant, 6 and while they were in Bethlehem, the time came for her to have her baby. 7 She gave birth to her first son, wrapped him in cloths and laid him in a manger—there was no room for them to stay in the inn.10 but the angel said to them, “Don’t be afraid! I am here with good news for you, which will bring great joy to all the people. 11 This very day in David’s town your Savior was born—Christ the Lord! 

This is what we need to be celebrating – the birth of our Lord and King who was born and came to save us from our sins and who died in order that we may have eternal life. I know for me, as a believer, that this fact brings me a lot of comfort and peace.

nativity

But….don’t get me wrong! I am just speaking from my own point of view and beliefs. I respect the fact that everyone has their own ideas of what is right and what is wrong; what is true and what is not. I don’t intend to ram what I believe in down everybody else’s throats – I’m not really a Scrooge but I’m just saying….ok?!

ZEBRA CROSSING (ALL CHANGE)!

zebra_crossing_1173695

Well….yesterday was really a bad day, wasn’t it? I don’t know why I wrote a post – it was miserable and probably bored the pants off all my readers! I’m wondering whether to Trash it or not but then I thought, “Hold on; I can see a pattern here, in my moods just by reading the consecutive names of my posts over some weeks”. BPD can cause very rapid mood changes with anger and desperation at one end of the scale and joy and exuberance at the other. I rarely feel on middle ground.

When I look at my list of Recent Posts, it reads consecutively….good, bad, good, bad, good, bad and so on. I guess this predictability would be useful IF I could rely on it (which I can’t) as often the contents of one day’s post alone, let alone a week, are a series of good, bad; all good and no bad; no good and all bad. Black, White, Black, White etc (just like a Zebra crossing!). So, why is it so hard to remember when I am in the dark, that it WILL become light again? It just seems that when I am in that tunnel, I just cannot see a light at the end of it at all, not a glimmer. And yet, when I am feeling as high as a kite, like today, I find it difficult/ don’t want to envisage life ever being desperate again. I never know what’s lurking round the corner. My high and low states can just creep up on me stealthily and silently and could be waiting round any corner ready to surprise/horrify me unexpectedly. I hear the phrase “ALL CHANGE!” whispered in the background, repeat itself over and over in my head like a CD stuck on a track.

lurking round the corner

Today has been rosy so far :). I’ve been to Art and Craft Group where I thoroughly enjoyed myself; had lunch out with a friend (few and far between, these days); came home; remembered to put my wheelchair on charge so I can go out again tomorrow (dependant, of course, on what state I find myself when I wake up); had my hair highlighted for the first time ever (rather a ‘high’ and rapid decision which I hope I won’t regret in the morning!); my Carer was early so we had time for a chat alongside our usual evening routine; and finally, I signed my Will which I’ve meaning to do for weeks! Morbid? Grim? No, I’m not planning to pop off tonight or to end my life in the near future (I hope). No….just peace of mind really.

So feeling nicely positive today, I can optimistically state the following for future days (hopefully):

DOING MY BEST

DELVING INTO THE DEPTHS OF BPD

SHIT!!!  Why do my emotions go spinning out of control for no good reason – I hate the unpredictability of having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I have days when I’m laughing on the outside and everything in the world seems rosy, when really I am screaming silently in the blackness of the depths of my mind.

black and white head

My world is BLACK and WHITE – everything is either fantastic or everything it’s bloody awful. Where is the GREY in my world?. The normality of humdrum life. Can you guess where I am on that scale right now then??? And ANGER is in there too. I feel like a dragon breathing fire one minute and the next I’m hiding, scared at the back of beyond.

Why do I love so fiercely when I know the chances are, I will get hurt, dumped, kicked to the ground? But…. still I need you…..please don’t leave me; please do not reject me like everybody else has done. I love you; I hate you; I love you; I hate you….

Why do I so rapidly get emotionally attached to anyone who comes along and shows me an inkling of love or a glance of approval only to be devastated when the feeling is not reciprocated?

I self-sabotage in my desperation and my hatred of myself. I deprive myself of sleep deliberately, often staying up  till 2am, 3am; then it creeps up to 5am, time to get up and at which point I can justify not going to bed. I am most often writing because that is what’s keeping me on the planet right now.

I deprive myself of anything I really like (because I don’t deserve it) and then I give myself that very thing until I am literally sick (because I don’t deserve it).

See how fucked up my mind is inside? I am in turmoil, agony. My mind is a seething mass of chaos. See how angry I am? I am about to self-destruct, most likely by imploding on myself and then being the only one around who feels guilty enough to clear up the resulting mess! Often, the thought crosses my mind that I want to jump off the multi-storey car park (but then the guilt of someone else having to clear up the bloody debris of my body, kicks in), so I don’t.

imploded head

Help!!!! I want to get up from here; smell the roses again and the fresh bread baking in the oven; feel joy and contentment; find out what happiness is; love and be loved etc etc….and  yet I don’t know where to start! SHIT!!!

CINDERELLA WILL GO TO THE BALL! :)

Well, things aren’t so bad right now. That’s the trouble with having Borderline Personality Disorder – everything is either black or white. I cannot see the in between, more rational areas at all sometimes. Often, I have a day where everything blows completely out of proportion, as in my recent post ‘The End of My Rope’. I realize my different identities are part of my Dissociative Disorder and part of my own making i.e. my FB name and my publishing name.

Anyhow, I am feeling more myself, far from perfect but then who is truly? I had an invite to my College Christmas party. I don’t do parties…..usually, that is, and haven’t been to one for about seven years! But this time, I gave myself a good talking to about how I would know everyone there anyway and it wasn’t going to be a super-dressy party either. So, for the first time in seven years, I asked my Carer to come in early to get me ready and I dressed in skinny, black (but thermal) leggings (yes, you can do thermal and fashionable!), a pair of black fur-edged ankle boots, a bit of bling, and a white and silver glittery jumper, all of which I bought cheap from Primark but even if I do say so myself, I did look decent!

For a moment, I nearly chickened out but I spoke sternly to myself and off I went, So, after all that, Cinderella did go to the ball! And what’s more, I thoroughly enjoyed it. The nibbles were good and the drinks were soft which suited me fine as I am now teetotal (having previously been an alcoholic). I met up with old friends, chatted; won some perfume in the raffle; joined in the Christmas carols and all in all had a brilliant time.

green creature with tail

So, now I know that I’m not going to turn green and grow a tail or any such thing, when I go to a party, I’ve decided to go to another one on Wednesday (with ladies that lunch) which I had previously turned down because of the fear and trepidation. I can’t say that I’m not a tad anxious about it as that would be a lie, but I am determined that Cinderella will go to the ball again! xxx :))

cinderella

Watch this space………

You Are Made AMAZING!

This is an amazing video, posted by my blogging friend, Meghan. It is about God’s tremendous love for us. Please take the time to watch and know you are special. Thank you for sharing this, Meghan xxx

Finding Hope's Sunshine

You want to know how wonderful you are? God formed you and knows every intimate detail about your life. He holds you together when you don’t feel like taking one more step. Pull up a chair, grab something warm to drink and watch this video. It is a bit long (40 mins.), but you will NOT be sorry. I promise you! From the universe to your body, there is proof that God is awesome and He made you amazing too. Got to watch it to the end, cool scientific find in our body, toward the end of the video. I loved it so much I watched it three times so far. Be blessed! And share with as many people as you can, so that they too, know that they are special. Thanks Meghan

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