DELVING INTO THE DEPTHS OF BPD

SHIT!!!  Why do my emotions go spinning out of control for no good reason – I hate the unpredictability of having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I have days when I’m laughing on the outside and everything in the world seems rosy, when really I am screaming silently in the blackness of the depths of my mind.

My world is BLACK and WHITE – everything is either fantastic or everything it’s bloody awful. Where is the GREY in my world?. The normality of humdrum life. Can you guess where I am on that scale right now then??? And ANGER is in there too. I feel like a dragon breathing fire one minute and the next I’m hiding, scared at the back of beyond.

Why do I love so fiercely when I know the chances are, I will get hurt, dumped, kicked to the ground? But…. still I need you…..please don’t leave me; please do not reject me like everybody else has done. I love you; I hate you; I love you; I hate you….

Why do I so rapidly get emotionally attached to anyone who comes along and shows me an inkling of love or a glance of approval only to be devastated when the feeling is not reciprocated?

I self-sabotage in my desperation and my hatred of myself. I deprive myself of sleep deliberately, often staying up  till 2am, 3am; then it creeps up to 5am, time to get up and at which point I can justify not going to bed. I am most often writing because that is what’s keeping me on the planet right now.

I deprive myself of anything I really like (because I don’t deserve it) and then I give myself that very thing until I am literally sick (because I don’t deserve it).

See how fucked up my mind is inside? I am in turmoil, agony. My mind is a seething mass of chaos. See how angry I am? I am about to self-destruct, most likely by imploding on myself and then being the only one around who feels guilty enough to clear up the resulting mess! Often, the thought crosses my mind that I want to jump off the multi-storey car park (but then the guilt of someone else having to clear up the bloody debris of my body, kicks in), so I don’t.

Help!!!! I want to get up from here; smell the roses again and the fresh bread baking in the oven; feel joy and contentment; find out what happiness is; love and be loved etc etc….and  yet I don’t know where to start! SHIT!!!

Author: Ellie Thompson

Writing my memoirs, musings, a little fiction and a lot of poetry as a way of exploring and making the most of my life ... ... Having had a break from writing my blog for more than three years, I decided to return to write my memoirs, some day-to-day observations, views and feelings. My passion is non-fiction poetry. I have a disability and use an electric powerchair called Alfie and let nothing get in the way of living life to the full. I believe that you can never do a kindness too soon and should give credit where credit is due. A smile or a kind word could make the difference between a good or bad day for a person - we never know what's going on for another soul. Those little things, perhaps, practised daily like a mantra, could mean so much to someone else. Thank you for visiting my blog and reading a little more about me. Please, make yourself at home here. You are very welcome. Ellie x 😊 View all posts by Ellie Thompson