Well….yesterday was really a bad day, wasn’t it? I don’t know why I wrote a post – it was miserable and probably bored the pants off all my readers! I’m wondering whether to Trash it or not but then I thought, “Hold on; I can see a pattern here, in my moods just by reading the consecutive names of my posts over some weeks”. BPD can cause very rapid mood changes with anger and desperation at one end of the scale and joy and exuberance at the other. I rarely feel on middle ground.
When I look at my list of Recent Posts, it reads consecutively….good, bad, good, bad, good, bad and so on. I guess this predictability would be useful IF I could rely on it (which I can’t) as often the contents of one day’s post alone, let alone a week, are a series of good, bad; all good and no bad; no good and all bad. Black, White, Black, White etc (just like a Zebra crossing!). So, why is it so hard to remember when I am in the dark, that it WILL become light again? It just seems that when I am in that tunnel, I just cannot see a light at the end of it at all, not a glimmer. And yet, when I am feeling as high as a kite, like today, I find it difficult/ don’t want to envisage life ever being desperate again. I never know what’s lurking round the corner. My high and low states can just creep up on me stealthily and silently and could be waiting round any corner ready to surprise/horrify me unexpectedly. I hear the phrase “ALL CHANGE!” whispered in the background, repeat itself over and over in my head like a CD stuck on a track.
Today has been rosy so far :). I’ve been to Art and Craft Group where I thoroughly enjoyed myself; had lunch out with a friend (few and far between, these days); came home; remembered to put my wheelchair on charge so I can go out again tomorrow (dependant, of course, on what state I find myself when I wake up); had my hair highlighted for the first time ever (rather a ‘high’ and rapid decision which I hope I won’t regret in the morning!); my Carer was early so we had time for a chat alongside our usual evening routine; and finally, I signed my Will which I’ve meaning to do for weeks! Morbid? Grim? No, I’m not planning to pop off tonight or to end my life in the near future (I hope). No….just peace of mind really.
So feeling nicely positive today, I can optimistically state the following for future days (hopefully):
Essentially Ellie 