Well….yesterday was really a bad day, wasn’t it? I don’t know why I wrote a post – it was miserable and probably bored the pants off all my readers! I’m wondering whether to Trash it or not but then I thought, “Hold on; I can see a pattern here, in my moods just by reading the consecutive names of my posts over some weeks”. BPD can cause very rapid mood changes with anger and desperation at one end of the scale and joy and exuberance at the other. I rarely feel on middle ground.
When I look at my list of Recent Posts, it reads consecutively….good, bad, good, bad, good, bad and so on. I guess this predictability would be useful IF I could rely on it (which I can’t) as often the contents of one day’s post alone, let alone a week, are a series of good, bad; all good and no bad; no good and all bad. Black, White, Black, White etc (just like a Zebra crossing!). So, why is it so hard to remember when I am in the dark, that it WILL become light again? It just seems that when I am in that tunnel, I just cannot see a light at the end of it at all, not a glimmer. And yet, when I am feeling as high as a kite, like today, I find it difficult/ don’t want to envisage life ever being desperate again. I never know what’s lurking round the corner. My high and low states can just creep up on me stealthily and silently and could be waiting round any corner ready to surprise/horrify me unexpectedly. I hear the phrase “ALL CHANGE!” whispered in the background, repeat itself over and over in my head like a CD stuck on a track.
Today has been rosy so far :). I’ve been to Art and Craft Group where I thoroughly enjoyed myself; had lunch out with a friend (few and far between, these days); came home; remembered to put my wheelchair on charge so I can go out again tomorrow (dependant, of course, on what state I find myself when I wake up); had my hair highlighted for the first time ever (rather a ‘high’ and rapid decision which I hope I won’t regret in the morning!); my Carer was early so we had time for a chat alongside our usual evening routine; and finally, I signed my Will which I’ve meaning to do for weeks! Morbid? Grim? No, I’m not planning to pop off tonight or to end my life in the near future (I hope). No….just peace of mind really.
So feeling nicely positive today, I can optimistically state the following for future days (hopefully):
Essentially Ellie 
Happy you had a good day. Hope the hair turned out good! I bet its pretty. I can relate to the massive highs and low lows. Nightmare! XX
Thanks, Carol anne. I’m still getting used to my new hair colour! xxx
Plaster that quote every where — everywhere —- e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e .
Seriously – brilliant. And even if it doesn’t seem natural to you everyday – throughout the day – tell yourself – say it out loud “I LOVE myself and Deserve Happiness and Peace.” Even in the blackest moments – tell yourself – scream it at yourself —- no, scratch that — be gentle and loving – even when you feel that you can’t. Try.
And plaster that quote everywhere. 🙂
Hugs Ellie
xxxx
What can I say, dear Pat? Thank you so much and even though I still find it difficult to find enough self-esteem to say ‘those’ words to myself over and over but I am trying to remember to say it to myself more often. That quote sometimes feels it doesn’t belong to me but at other times, when things are good, I try this ‘coat’ on and see if it ‘fits’. It’s gradually getting to feel the more appropriate ‘fashion’ for myself. Love to you, Pat. Hugs, Ellie xxxxxx 🙂 ❤