navy fiesta car

My younger sister, *L* owns (or should I say past tense, owned) a little car that she has had for many years. It has served her well and got her out of many a fix. She used her little car for all sort of things including ferrying her three children back and forth to their school in the next village, shopping, getting to work etc. It didn’t have a name although if it were mine, I would have named it Clarissa, but then I’m odd like that; I name all sorts of personal but inanimate possessions (more about that in a later post) but I will admit that I am typing this post on ‘Triceratops’ which is my heavy, old dinosaur of a laptop as my new, lightweight ultrabook called ‘Harry’, named after the picture of a hedgehog on the sticker of its top, has also suffered a demise (much to my dismay).

I decided to write this little ditty for my sister *L in memory of her beloved little car:

Fiesta, navy, lady owner 1997 – 2015 – not for sale.
you’ve been the best of
friends for many years.
From preschool jigs
to metal gigs,
Tesco shops,
To station drops.
You’ve NEVER ever
let her down,
made her frown,
been late to town.
You have had a little park
of lichens, moss and woody bark!
Despite her quite uncanny lack
of spatial sense
You’ve stayed on track.
Your MOT runs out tonight,
at twelve o’clock
upon the dot.
No amount of loving care
will sadly get you back in gear.
You’ve really been a total star.
Thank you special little car.

Hidden Blessings?

Now… all makes so much sense. Thank you for this, Secret Angel; this is beautiful, meaningful and poignant . Thanks for sharing, Ellie x

The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel

So many of us have been hurt by various abuses throughout our lives. As human, we can not understand why these things happen to us and lead to our brokenness. But God… His Ways are not our ways. His Thoughts are not our thoughts. The hidden blessings amongst the pain many will never understand… until we realize that this world is only temporary…

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Well, despite my Mum being very ill (see last post), I have decided to set myself some achievable goals or challenges! for 2015. As it is, I spend far too much time on my laptop, mostly working (writing) but also spending too much time observing Facebook and not enough time reading your blogs. I don’t get involved with Twitter simply because a) I don’t know how to and b) I would only spend more time on my laptop which defeats the object. So here they are:

  • To try and write at least two blogs (minimum) a week and to make more time to read your blogs, my friends.
  • To spend less time on Facebook.
  • To put my laptop down, turn the music off and read at least one chapter of a book every day.
  • To drink two glasses of fresh water a day to replace some of the diet coke I drink too much of mostly.
  • To chase up my Publisher who promised that my third book would be published this year (yes, I know it’s only January but I am keen to see it print).
  • To complete the next academic year at college.
  • Get myself to bed earlier.
  • Get involved in some voluntary work, even if in a small way.
  • Only to indulge in chocolate once in every two weeks (and then it has to be a small bar and not one of those family-size bars which I could easily sit down and scoff in one session…..and it has been known!!
  • Tidy the junk room.

So, will I, won’t I, time will tell!

Now for some unrealistic but ‘would like to do’ targets:

  • Get to the top of Mount Snowdon in my wheelchair! (see pic).
  • Read ‘War and Peace’ in one week.
  • Visit a different country (having never been abroad!).
  • Learn to become a computer whizz-kid.
  • Walk on the moon!
  • Put an end to all wars and suffering.
  • Fly an aeroplane single-handedly!
  • Win the Lottery (I don’t even do it!).
  • Find a cure for Cancer (seriously, that is. If only….).
  • Actually get 10 ‘Likes’ for this blog (highly unlikely)!

Well, there you go! A bit of commonsense mixed with a bit of imagination!

I guess I’ll have to achieve my first goal otherwise how would I plot my progress and more to the point, how will you be able to keep an eye on me to see if I actually do it?!

plan A


cancer ribbon

The ‘C’ word crept in to our lives insidiously,
first daring to show its face ten odd years ago.
Since buried in hushed tones,
tucked into the silent crevices of our minds

How dare it trespass,
after all this time of quiet repose
now crawling out of the woodwork
exposing itself in all its naked glory

I have spoken of it quite recently
in company although anonymously.
Expecting support and understanding
but only to be greeted with a tick in a box.

With a ‘not on my doorstep’ approach,
most surprisingly in the current climate
where it stalks its prey with no fear or shame
trampling lives into the ground.

The ‘dreaded ‘C’ word’ – CANCER – My Mum has just this week been diagnosed with Myeloma (bone marrow cancer) which in her case is untreatable and incurable (along with Stage 3 kidney failure – stage 5 is ‘end stage’). How on Earth do you come to terms with the fact that your Mum’s death is likely to be earlier than it should/inevitable? I’m trying to support my Mum as best I can. I am researching both conditions and I am trying to appropriate support for her in the community, as left to the NHS, these things don’t get put into place until it’s perhaps too late.

I am, of course, devastated at the prospect of losing my Mum who I have always had a very special relationship. However, I am more concerned about her feelings, her anger, her fear etc than I am about my own feelings. I can’t be there for her physically, firstly because we live too far apart, and secondly, because I have severe disability and cannot even access my Mum’s house. All this leaves me feeling so helpless and angry. But, anger isn’t going to solve anything. Nevertheless, we are entitled to be raging of course!

My dear Mum is so frightened of the prospect of her life coming to an end when she is still active and very definitely is in control of her own mind. But, I love her so much, I would willingly trade places with her without any hesitation! Why? How can I feel this way? Because I have my faith and that is something Mum has not an ounce of, being a staunch atheist. She’s 86 and very set in her ways and most unlikely (I would bet never) to believe in a life with God after death. If only I could take her fear on my back and replace it with a faith that it’s all going to be alright but sadly, I can’t.

Silently, in the midst of all the pain, I pray for a miracle. I am fallible, I am weak, I am not in control. I do all that I can and that, I have to accept.


Well, for those of you who are read my blog three days ago…..It went ok. In fact, it went better than ok, it went well! That is, reading my testimony out loud in church in front of 300 people this morning! I was so nervous.

I couldn’t sleep and was up by 4.30am rehearsing my ‘lines’ and then headed off to church early because the pavements were icy from the freezing fog we had during last night (it was -1 degree outside when I left!). But I arrived safely and in plenty of time.

I was greeted by my Minister, M*, who informed that I was first to speak out of six of us who were sharing our testimonies whereas I’d been told I was last so that was somewhat nerve-racking. My hands were shaking so much, M* had to hold the microphone as I couldn’t keep it still! Nevertheless, I managed to speak the words clearly and audibly, (and not mumble or whisper as I often do). I really enjoyed it all in the end and would love to do it again to publicly give thanks to God and hopefully encourage others to build on their faith.

When the service was over, we all trooped downstairs to get coffee or tea and lots of my friends and acquaintances there came up to me and said how pleased they were to hear that there had been some small steps towards reconciliation between myself and my children (even though they are only tentative at the moment). At least, I have hope…..hope for a future for me and my family at last, and I am just so grateful and say again, ‘to God be the glory’! x 🙂


Well, it’s nice to be back amongst my blogging friends after the Christmas and New Year break at which time I posted absolutely ‘zilch’! Christmas Day was fairly non-eventful (other than a tummy bug if you can call that a non-event….I think not actually!) and quiet as it usually is for me but I don’t mind really. At least I was fortunate to have my Carer come in the morning and the evening (which is more company than many people had). Thank God for small mercies.

Talking of God, He has really been working in a very positive way in my life especially over the last week or so. I feel so very grateful and blessed and thankful to all those friends who have been praying for me on this topic. Jesus has broken through in my life in a quite delightful and generous way and I praise Him for that and the beginnings of an answer to my prayer. I have written the following words:


Isaiah 46:16, 18-19
16 Long ago the LORD made a road through the sea,
a path through the swirling waters.
18 But the LORD says,
“Do not cling to events of the past
or dwell on what happened long ago.
19 Watch for the new thing I am going to do.
It is happening already—you can see it now!
I will make a road through the wilderness
and give you streams of water there.
A few weeks ago, my Minister talked about the Lord breaking through in our lives and I just wanted to share my experience of this:

As most of you know, there has been a considerable and serious breakdown in communication between myself and my son and daughter for some years now. I opened up my heart to our Lord God – I asked for forgiveness for the bitter and angry thoughts that I carried, and prayed hard for reconciliation as I know too that so many of you have also been praying for me and I feel blessed and very touched by that.

Now, in the last couple of weeks, Jesus has broken through into my life in the most miraculous way. I have just, over the last few days, started to have some very positive contact with both my children and I pray that we can build on this. I am so happy!

Praise God in the Highest for He is good.” 

Thank you Lord x

Not only do I feel these feelings strongly but tomorrow, I have to stand up (well, sit in my wheelchair in my case!) in church, in front of 300+ people in the congregation and read these words. I am seeing it as a personal challenge to my natural fear, inhibitions and lack of confidence as I have only once spoken publicly in front of a large number of people and that was back in 2008 when I was baptized.

photo: - sister & baby brother - blog.

Oh! Did I forget to say that I have a new grandson who isn’t two weeks old yet. He is my son’s second child, my fourth grandchild and my first grandson. They have called him C.N.*; he is a sister for I* who will be two years old in a week’s time and a cousin for my other two granddaughters, J* and R*. I’ve yet to see him but at least, and at last, my son and my daughter-in-law are replying to my occasional emails and phone calls.

Time for celebration? Heck! Why?, Why not?! At last my relationship with my children has improved a tiny bit and the future looks paved with gold (well, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that….bronze maybe). Great news, nevertheless. 

Wish me luck or remember me in prayer for tomorrow’s service, if you would like to. Watch this space…