Oh, sod it!! That’s put a spanner in the works, hasn’t it? That’s told me!! There’s no pleasing some people, is there? I’m referring to my last post ‘Skeletons From the Closet’. And there was me, actually allowing myself (for once) feeling pleased with myself for the progress I feel I have made….until I spoke to a family member I shall call *Carol* who pulled me up on this one. After I told her of my progress and my decision which I so carefully thought through, I was told that I was either selfish or not as ‘recovered’ as well as I was ‘making out’ to be! I am sooo angry! And hurt! And disillusioned! Apparently, according to *Carol, if I have recovered this well then surely I am being very selfish in not wanting to attend the ‘Telling Your Story’ group to work with other students to enable them to have hope that it is possible to move on (all be it in babysteps).
If I attended that course and listened to other students recounting their awful experiences, I know this would have a negative impact on me and in fact, set me back in my recovery. On hearing this, *Carol pronounced, “Well, if those sort of things still affect you badly, perhaps you haven’t recovered as much as you think you have”. I was brought from feeling a good 8/10 on the positivity scale down to somewhere around my ankles on the positivity scale! I’m speechless, almost! I cannot win. Does she think the sort of memories I have from my past can be simply washed away or disregarded, even after all these years? Yes, I’ve had therapy, lots of it and still do but I now don’t need to talk endlessly about my abuse as I did not so long ago. Okay, yes, sometimes I still do need to talk about these things but how could anyone who has been through such atrocities just wipe them clean from their memory?!
So, now I’m left doubting myself, my decision, my self image, my confidence….I can tell you, this has really ‘knocked me for six’ (as they say) and left me feeling like a wounded deer on the side of the road which I could have well done without. I have been ‘shot down’ many times but always got back up again in the past.
(Later in the day)
But this time, my anger has risen and I can taste the bile rising from my stomach. I know that I have spoken at length to my college course tutor who has made it plain in no uncertain terms that at no time am I to risk my own mental health by putting myself in a vulnerable position such as this one. But *Carol hasn’t considered that I might not lay down and play dead. She has not bargained for the fact that I will get up again and fight the good fight. Hence, I am still determined not to be dragged down again by some ignorant, thoughtless idiot who I am unfortunate enough to have as part of my family. I will continue in my studies in a way where I know I am keeping myself mentally safe (and I’m sure my psychiatrist would agree). And yes, I do still see a Psychiatrist, my GP, my therapist and my CPN but that’s partly what keeps me on the forward route. It doesn’t make me weak, or any lesser a person. I don’t intend to sacrifice my future well-being because of one unpleasant person’s attitude. So, to *Carol, I say ‘UP YOURS!!’ as I continue to get on, one day at a time, with the rest of my life.
Watch this space…..
Essentially Ellie 