On discussing my relationship with my two children (yet again) with my therapist, T, yesterday, I realised that the reason they dislike/mistrust me so much is because of my past reckless behaviours during the time I was seeing the therapist, J, referred to in my last post, ‘Killing Me Softly’. They are blind to the fact that my mental health was so poor then but is now much improved and that I do not indulge or need to take up these behaviours again (those being my drinking, anorexia, all the self-harm I did to my body both by cutting and by abusing medication and all the risky overdoses I took, some of which were very nearly fatal). I do also recognize that she didn’t literally force me to drink, cut or OD, and that we all have our own free will. It was the influence she had over me when I was very vulnerable and the abusive responses during that eight-year period which made me react in such a dangerous way. Having said that, there was one occasion when she did literally say to me at the end of a session, “Why don’t you go home and kill yourself then?” Unbelievable, I know but I state that in all honesty which I then proceeded to attempt.
This, amongst other reasons such as my disability, I think may be at the core of why my children do not want anything to do with me. After all, how awful of me to put such young, vulnerable minds through such experiences of nearly losing their mother so many times etc. You see, the toxin within J was being transmitted as toxin to me which I absorbed like a sponge which then became the sting that hurt my innocent children so much (and I think still does to this day). So, basically, in summing up, J’s inner toxin was transferred to me which then acted like a cuttlefish or jellyfish sting to *Tom and *Clare, thereby poisoning their minds.
I wish I could put this past experience (along with others) in a box, leave it there and move on from it but however hard I try there are always the tentacles of the cuttlefish or the entrails of the contents of the box climbing through the gaps or hanging out of the lid that won’t quite shut. I have not, however, yet given up on hope:
I need to shut you tight into a box
with all the hatred I have for you.
It is a sturdy box, high sided,
but still the viscera ooze
through its seams and corners.
I long to seal the lid
but it is too late
for you have contaminated my world.
How on earth do I contain this filth
when you have sullied so much of my life?
The toxin within, still seeps out
like cuttlefish tentacles
that strike out upon contact.
Your viciousness intended
unlike the sea creature’s act of survival.
And will one day, the damage you have caused
be healed by some miracle or other?
Can so many negatives be transformed
into even one miniscule positive?
Well, I tell you, I will fight.
I will fight tooth and nail
to right the wrongs you created.
There is simply too much at stake
for me to allow you the victory
of trampling me to the ground.
Essentially Ellie 
It’s unfortunate that there was so much fallout from that awful period in your life. And it is true – it extends past just you – and perhaps, yes, your children aren’t ready to understand, forgive or truly believe that it wasn’t entirely “your fault.” Mental illness and therapy can be so difficult – and being in an abusive situation with a therapist certainly doesn’t help. Perhaps, if there was some way of breaching the distance – some neutral zone, where, either someone outside of your immediate circle, or by happenstance, they were to see you happily and actively engaged in the positive and wonderful activities you volunteer and participate in, then maybe, their eyes and minds and hearts might begin to open.
I wish there was something more to say, that could make it all so much easier – and better – more hopeful and positive. But perhaps all you can really rely on is prayer, hope, faith, the your continuing to do the things that help you. They, despite them being your children, have to lead their own lives, and make their own decisions, coming to their own conclusions. And sometimes, when you begin to understand that all the blame and hatred you’ve been carrying around for so long, is not and has not entirely been directed at the “right” person – then, it makes it far worse and harder to say, “I’m sorry.”
This doesn’t make any of it easier – but if you feel badly, then perhaps they too feel badly, as they begin to see slivers of better and more positive aspects of your life. And perhaps their indifference and hurtful behavior towards you is because they no longer know how to correct or stop themselves from breaking a pattern they have walled up so thickly, in order to protect themselves?
At any rate Ellie – hugs and good thoughts and prayers and light to you. Keep on fighting for the most important person in your life: YOU.
Hugs xxxx
Thank you, as always, Mj, for your wise and kind words. You always make so much sense. In hindsight I can ‘see’ the points you are making make a lot of sense. I just wish I could remember that when the sadness and anger especially, raise their ugly heads. I’ve never thought of the fact that my moving on with my life could be something my children may see negatively rather than positively through no fault of their own,
Unfortunately, using a neutral person in our relationships has been tried. However, I feel my anger is at least (if it has to ‘be’ at all) directed at the right person now as opposed to my children who I now understand are just innocent sufferers of the ‘fall-out’ from this toxic relationship. I do love my children passionately and am probably more aware of that because I have no partner and live alone (too much time to think despite my current positive activities) but I do appreciate that they are grown and are living their own busy lives. I have far less anger toward my children now that I understand where that toxin has come from.
Sometimes I do stop and wonder if I’m filling my life with so much ‘busyness’ to avoid feeling what I’m feeling which is (not so strangely) something my Mother has done for all of my lifetime, her anger being directed at my Father (not for the abuse which she disbelieves anyway) but more the fact that he was actually a lousy husband and NOT a nice person/individual which my Mum always resented but never got out of the relationship. It is always difficult to detach yourself from a person that you love than someone indifferent.
I think, although I get these patches of really strong feelings of anger re my children, they are less frequent than the constant that they were previously, earlier on in my therapy.
You do have such a good understanding, my dear Mj, and I thank you for your thoughts, prayers, light and hugs so very much and I will never give up on hope but will make my life the best that it can be in order to turn these negatives into as many positives as possible and live the fulfilling life that I am just starting to journey towards..
Hugs for you, Mj, always, Ellie xxx ❤
Its good to see you fighting Ellie. I’m sorry J was so abusive towards you. I cannot believe she actually told you to go kill yourself! Disgraceful! xx
Thank you , Carol anne. She is no longer practising under the government schemes or NHS but I do she still practises privately. I have thought about taking her to a tribunal/court but decided that it wouldn’t be in my best interest. I’d be opening up a ‘huge can of worms’ and I think that would be to my detriment. I just need to deal with my anger through therapy and my writing xxx