Dear Friends,

Today is a better day for I am emerging from the darkness, having spent too many days buried in negativity and suffocating with my own self-pity. The character written about in my last blog, I have to confess openly, depicted the darkness and evil I feel within myself when I am sitting at the bottom of the ocean floor amongst the sea urchins, snails and the plankton that exist down there. I despise that black side of me. BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is characterised by black and white thinking to name but a few, no, many other aspects.


I can’t say today is a completely ‘white’ day – they don’t exist in my world (and I question whether they do in other people’s’ lives too). At least I can say at this moment in time, I am experiencing a buff colour sort of day….not too bad but nevertheless beset with pain and problems, frustrations and battles but still keeping my head above water which I don’t always manage to do as those of you who know me will have witnessed on many an occasion. Today, I don’t feel that heaviness of many burdens like a lead weight around my neck and the pitch blackness of my inner turmoil. Today, I am emerging from the darkness….

out of the tunnel

Today, where I am in the world, the sun is shining. I shall go for a walk (well, wheel  in the park in my case). I shall notice the ducks on the river persevering as they swim through the duckweed, the wild rabbits hopping in and out of the hedges, a blue sky above my head only broken up with cotton wool clouds and birds in flight. All these things and more, I take for granted or in fact don’t even notice on dark days and yet the beauty of nature where I happen to live exists in abudance. I only have to open my my eyes and see the daylight. I will make the most of today. Love to you all, Ellie xxx 🙂


  1. It’s good that now, in the moment, for the day, well, I guess you’re already into the night-time, you have had the pleasure, I hope, of being out- nature is a wonderful tonic – and having a buff color day, may not be optimal – and no, I doubt if anyone ever truly has a pure white day – but it is better than being in the depths of personal hell.

    So I hope you had the chance to re-charge for a few hours and that the sights and sounds helped fill you heart and spirit with light and love.

    Hugs to you Ellie XXX

    1. Hi mj. It’s good to be back amongst friends again and out of the tunnel into the light and nature. I’ll settle for a buff-beige day or dare I say it, perhaps a tinge of lemon or pink ? I had a lovely ‘wheel’ through the park, thank you and feel re-charged and am sure I will sleep much more peacefully tonight, Thank you so much mj, for your thoughts and your hugs (many hugs back at you too!),. Love Ellie xxx 🙂

  2. I am glad to see you got through and came out of the darkness and lived to tell the tale. Many hugs and hope the wheel in the park was awesome! XX

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