I am really not good today at all. I needed to write this morning. I wrote this in a Word document so please excuse its length and layout as I have copied and pasted my writing here because I am desperate to get out of the spaghetti in my head, the madness of my mind.
MY REALITY – FEELINGS
My feelings are totally out of control this morning – so much so that I needed to write them down.
I have a knot in my stomach the size of a football. I feel completely overcome by my BPD in that my impulsivity and mood changes have got totally out of control and are wreaking havoc all over the place.
I no longer know my own mind and I wake with fear in my heart because I can barely remember yesterday because I was so high. Today, I’m not – I’ve sunk like a battleship shot down out at sea. My mood is desperately low – almost at rock bottom with no cause and to the extent that I feel like taking a lot of medication and just going to sleep and not waking up because I can’t cope with everything being so out of control and the consequences of my actions.
I wear a mask, big time. I am a fraud, I am a liar, I am a trickster, I am not to be trusted, and I am evil. People think I’m this sweet natured, kind woman and I do try, genuinely to be kind to people and treat others as I would like to be treated myself. But underneath all that is this scheming, selfish, self-indulgent, irresponsible, not to be trusted person. Preferably, I am not to be touched by a bargepole. I should be locked up in a cage until the wildness in me stills a bit.
I am like a stormy day after a rainbow. Yesterday, I had the most wonderful day with church in the morning which set me up for the day. Then I had lunch with Becky, awkward at first but then we soon fell in love again as soul sisters and my thoughts and imagination soared to the unrealistic, ridiculous, impulsive, high-as-a-kite, chancing the ‘impossible’ and taking on challenges far outside my reach and yesterday, I was so convinced I was ‘me’. ‘Me’ transformed myself into Becky’s shadow and took on her characteristics and mannerisms – I blended in with her, with her enthusiasm for where we were going, what we were doing, how we ate, how we drank a cup of tea. I just wasn’t in control. I had blended into Becky’s personality. Where was I? And who is ‘me’. I don’t exist or at least I wish I didn’t. I just want to be a figment of my imagination that will float away in the breeze to nothingness.
My heart is so low this morning – it is in my belly, in my toes, leaking out of the bottom of my feet and desperately trying to evaporate into nothingness.
My carer is due any minute. I must get my ‘front’ ready to put on, my mask once again. To hear myself saying what a wonderful day I had yesterday when truly, that was not me. My spirit of reality had been flying like a kite then but that was not the real me. Who is the real me? I am a nothingness, a fake, a-should-be non-existent, failing, entity.
Now, I find myself writing this rubbish! Now, Debbie is due to come any second – can I get my mask on today? Will I see her walk through the door, smile, say good morning, and give her a long-time-no-see sort of hug although it’s only been since yesterday morning when I was someone else who I can barely recall. I am lost in my head.
I have the ‘door people’ and the shopping coming between 10 – 11am and I have to be real and ok and normal (what is normal? It doesn’t exist on my planet) when I really want to curl up and disappear inside of myself like a snail retreating into his shell after being startled and rocking in the world when really I am not there at all. I want to die. Right now, I wish I was dead so I didn’t have these wild, impulsive, desperately emotional, uncontrollable thoughts.
OMG. Debbie is here. Get the front ready. Get the armour on. Get the smile out, polished and gleaming.
8 thoughts on “THE MADNESS OF MY MIND”
Some days are simply more difficult than others – and I’m sorry to hear that you are reeling like a kite out of control in a sudden windstorm.
Perhaps just trying to clear your head, set your feelings aside – and find one small, pleasant and sunny aspect that helps you re-ground?
I can only offer snippets of thoughts – but I know you have the strength to get through all of this – the day – the overwhelming feelings – but perhaps it’s also a question – and I’m stabbing in the dark here – of allowing yourself permission to be honest – with yourself – and others – like your carer?
Sending you light and energy Ellie XXX
Thank you Mj for your support and your thoughts. Sorry I’ve taken so long to get back to you. I have been battling with with my BPD and moods changing so rapidly going from as high as that kite you mentioned to suicidal. The mental health service here has reached an all time low and I’m finding it impossible to get any help or support from them even though I have reached the point of desperation. The final straw was when I went to see my GP yesterday and he said all he can do is write to the mental health team (which has already been done once) but that makes no difference. I’ve been telling them I need to see my psychiatrist to get my medication reviewed for weeks now but I cannot get my CPN, Duty Social Worker, GPs, in fact anyone to return my calls or arrange an appointment. This is so bad especially as today I feel I’ve reached the end of my rope and don’t want to go on anymore.. I want the rainbows and the stars to come back into my life but when I feel this low, I cannot believe that they will. Sorry for the miserable, negative rant….I’ll be fine tomorrow and no doubt will be flying my kite again. Hugs, Ellie xxxxxx
It’s in these moments – where I so understand how desperate you feel – and frustrated – because you are asking for help – and what with the services being what they are – it is beyond nasty. It makes one want to stage a sit in in an office and scream bloody murder until some one – actually does something – and the appropriate measures are actually taken – to help.
My heart goes out to you – and I’m sending you light and energy – I’m hoping you can ride out the storm – and that you will find some comfort and solace somewhere.
Thinking of you Ellie XXX
(and no need to apologize to me – completely unnecessary – you need to take care of yourself – number one priority – just remember – even if it may seem like a “small comfort – if any” – there are people who love and treasure you – even if we are thousands of miles apart – and have never met. ) 🙂
Thank you so much, Mj for understanding so well and for your love and care. As you say we are miles and miles apart and yet so often I find I get more comfort and support from my much loved friends here than I do in my ‘real life’. Sending you love and many, many hugs, Ellie xoxox 🙂
Be well and safe sweetie 😀
hugs and love back to you Ellie XXX
Thank you so much, my friend xxx ❤ 🙂
Hugs Ellie, always so raw, so honest. You will be ok I know you can do it you are stronger than you give yourself credit for! XX
Thank you, Carol anne. I have doubts about that at the moment because I’m in such an awful, negative place and feel pathetically weak and useless. Hugs, Ellie xxx