Having Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder or BPD really does make me emotionally unstable which I guess goes without saying! One minute I’m in the depths of despair and the next I’m touching the moon; I go from shovelling coals in the basement to then flying a kite.
On Tuesday night, I found myself distraught and counting out sleeping pills and paracetamol which I then overdosed on hoping for permanent oblivion. Not good. Not clever. I know that. I woke sometime Wednesday evening and was promptly sick which did no good at all as my body had already absorbed the drugs into my bloodstream. I had a pounding headache, racing heart, nausea and chronic stomach ache, all of which I realize were self-inflicted. And then was angry with myself for not ‘doing the job properly’, and angry that I was still on this planet that has brought me so much pain and heartache. It was raining…….’good’, I thought……at least there is no sunshine to mock my persistent emotional pain. It was nearly dark now, the sun having gone down behind the silhouette of the trees.
I slept right through that night and woke Thursday morning, actually feeling clear headed and feeling more positive about my life despite the fact that all the problems are still there…..college closes it doors for the final time on Friday afternoon; I’m still torn between the two churches I’ve attended; I haven’t seen my children or grandchildren for months now; I’m in debt; Mum is getting on a bit and not in the best of health which I constantly worry about because my fear of losing her or being ‘abandoned’ is so horrifically, truly and absolutely terrifying. I find myself thinking over my past life, full of pain and sadness, regret and sorrow, and my future which is a completely unknown entity. I wonder if there is another way out of all the chaos of my life, the past horrors, my fears and phobias. I’m daydreaming. I come to my senses. Will I be forever waiting for the storm to pass and watching the days melt into weeks, into months and into years of misery or do I begin to weather the storms and learn to dance in the rain, as the saying goes….
Perhaps a more positive mindset, if I can maintain it, will lead to more positive experiences and a more positive outcome. At this present time, I am ready to try to dance in the rain – I have my wellies and raincoat on and am out there jumping in the puddles. I know this week, in particular, will have more than its fair share of emotional challenges but I have to keep reminding myself of this:
‘Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass,
It’s about learning to dance in the rain’.
Essentially Ellie 
I am sorry that you had such a dark moment. I can relate to it very closely. Please know you are not alone and that YOU are not your emotions or thoughts. these dark thoughts and feelings are a result of all the evil that was done to you and none of it was your fault. Your essence of worthiness and loveability is permanent and unchangeable!
Thank you, my friend, for your understanding and comforting, generous words. I am sorry that you have been in that dark place too and hope things are improving for you now, Ellie xxx
It seems to be a pervasive and perverted notion in the cosmic waves – this absolute blackness – a hole so deep we feel the desperate need for peace. And we seek the sleep of the dead.
I’m so sorry that it ultimately came down to this – but I applaud your courage and bravery in sharing it – openly. As for the remonstrations of “not having done the job properly” – well i can hear you loud and clear on that – but perhaps – this is * a sign * – a message to you – that yes, you are worthy of still being here – and are truly loved – unconditionally – even when it feels and seems to be by the “strangers” who understand – whereas we desperately wish it to be the “others” – family – because we are led – falsely in so many ways and cases – to think it *must* be so. Unfortunately – the truth is: we can choose our family – we chose them when we “signed the contract” – but what we have “forgotten” comes to light – and it’s up to us to learn the lessons we need to learn. We can learn to “let go” – to “un choose’ – and “choose more wisely” – this is the pain and frustration.
Still – I’m so glad that you survived the storm – and are ready and willing to play in the puddles. I know it’s never easy – so many swings up down all around – but perhaps, if we can find peace – slowly – in the small things that we truly appreciate within ourselves, we can keep ourselves stronger – chasing the blackness away – putting it in its place – once and for all.
A life time’s journey – unfortunately – no quick fixes – but still we try – we strive, we hope and dream – and we reach out – even if it’s only through this weird wireless connection – and perhaps, even when it doesn’t feel like enough – we can find some comfort in knowing there are people who really really care – understand – and love you.
I know I do. To me Ellie – you are a treasure – a person worthy of so much respect and love – and I smile thinking of how much you have accomplished – and even though there are so many doors closing in your life right now – and it’s painful and overwhelming – you have chosen to see that it’s not necessarily a bad thing – so yup – grab the wellies and let’s play – even for a short while.
Hugs and love and light to you sweetheart – ((((Ellie))))) xxxx
Dearest Mj, thank you so much for your beautiful words. Please know that you are thought of and loved equally by me and I’m sure so many others, all be it some ‘virtually’. Thank you for seeing the real me inside and for accepting who I am so readily. Your love and support means so much to me even if we are hundreds or thousands of miles apart and have never met, nor are likely to.
I’m sort of glad that I am still ‘here’ on this screwed up planet, at least for today….tomorrow is a day in it’s own right and will bring who knows what,
I love this space where I can just express myself freely, hopefully without offending anyone and not under the scrutiny of my family.
This week is going to be a toughie, what with college closing, being pulled apart by various factions and supposed Godly people and in general my usual backpack of jagged rocks that I so often carry around on my back. For the time being, I will just take each day as it comes and when I feel like it, go jump in a few puddles! Wanna come out and play? Love, {{{Hugs}}} and sunshine for you, Ellie xxxxxx 😀
I could sure go play in some puddles with you! 😀
Always a great way to get the world working right again 😉