I am at a loss today. This isn’t going to be a clever piece of poetry or a blog as such; more a tangle of words because my head is muddied today. Love, compassion, charity, honesty and practising at least one random act of kindness every day are important to me. Friendship too….I have very few close friends but we know each other very well and that’s what matters. I also like my solitude; time to think, feel (not always desirable), dream, hope and more…
When I love, I love with passion in my soul; not a burning desire for sexual intimacy but more burning desire to understand other’s thoughts and feelings. My own, I trash! I’ve been told that I don’t give myself the respect that I give to others. I feel I am not deserving of that. I anger slowly with others, but rapidly and ferociously with myself.
I am confused; I am angry: I am hurting; I have had ‘the book’ thrown at me in this life that I do not desire today. I have been used and abused, beaten, yelled at, abandoned, trodden down, smashed to pieces but I bear no malice and I fear conflict with a very deep rooted fear.
Yet, I know that am, too, a survivor. I know that much although remembering it is not always simple and it is far too easy to slip into the victim role. I do not want to be there! I do not want to be that! I am a tough cookie, so they say.
But still I question, who am I though? Who am I really? I am a daughter who fears terribly the thought of one day soon, not being a daughter anymore because life gets snuffed out as is the order of nature. It is so unfair at times. I am a sister; I am an aunt; I am a mother (all be it unwanted by my children); I am a grandmother (all be it denied me). I am, however, forever blessed in that I am a daughter of God, my Father. I trust God; I’m just not sure I trust the rest of the world.
Am I making any sense? Am I being rational? I think not? Sometimes (like now) I seriously doubt my sanity…I feel so often that my life and my sanity are (in the words of Paul Simon, “Slip, Slidin’ Away”.
Sometimes I wish I was……..
Essentially Ellie 
Congratulations! You’ve been given ‘The Sunshine Blog Award’. Check out my post ‘Award Time’ for more details. 😊
Hi Ember, just found your kind comment (it had mistakenly found its way into my Spam folder for some reason so I apologize for the delay in replying). Thank you so much for this award. It is very generous of you and thank you for reading my blog, Ellie x
Ellie gentle hugs to you – just because there are moments when it all just seems too be too much – muddied as you say – and finding firm footing is hard – but it’s there.
You give yourself little credit – and yet are far too generous – often – with others. Overcompensation. Tough life lesson – and I think often, survivors do this – because it’s a safety net – means less if any conflict, tension and yeah, we don’t have to really grieve and mourn for all that was taken from us. And that we *are* worthy of self-love and respect – the things we so badly want – the longing deep ache in the center of our soul/spirit – but I think I can safely suggest this to you Ellie – once you allow yourself the smallest slice of truthful kindness – and it begins to unblock the “black jam” in your spirit – as you release the pain, and grieve – you *will* find that you are far stronger than you could ever have imagined or believed. And that no – you won’t revert back to “bad tendencies” or means of further damaging or hurting yourself.
If you have strong faith in God – ask him to walk with you through a small kindness – a self- loving act of generosity and compassion that you offer to yourself – and give yourself the permission to let the dam open, just a bit – you will survive it – it may feel like a flood – washing you away – but honestly, it won’t. And then, slowly, you will begin to smile – again – from the inside – from the special place of spirit that is Ellie – and then with each act offered in the same way – the “labels and garbage” will soon fall away. You may drift for awhile – not knowing – but it’s okay – God knows – understands – and eventually, you will hear the true whispers of your soul – naming you – calling you – and you will *know* who you are – and love yourself fiercely – even as the healing journey – your healing journey continues.
Pray for the small blessing and miracle that can be offered to you Ellie – if you but honestly ask. God will answer.
Gentle hugs XXX
Thank you so much, Mj ❤ . Right now, I cannot find the words to say much other than how much I appreciate your friendship and support. I am spending a lot of time deep in thought and a lot of time concentrating on my faith and my trust in God, my true Father. I'm finding Psalm 23 (probably the most well known psalm) to be comforting and particularly verse 4 which in the King James Bible reads "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me".
I do feel God is protecting me as this morning He has given me the courage to speak to the Manager of my Care providers about a matter that has been bringing me down for quite some time now and has no doubt had damaging effects on me which is that I have been constantly emotionally and mentally bullied by one of my regular caregivers for the last few months and was too scared to report her. At this stage, I am not sure what the repercussions will be but I know the bullying will stop now. It has really knocked any self-esteem I had flat to the ground and I'm going to have to start all over again building back up anything I had. The Manager kindly said that I should have reported this when it first started but I didn't feel able to then for some reason. Perhaps I am still more stuck in the 'victim' role than I thought I was. I am exhausted from crying so much over all this and your gentle hugs are so very welcome right now, Mj. Hugs too, Ellie xxx ❤
I’m sorry to hear that you have been facing bullying by a care giver for so long – fear can be such a crippling effect – but in effect, sweet one – with this small but large step – you have done right by you. So you see – your courage is there – sometimes it needs a little more coaching – but it is there. And if having to endure such awful circumstances for long – with so many other crazy and upsetting things going on in your life – it’s normal you would shy away from conflict. But I’m proud of you – and now, the matter should be resolved – and you should be treated with the respect, kindness and gentleness you deserve. So well done Ellie. And hang on to this triumph – you are stronger than you know.
Sending you positive light, energy and prayers XXX
Thank you so much for the love, respect, understanding and encouragement you give me, Mj. Although we have never met and are probably ponds apart, I feel you know me so well, in fact, better than most of my few friends who never see the real ‘inside’ me with all my mixture of emotions. (I put my heart and my soul into my writing and I guess because I use a pseudonym, I feel safe expressing myself so honestly).
That carer is no longer coming and it is such a relief and someone else has been put in place who I get on with on much better.
Hugs for you, my friend; Ellie xoxox 🙂 ❤
I’m really happy to hear that the situation has been resolved – that is definitely a huge relief!
As for knowing you better than some of your “real-time” (that’s what I call them) friends – well, yes, sometimes it’s easier to be more honest – or open – because we feel “safer” in way – less likely to be hurt or judged – here – in interspace. It’s a bit of an oxymoron that – like Jumbo Shrimp – but, it is what it is.
At any rate, for whatever reasons – we are friends Ellie – and I send you light, prayers, love and hugs xxxx
Be well and take good care of yourself 🙂