I’ve seen my therapist today, and all sorts of thoughts are flooding my mind like a dam has burst inside my head. I just need to write out these thoughts to get them on paper rather than have them living rent-free in my head and taking up space for something more constructive.
This post isn’t going to be remotely witty or intellectual – it’s just me, Ellie – letting feelings out – trying to remember to breathe – breathing is crucial for survival – so is my writing. Please forgive me my self-indulgence.
I know my anger towards not only my recent assailant but also all my many other abusers in my life is currently turning inwards. I know that I am berating myself, belittling all the abuse I’ve been through and telling myself, “for goodness sake; pull yourself together!!” I have internal chatter running around my head. However, I am trying to fight these unhelpful and negative thoughts and attempting to replace them with more realistic and sensible ones.
I am beginning to recognize that over the years, I have well and truly had my boundaries smashed to pieces. With the downfall of those barriers and the lack of love shown to me in my life, is it any wonder I’m a sucker for affection. Is this what gets me into trouble? Am I too friendly? Do I give the wrong impression? Am I gullible? What the fuck am I doing so wrong?
(Excuse me why I quietly go and hide myself in a corner – and scream and shout and rant and rave! What? Do you mean I’ve done that already?)
I barely recognize my own emotions, and when I do, I give them no respect. “Why???”, I yell at the top of my voice! God – please let me off at the next stop.
“Calm down, Ellie; just calm it right down. Now, stop and … breathe …”. OK. I’m breathing. I’m shattered. I’m emotionally exhausted. I’m drained. I need sleep – restorative sleep; not nightmares running amuck inside my head – peaceful sleep – rest – quiet – repose – AND DON’T BLOODY WELL FORGET TO BREATHE!!
Essentially Ellie 
Hugs you Ellie. Breathing is key! Also doing some self care? You’ve been through a lot! XX
Thank you, Pat. I appreciate your words and your hugs very much. I feel better now I’ve let all that out – thank you so much for being there and listening to me rant and catching the fallout! Yes, I must remember self-care…..I’ve let that slip a bit lately. A bit of TLC perhaps, if I can remember how… Very appreciative hugs to you, my friend xxx ❤
Thank you, Carol anne. I really appreciate your caring and your hugs (much appreciated) xxx
It’s perfectly okay and necessary to let all of the different feelings out Ellie …. healthy …. and it’s also “normal” that you are “trying to rationalize” your responses …. probably because you have come so far from before …. only to be thrown right back into the thick of it; AND … I have to say this: don’t you ever for a moment seriously consider that you are responsible for another person’s absolutely deviant behaviour. Being “friendly” or considerate and chatty is not an open invitation to any one person to take advantage of you or the situation … in any way … and certainly not by assault.
Therapy … ONE positive aspect Ellie …. but it isn’t the only aspect of healing and recovery. Traditional therapies can help us understand from a logical place ….. and often, it ONLY serves to help us understand how we “fit into place” with respect to whatever traumas we have lived … often from the point of view of how we “respond to the ‘perpetrators’ ” … BUT …. it is NOT the means by which we allow ourselves to EXPRESS our feelings – to live them and let them see the healing light of day – even if the creative process is difficult – as we stand as ourselves. And perhaps, in these immediate days, you should try to take some time to be creative … even if you don’t feel like it …. colouring, playing with paper and shapes or writing or whatever … even if you think it’s silly. And it doesn’t matter what you create … “beautiful, ugly, dark, dramatic” …. because it’s really for you. And yes …. it will make you remember to breathe …. and it may begin to give you some semblance of peace … slowly helping you remember just how much you’ve grown and changed, how much more you’ve understood about your story – how much you’ve helped others too – and how yes, despite being so overwhelmed … you can find some love and light.
hugs and light Ellie …. be gentle with yourself …. xxxx
Dear Pat, you have such good insight although I know with me, I can often have insight into other’s predicaments and situations and be absolutely crap at sorting out my own stuff.
You do make so much sense and make some really valuable points which I appreciate. Writing helps a great deal and I’ve just bought an art therapy adult’s colouring book with very intricate designs which help me to concentrate on something other than what happened. But – as you say – I might try and do some free art – I have some paints left over from a previous craft group and some plain paper.
Thank you for recognizing things in me that I can’t necessarily see for myself. Often, someone’s view from the outside, looking in, is more valuable and seems more acceptable than my view from the inside out, if that makes sense.
It helps so much to know that you understand me so well even though we’ve never ‘met’ other than virtually. Maybe we’ll meet one day – who knows?
Thank you for the love and prayers that you send me….for the light and hugs – all very gratefully and gracefully received, needed and appreciated, Ellie xxxxx